To worry about MIL's apparent lack of safety awareness with my toddler?

[AugustSeptemberOctober]

I will start by saying that this is absolutely not a MIL-bashing thread, mine is lovely and I think the world of her!

I have left my 20 month old with her a few times now, mainly because she has been very keen to and it's been a help when I've had to go to appointments etc. I really appreciate the help. However, a couple of things have worried me a bit and it's made me nervous about leaving her. It's mainly that she doesn't properly toddler-proof her house before visits - eg. I once had to stop DD from picking up an ant poison trap. Yesterday I got back and DD was eating a bowl of whole grapes! Are these things that people really should know, or have times just changed since MIL had young children? I have obviously gently mentioned things as I've noticed them, but it worries me that one day something will happen. Am I just being a bit precious? I'm not sure.

FiL to me : Toddler was putting his hands on the knobs on the gas cooker. I just grinned. (happily demonstrating grin)
Me :
It would never have occurred to me to say "don't let him touch the cooker knobs" as it seemed obvious.
Toddler was never left with FiL.

@DeepaBeesKit

I'm always amazed on mumsnet by how safety obsessed everyone claims to be. In RL none of the mums I know are like this after the pfb. Cupboard childproofing wtc become a bit pointless when older child knows how to open it anyway.

So true. And also there isn’t a single woman on MN whose MIL has ever raised a child of her own - apparently.

The grape thing is not an issue - ask her to cut them.

The nap thing can be a problem. My in laws look after LO 3 days a week, she doesn’t always nap there not because they’re not following our usual routine but because it’s a different environment for her.

Ive found that generation did also tend to follow “never wake a sleeping baby” so can be surprised if you ask them to.

I don’t think you can be super prohibitive about someone else’s home or insist they only look after your child in your home. Get paid childcare if you think they’re unsafe but I wouldn’t expect my in laws to childproof their house either.

Agree with pp who say they did manage to raise your husband just fine.. I tell my mil what advice has changed (sleep on back mainly!) but she’s always receptive.

Unfortunately her daughter is far more defensive or her parenting and won’t take any advice or even commentary without immediately thinking it’s an attack. As a result they’ve barely seen their other granddaughter which I think is a terrible shame.

@AugustSeptemberOctober Just talk to her OP. You don’t need to “gently mention things” - just tell her! Explain about the grapes and that they’re now seen as a major choking hazard and tell her how they’ve to be cut. And certainly move any any poison traps that are around the place!
You can’t expect her to know how you feel if you haven’t properly mentioned it! If you tell her and she refuses to follow your rules then that’s a different story.

FWIW - I personally HAVE banned my MIL from looking after my DS (11m). She seen him in my car in is car seat when very small and called me ‘cruel’ for having him rear facing in the back seat. Told me he should be in the front so that it was easier for me to comfort him. I explained the car seat safety guidelines (her youngest is now 34 so I appreciate things have changed) and she laughed in my face. Told me it was ridiculous and it was perfectly fine for him to be in the front “because theres an airbag” 😳 explained again to her and her opinion was “grans house, grans rules” and she felt safer driving with him in the front.
She’s also absolutely OBSESSED with him being given “wee treats”. I know kids will be treated at GPs house, and that’s fine, but I’ve explained that there is certain things he can’t have due to an allergy and she told me he’ll be “fine with a wee bit” and that allergies are mainly made up.
I’m afraid these are deal breakers for me - so she doesn’t get DS alone at all.

I don’t think you’re being precious, OP. I too have a lovely MIL. She’s kind, dotes on my DC and never oversteps the mark when it comes to parenting but she has very little safety awareness, to the point where I never leave my children in her sole care.

The grape thing is definitely my generation as I ate whole grapes as a kid. My two are 14 and 10 and I cut them for both but my eldest still almost choked on a whole one at 4 at a friends house. Toddler groups often served them whole to my surprise.

Since then I made sure the children knew to eat safely as soon as they could understand incase I wasn't around. They had to sit down when eating (not necessarily at a table, just on the floor would do), things like grapes, cherry tomatoes and blueberries which have a similar risk must always be bitten into and eaten in small chunks if served whole. Minimise chatting to small people when their mouths are loaded.

For those who haven't heard of cutting grapes before it is safest to cut them in half length ways and into quarters length ways for the youngest children. Cherry tomatoes should be quartered too and blueberries halved. Also be aware of hotdogs which behave similarly due to the skin, half them length ways or at least cut into them along the length. Same with whole baby carrots. Try to create batons not discs with higher risk foods. Be wary of popcorn with tots too and marshmallows as mentioned by a pp.

So long as she’s responsive to you asking her to do things differently, I think that’s ok. My mum had no idea that you were supposed to cut up grapes or put babies to sleep in an empty cot but she got on board with w bit of explanation

I just can’t understand grandparents who are like this! When my boys were at the small danger age, my parents read up on every single cause of child death and went round and checked everything in their house. They have loads of dangers like a pond, a well, two fire places, steep stairs etc and the things they couldn’t change (stairs and fires) they just hovered round the kids, anticipating their every move!
They would have been utterly devastated if anything has happened “on their watch”.
My in laws were the same, to the level where they totally over protected them when they were with them, not letting them scooter ahead, holding hands when crossing the road even when they were well able to do this by themselves etc.

Yeah and let her dodge cars on a road to practice her crossing skills too...