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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry about MIL's apparent lack of safety awareness with my toddler?

59 replies

AugustSeptemberOctober · 13/10/2021 16:03

I will start by saying that this is absolutely not a MIL-bashing thread, mine is lovely and I think the world of her!

I have left my 20 month old with her a few times now, mainly because she has been very keen to and it's been a help when I've had to go to appointments etc. I really appreciate the help. However, a couple of things have worried me a bit and it's made me nervous about leaving her. It's mainly that she doesn't properly toddler-proof her house before visits - eg. I once had to stop DD from picking up an ant poison trap. Yesterday I got back and DD was eating a bowl of whole grapes! Are these things that people really should know, or have times just changed since MIL had young children? I have obviously gently mentioned things as I've noticed them, but it worries me that one day something will happen. Am I just being a bit precious? I'm not sure.

OP posts:
RavingAnnie · 13/10/2021 19:24

@Kittyofwhitby

I can really relate to this post and in my situation I don’t let this relative babysit my child. They are incredibly loving and well intentioned but they just don’t perceive risks. If I told them to cut grapes because of choking risk then they would definitely do it but they wouldn’t perceive this risk without me saying. It’s been a long time since they had children of this age and a lot has developed since then in terms of understanding of risks such as SIDS, choking etc. It has been heartbreaking for me to have to decline repeated offers by them (and a bit of low level guilt tripping) to mind my child. But I have to put my child’s safety above the feelings of an adult. And ultimately I think this is what I’d recommend you do too. I always think how would I feel if something went wrong heaven forbid. Would I wish that I’d just acted on my gut and not let them mind my child ? Yes for sure I would. So that’s my answer.
Unless there's a big backstory to this and your relative would let the children out to play with the traffic I think you are being cruel to both your relative and your culls who is missing out on a relationship with them they won't have.

You've says they would do whatever you ask so just explain to them the current safety guidance and they'll follow it. No one needs to be deprived of anything.

Griselda1 · 13/10/2021 19:30

Sleeping bags rather than blankets were a huge shock to my in laws.To be fair, I wouldn't have expected them to have known about that.

ufucoffee · 13/10/2021 19:35

Cutting up grapes was not a thing when my now adult children were small. I only found out about it when I had grandchildren.

Dontgetyerknicksinatwist · 13/10/2021 19:43

I was in a similar position with my mil when she announced one day (without being asked) that yes she would be willing to baby sit for us. She has a pond and there was no cover on it. I told her if she wanted to look after my son around her house then she would have to get a pond cover first. She kept dismissing my concerns and brushing them off. There had been a recent case in the news where two twin boys had drowned in a pond and when I mentioned this to her she said “well I haven’t lost one yet”. She clearly had no intention of listening to anything I had to say so she didn’t get to look after him. If you feel you can’t trust her with your child then save yourself the stress and worry and send them to daycare instead.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 13/10/2021 20:03

I don't think you're being precious at all. If you have a good relationship with MIL & think she would listen and take it well, then talk to her about it - that advice is to cut grapes up as so many children have died from choking on them which scares you so much; and toddler is likely to find lots of treasures in her house that she can't childproof all of her house

" Mum, Thankyou for babysitting I'm very grateful. As toddler is into everything and not easy to toddler proof your house, nor why should you, would you mind babysitting round mine next time? ..... I'll leave food out that's chopped up ready to what she can eat now- don't bring sweets or food round as I'd rather be careful til she's a bit older . Thanks so much"

cptartapp · 13/10/2021 20:06

I know accidents happen but my PIL had a real low perception of risk. Under their care, DS scootered down a ridiculously unsuitable hill and badly grazed all his arms and legs, my nephew sledged into a tree and blackened his eye and my other nephew as an 8 year old when jostling unsupervised with others on a rope swing fell and broke both his wrists. They were sat in the car with a flask.
That was the end of the babysitting.

Hardbackwriter · 13/10/2021 20:10

My MIL was really surprised when I said that grapes should be cut up before giving them to DS. She then started cutting them up. If she'd refused then that would have been different, but I can't imagine saying she couldn't look after my children just because some things have changed since DH was a baby.

Also I don't think a house that a toddler visits occasionally has to be child-proofed to the same extent as their own home. In fact, I think that's a bonkers expectation. Both sets of grandparents have hazards that we wouldn't have at home, but they're supervised much more closely than at home. You're always going to have to take them into environments that aren't fully prepped for toddlers and you have to accept that you need to be more on it in those environments.

Hardbackwriter · 13/10/2021 20:14

@Dontgetyerknicksinatwist

I was in a similar position with my mil when she announced one day (without being asked) that yes she would be willing to baby sit for us. She has a pond and there was no cover on it. I told her if she wanted to look after my son around her house then she would have to get a pond cover first. She kept dismissing my concerns and brushing them off. There had been a recent case in the news where two twin boys had drowned in a pond and when I mentioned this to her she said “well I haven’t lost one yet”. She clearly had no intention of listening to anything I had to say so she didn’t get to look after him. If you feel you can’t trust her with your child then save yourself the stress and worry and send them to daycare instead.
I can understand wanting to reiterate that the child mustn't be outside unsupervised, given the pond - it's a bit patronising and hopefully quite unnecessary, but I might feel compelled to say it - but I think expecting a pond cover to be purchased before a child goes round for a couple of hours is quite unreasonable. Again to me this falls into the category of things you'd do for the house the child actually lives in, but that you can't expect to be in place everywhere you go.
Jiggyjigsaw · 13/10/2021 20:36

The risk of choking on a grape is minute! Why don't you feed her some whole grapes at home at the table to build her/your confidence in having a grape in her mouth. Millions of childen survive grapes worldwide eery year. I wouldn't be happy about the ant poison though.

Sweetnhappy1 · 13/10/2021 20:53

I wasn't aware of the grape advice when my eldest was little (she's 13 now) but started to become aware of it when my youngest was little (now 10). It seems really obvious now but wasn't back then. If your MIL is that nice, I would just say the advice is now to cut them and just explain what you'd like. I'm sure she'll adapt but parenting the next generation will be a learning curve for her as well as you.

Flowiththego · 13/10/2021 21:02

I wouldn't have thought of the grapes thing, but yes, it makes sense and I wouldn't be offended if told to do it. The ant poison is a bit worrying, though. She must've just overlooked it. I would have a chat with her to get her into the zone of looking after her dgch.

Walkingriver · 13/10/2021 21:04

Talk to her about your concerns and see how receptive she is; if she’s not then don’t leave your DC with her alone.

My DM was similarly clueless- on one occasion when she looked after DC (then aged 11 months and cruising around the furniture) she had been ironing and had stopped for a break. She left the iron turned on and on top of the ironing board, went off to make 3 cups of tea and came back to set them on top of the ironing board.

I walked into the house just as my DC reached out to the ironing board and began cruising around it, with a hot, heavy iron and 3 cups of hot tea on it. DM was very annoyed and got stroppy when I quickly took DC away and asked her calmly and politely not to do that.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 13/10/2021 21:06

@Jiggyjigsaw

The risk of choking on a grape is minute! Why don't you feed her some whole grapes at home at the table to build her/your confidence in having a grape in her mouth. Millions of childen survive grapes worldwide eery year. I wouldn't be happy about the ant poison though.
HmmHmm

Terrible advice

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 13/10/2021 21:17

I think there is a difference between someone who had kids a long time ago who hasn't got up to speed with new safety standards yet, and someone who has been told time again but can't remember or doesnt agree or has a 'I brought up my kids like this and they lived' attitude.

I dont think cutting grapes would naturally occur to a lot of people. I think it's fine to point out what people now know about choking hazards (grapes hotdogs etc cut lengthways, no popcorn, chunks of apple, boiled sweets etc) and if she seems on board then I'd give her a chance. If she shakes her head and says something about 'over anxious mums' or 'health and safety going mad' then that's a different story

Screwcorona · 13/10/2021 22:01

My MILS house is very baby unsafe 🙃 but it's been solved by not leaving the kids there. Luckily she doesn't actually want to babysit. Does your MIL seem happy to just visit the family without babysitting duties?

Mischance · 13/10/2021 22:07

The whole grapes cutting thing is relatively new and I had to get on top of that when I started looking after GC - I became more obsessional about it than my own AC in the end!!

I think PPs are right that when you have young ones in your own house you have everything set up for safety and it is more difficult when they are elsewhere.

My DDs quite happily told me what I should/not be doing but I was very happy about that - I think it is easier to be blunt with your own mum than with MIL!

GTAlogic · 13/10/2021 22:24

It's easy to forget about the things in your own house because you're so used to them and therefore don't see them as potential dangers.

When my dc were that age and we'd go visiting family with older children I used to have to watch them like a hawk because things like crafting knives, tiny bits of Lego and toys and ornaments that break easily were left within reach. Now my dc are 9 & 10 and my youngest sibling has a toddler again, the tables have turned and my house is a danger zone! It's surprising how quickly you forget.

Bunnycat101 · 13/10/2021 22:33

I’d be more worried about current parents of toddlers not knowing about the grape thing (as this thread as shown) than grandparents. With my first the health visitors did a weaning workshop and covered things like this and basic first aid to deal with a choking infant. By the time of my second, contact with the health visiting service has been non existent other than a few questionnaires. There are a lot of gaps now unfortunately.

MeredithGreyishblue · 13/10/2021 22:39

Yes, things have changed. Just tell her nicely.

RoseGoldEagle · 13/10/2021 22:50

The grape advice seems obvious when you know it, but I wouldn’t blame them for not knowing- as long as they’re happy to do it once you tell them then I think that’s fair enough.

greendiva · 13/10/2021 23:37

Just let her know about grapes, wasn't a thing when I had my first child, now it is, she just needs a few pointers for new safety advice.

victoriaspongecake · 13/10/2021 23:53

You do wonder how these mother in laws actually have grown up sons for you to marry. Surely they are so lax in their parenting that the children all suffered some terrible accidents and didn’t grow into grown men for you to marry?

MMAMPWGHAP · 14/10/2021 00:16

FYI Marshmallows can choke in a similar way too.

MMAMPWGHAP · 14/10/2021 00:17

By definition sadly those that choked on grapes aren’t around to marry bows.

MMAMPWGHAP · 14/10/2021 00:17

… marry now