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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it JUST my mother or...?

57 replies

Ivechangedmynamesomanytimes · 12/10/2021 19:04

I'm a 30 odd year old woman. With a husband and four kids of my own and both me and my husband have good jobs.
I moved out at 17 and have never moved back. I'm extremely independent and don't rely on my parents for money or babysitting or anything like that.
However my mum treats me like a kid whenever I say no to her.
The newest one is she wanted us to visit for Christmas, I said no as it's a long journey on the train with two kids and presents and would like to spend Christmas at home this year (we don't live near each other.)
And now she's being really blunt in her replies to me, barely talking on the phone when she normally talks for England.
This happens all the time when I don't do something she wants, I moved a few hours away from her and she didn't forgive me for moving for 18 months and was really off with me then And still occasionally brings it up.

Is it just my mum? Or is this a mum thing? Will I end up doing it to my DC when they are older? I hope not. 😳

OP posts:

Anonymice1 · 12/10/2021 19:57

No I did not see her last year due to the lockdown. However she's not on her own she has my dad, siblings, her brothers and sisters, grand parents etc.

Yeah, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to see you or your children as well for Christmas. It’s your Christmas, so it is up to you though. She might have a different/better relationship with your children than you though, who knows.

gamerchick · 12/10/2021 20:05

You can tell who either has awesome relationships with their mothers or they're emotionally disfunctional themselves

Stand your ground OP. Wait out the tantrum, she'll get over herself but I wouldn't be sitting in silence on the phone or sending messages that get sulky replies in the meantime.

FangsForTheMemory · 12/10/2021 20:08

Not just mums. My dad did similar. Once I didn't live with him, I no longer cared. He never worked out that nobody is going to want to spend time with someone who sulks and tries emotional blackmail.

Anonymice1 · 12/10/2021 20:13

@gamerchick if you mean me I have a great relationship with both my parents and I speak to them every single day. They would never behave like op has described her mum. I once moved to the other end of the world, and I know now it probably killed my mum but she only expressed happiness for me. But yes, I do think there are two sides to a story, and that it is impossible to judge wheter op’s mum is a bully or not in a few sentences. And if possible it’s good for children to have a (healthy) relationship with their grandparents. I do believe, obviously, that it’s your own decision and noone elses where to spend Christmas.

BashfulClam · 12/10/2021 20:21

@Anonymice1

No I did not see her last year due to the lockdown. However she's not on her own she has my dad, siblings, her brothers and sisters, grand parents etc.

So you think the OP should give in to tantrums and sulking. She deserves to be ignored until she discusses it in an adult manner. This is emotional blackmail and manipulation and if the OP gives in her mother will continue to use that tactic

Orgasmagorical · 12/10/2021 20:23

Even though it's not the same behaviour as before (extremely controlling) maybe this is the start of her trying to be controlling again?

Your mother will do whatever she thinks will work to get what she wants.

Anonymice1 · 12/10/2021 20:25

@BashfulClam No, I did not say that, at all.
I said maybe she could consider seeing her parents on a different day around Christmas time. Noone should, obviously, feel controlled.

MakingM2 · 12/10/2021 20:27

She's basically asked you to go and visit at a family oriented time of year and you've said no. She's clearly pissed at you.

You will always be your mother's child, no matter how old or self-reliant you become, and, yes, you will do it to your own children too unless it doesn't upset you that they don't want to come and see you - which would be quite sad in itself.

What can we say: Mothers are a PITA...present company excepted, of course ;)

BashfulClam · 12/10/2021 20:28

@Anonymice1and maybe her mother could have suggested that rather than turning on the emotional blackmail to get her own way. My mum would say ‘oh that’s a shame, so sham we cone to you instead if that’s easier or is there another time over the holidays we could get together?’ Not just go straight to sulking and manipulation.

MrsSkylerWhite · 12/10/2021 20:29

Not sure it’s a mum thing.

I’ve been encouraging our daughter, her husband and one year old to spend Christmas Day together, just the 3 of them. We always spent the day with just our kids, I think it’s important. They can see us any other day that suits them, should they wish.

My daughter and son will both say no to us if something doesn’t suit them. No problem with that at all.

Anonymice1 · 12/10/2021 20:29

If op feels it’s a bad idea, then it probably is. Sometimes you can find a solution to keep in contact though, and manage to take control of the situation with clear boundaries yourself. Only op knows her mum best.

Anonymice1 · 12/10/2021 20:30

@BashfulClam my mum would have said the same, and me too.

Kdubs1981 · 12/10/2021 20:32

Not a mum thing...

MiniPumpkin · 12/10/2021 20:34

I could have written this post myself. I dread Christmas every year because of it 🤣

Washeduponthebeach · 12/10/2021 20:39

It’s easy to see your mum as controlling and selfish, but as others have said, she may feel sad and not valued. Perhaps try to speak to her honestly about how she feels. It sounds like you want everything your way. Yes, she has other people to see at Xmas, but it sounds like she wants to see you and your children. You left hime very young and haven’t needed her since. Perhaps she feels the loss of that. It can be very hard when adult children don’t seem to care about you .
She may have behaved appallingly in the past, but perhaps she feels the loss of you and doesn’t know how to articulate that.

BashfulClam · 12/10/2021 20:40

@Washeduponthebeach then her mother should deal with it in an adult manner not use emotional manipulation.

RoseChampagne · 12/10/2021 20:40

My Parents do the same, they use the ignore tactic alot, recently I was called unthoughtful, mean and uncaring amongst other insults because I didn't accept a friend request from a family member ( even though said family member blocks me constantly for no reason ) families can be toxic too - remember there is a reason you left home at 17. I pandered to their tantrums and sulks for too long and it started affecting MY family and mental health so now I don't feel bad for saying no to things - however I do try and sweeten the blow by saying something like " we really want christmas at home with the family this year, how about we do christmas at yours and name another suitable weekend when you are prepared to go up there and make it sound fun?

Anordinarymum · 12/10/2021 20:47

@Ivechangedmynamesomanytimes

I'm a 30 odd year old woman. With a husband and four kids of my own and both me and my husband have good jobs. I moved out at 17 and have never moved back. I'm extremely independent and don't rely on my parents for money or babysitting or anything like that. However my mum treats me like a kid whenever I say no to her. The newest one is she wanted us to visit for Christmas, I said no as it's a long journey on the train with two kids and presents and would like to spend Christmas at home this year (we don't live near each other.) And now she's being really blunt in her replies to me, barely talking on the phone when she normally talks for England. This happens all the time when I don't do something she wants, I moved a few hours away from her and she didn't forgive me for moving for 18 months and was really off with me then And still occasionally brings it up.

Is it just my mum? Or is this a mum thing? Will I end up doing it to my DC when they are older? I hope not. 😳

What I get from this is that your parents did a good job of raising you to become the independent person you are.

Good that you don't rely on your mum for anything but she is your mum and I don't feel any emotion from your post towards her.

You say this happens all the time. So why not change the dynamic by being her daughter now and again and saying 'yes' only because it will please her and allow her to be your mum which is what she is ?

If you feel this is a game then don't play it once in a while. It won't hurt anyone to be nice and sort of give in now and again !

No ?

41sunnydays · 12/10/2021 20:48

Yep my mum too...

ejhhhhh · 12/10/2021 20:52

Not wanting to travel a long distance for Xmas day, with all the associated present transportation etc, is not the same at all as not caring, I can completely see the OPs point. It wouldn't be unreasonable for the OP to insist on a family Christmas in their family home every single year whilst their kids are kids. Her own mother has had her time with all that whilst her own kids are young. Maybe she could come and stay one year, and as a fully grown (possibly retired?) woman without all the baggage that kids at Christmas come with, it'd be much easier for her too. I think some mothers do forget that when their kids are grown and with families of their own, Christmas is not going to be the same as when their children were growing up. I have a friend whose mother is like this, she insists that everyone (all adults offspring and their partners and kids) spends every Christmas at her house. It causes loads of grief and my friend hates it. I wouldn't want to be that mother.

Washeduponthebeach · 12/10/2021 20:58

[quote BashfulClam]@Washeduponthebeach then her mother should deal with it in an adult manner not use emotional manipulation.[/quote]
I totally agree. However some people don’t have the self awareness or emotional currency to deal with their feelings in a more appropriate way. My mother is a nightmare, I know how draining it is.
Perhaps the OP could invite her mother to stay at theirs for Xmas instead?

Cas112 · 12/10/2021 21:11

My mums like this

crimsonlake · 12/10/2021 21:11

I left home at 17 am now 60 and my mum still treats me like a child. I can never do anything right, she also would like me to agree with her about everything. I dare not upset her, although it is fine to upset me. She will sulk and through daughter guilt and given her age I end up ringing her, then she acts all cold. She manages to always ring the rest of the family, but complains I do not ring her enough even though she never rings me. Crazy.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/10/2021 21:35

You won't do this to your children, because you know what its like to be on the receiving end.

Silentnight87 · 12/10/2021 21:43

My MIL is like this. Then blames me for our ruined relationship! She had a heart attack years ago, and high blood pressure and feigns symptoms when things don't go her way, so then there is no way to even to try and discuss her behaviour. I've tried in the past and the event was just laughable. Something out of a Indian drama

Plus there is the paternalistic nature of the Indian culture. So as I'm married to her son, I am automatically assumed to do everything for her and her family, even putting them before mind. She wasn't banking on my modern feminist stand . Grey rock is the way to go. There is no talking to these people. They always see and paly themselves as the victim.

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