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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it JUST my mother or...?

57 replies

Ivechangedmynamesomanytimes · 12/10/2021 19:04

I'm a 30 odd year old woman. With a husband and four kids of my own and both me and my husband have good jobs.
I moved out at 17 and have never moved back. I'm extremely independent and don't rely on my parents for money or babysitting or anything like that.
However my mum treats me like a kid whenever I say no to her.
The newest one is she wanted us to visit for Christmas, I said no as it's a long journey on the train with two kids and presents and would like to spend Christmas at home this year (we don't live near each other.)
And now she's being really blunt in her replies to me, barely talking on the phone when she normally talks for England.
This happens all the time when I don't do something she wants, I moved a few hours away from her and she didn't forgive me for moving for 18 months and was really off with me then And still occasionally brings it up.

Is it just my mum? Or is this a mum thing? Will I end up doing it to my DC when they are older? I hope not. 😳

OP posts:

MattHancocksSexTape · 12/10/2021 19:07

Sounds like emotional blackmail to me!

EileenGC · 12/10/2021 19:08

If you decide not to do it, then you won’t do it.

It’s definitely not a mum thing. I left home at 16 and my mum - whilst worried for me especially at the beginning and all the time I think - has always been able to acknowledge I’m now an adult who has her own life and can take their own decisions.

The not talking is a form of manipulation frankly. Don’t give in, and definitely don’t repeat the story when your kids are adults!

FancyLampshade · 12/10/2021 19:08

Oh gawd, how childish. She sulks whenever you do something that doesn’t suit her. I suppose she’s hoping you will go with what she wants more to avoid the ‘punishment’. Just ignore and carry on as you are. V immature, needy behaviour from your DM.

Notreallyhappy · 12/10/2021 19:08

My mum is a sulker too. Nothing you do is quite right. I think some if it comes with old age, some of it is entitled (my mums case).
Mine is in a huff as she's to unwell for holidays but expect me to take her on mine.
Do what you need to for your family

FuzzyPuffling · 12/10/2021 19:09

It's not good behaviour, but she's probably just sad.

spinspinsugar55 · 12/10/2021 19:09

Definitely not a mum thing. Unfortunately it’s a your mum thing. Sorry you’re experiencing that. And no you won’t do that to your DC having experienced it yourself

ThirdElephant · 12/10/2021 19:11

My mum does this, which is why I recently went low-contact. She is not taking it well.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/10/2021 19:11

I'm 48, and my story is remarkably similar to yours. Out at 18, totally independent and always have been, married, house, 2 children, etc, etc. I'm also an only child. My mother can still have her bizarre moments, as if she has forgotten I'm nearly 50 fucking years old and completely independent. It's very frustrating, but I have always grey rocked it. My mother is a very overly emotional person, bordering on dramatic at times, which I am not, so I simply won't deal with her pouting and tantrums.

I love my mum very much and 90% of our relationship is very good, but there is that 10% that can be very draining. Don't worry, you're aware so you probably won't be anything like your mother with your children. I'm not with mine, adults now, and never have been.

ejhhhhh · 12/10/2021 19:11

Not really a “mum” thing, but it unfortunately sounds like it’s a your mum thing! If it helps at all it’s my dad who is like this, and tbh he is best just ignored. I agree it’s emotional blackmail, don’t rise to it OP!

Cyw2018 · 12/10/2021 19:13

That's not "treating you like a kid" that's bullying behaviour.

Crayfishforyou · 12/10/2021 19:14

MIL does this.
She throws nasty tantrums if she continues to not get her own way.

ejhhhhh · 12/10/2021 19:16

I wonder if all of us who’ve had parents like this (me included) left home young never to return? It seems to be a common theme, I left home at 18 and haven’t spent more than a week in the presence of my sulky parents since (as as I’ve got older that’s reduced to a day or two). It’s hard work living with and being the child or partner of someone like that. You have my sympathies OP, and I don’t think you’ll turn into your mother!

ejhhhhh · 12/10/2021 19:17

Sorry should I written “sulky parent” not sulky parents! My mum isn’t a sulker.

Anonymice1 · 12/10/2021 19:17

Yanbu. But do you have 4 children or 2…?

Treacletoots · 12/10/2021 19:20

Same here. I left at 16 as my mother was a bully and went fully NC about 10 years ago. It's been blissful ever since I realised I couldn't change her, but I could change how I dealt with her bullying nasty behaviour. Your mum sounds remarkably similar..

No, you won't repeat the same mistakes.

equuscaballus · 12/10/2021 19:21

She sounds really upset and I can see why.

As you've not suggested a compromise or alternative, you're basically telling her that you don't value her.

Is that how you want your grown children to treat you in the future?

ThinWomansBrain · 12/10/2021 19:21

My mother was like that with both my sister and I (not my brother, the little shit could do no wrong in her eyes).
My sister would ignore it, but I'd just cut her off whenever it happened - usually after a year or so of no-contact my Father would get in touch grovelling for me to go down because she missed me .

Mary46 · 12/10/2021 19:23

Mine does this too. Had 2 months of low contact. Mood if not her way. Its so draining op.

crossstitchcat · 12/10/2021 19:26

She isn't treating you like a kid she's acting like one.

Anonymice1 · 12/10/2021 19:28

I feel there are always two sides. She sounds sad. Will you see her another day around Christmas or could they perhaps come to you?

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 12/10/2021 19:29

The newest one is she wanted us to visit for Christmas, I said no as it's a long journey on the train with two kids and presents and would like to spend Christmas at home this year (we don't live near each other.)

You say ‘this year’ so did you make the journey to her last year?

Having said no, you won’t be coming - does that mean she will be alone for Christmas Day, or have you invited her to join you?

If the answer to my first question is - yes you made the journey to her last year, and to my next question is - yes, you’ve invited her to come to you this year, then she is being unreasonable.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 12/10/2021 19:31

No. It's not a mum thing.
It's a sulky prat thing
Leave her to her sulk. She'll come out of it when she learns she's the only one that suffers.

Original poster

Ivechangedmynamesomanytimes · 12/10/2021 19:34

@Anonymice1

Yanbu. But do you have 4 children or 2…?

2 I changed a few things I don't want to be outting but the independent, working, married thing is true. Im terrified she knows of mumsnet. 😅

OP posts:

Original poster

Ivechangedmynamesomanytimes · 12/10/2021 19:36

@LoveGrooveDanceParty

You say ‘this year’ so did you make the journey to her last year?

Having said no, you won’t be coming - does that mean she will be alone for Christmas Day, or have you invited her to join you?

If the answer to my first question is - yes you made the journey to her last year, and to my next question is - yes, you’ve invited her to come to you this year, then she is being unreasonable.

No I did not see her last year due to the lockdown. However she's not on her own she has my dad, siblings, her brothers and sisters, grand parents etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ivechangedmynamesomanytimes · 12/10/2021 19:38

Now you've all said it's not normal. I can see it's not.
She's done some unforgivable things in the past which is why I was so young to move out but I thought we was past this as she said she'd change a few years ago. Even though it's not the same behaviour as before (extremely controlling) maybe this is the start of her trying to be controlling again? Think I need to give it a good think over.

OP posts:

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