Is it JUST my mother or...?

[Ivechangedmynamesomanytimes]

I'm a 30 odd year old woman. With a husband and four kids of my own and both me and my husband have good jobs.
I moved out at 17 and have never moved back. I'm extremely independent and don't rely on my parents for money or babysitting or anything like that.
However my mum treats me like a kid whenever I say no to her.
The newest one is she wanted us to visit for Christmas, I said no as it's a long journey on the train with two kids and presents and would like to spend Christmas at home this year (we don't live near each other.)
And now she's being really blunt in her replies to me, barely talking on the phone when she normally talks for England.
This happens all the time when I don't do something she wants, I moved a few hours away from her and she didn't forgive me for moving for 18 months and was really off with me then And still occasionally brings it up.

Is it just my mum? Or is this a mum thing? Will I end up doing it to my DC when they are older? I hope not. 😳

See, I can’t imagine my Mum / Dad / MIL / FIL asking me / us to come for Christmas Day, and either me or DH just saying, ‘nah, it’s too far, don’t fancy it’.

Sometimes I read threads like this, and it’s really quite obvious (to me, anyway) why some people seem to have such difficult relationships with their family members.

If I hadn't seen my DD last Christmas, and she told me in an offhand way that she wasn't visiting me with the GCs this Christmas either (or if not the day itself, at least within a couple of days of it), I'd be very sad. I wouldn't react in the same way, I hope, but there's absolutely nothing in your tone, OP, to indicate that you gave her any impression that you were sorry not to be able to, or that you ever had any intention to.

You seem to have no empathy for her at all. She might not be alone for Christmas, but you're her DD and she loves you and the GCs. The extended family are all very well, but they're not you. It seems as though you could have put your answer much more kindly and sensitively.

@LoveGrooveDanceParty

See, I can’t imagine my Mum / Dad / MIL / FIL asking me / us to come for Christmas Day, and either me or DH just saying, ‘nah, it’s too far, don’t fancy it’.

Sometimes I read threads like this, and it’s really quite obvious (to me, anyway) why some people seem to have such difficult relationships with their family members.

You put it better while I was typing, @LoveGrooveDanceParty!

Thank goodness someone else sees what I’m seeing @saraclara

Will I end up doing it to my DC when they are older? I hope not.

It depends if you love them and enjoy their company. You might put a braver face on it, you might be less of a sulker. But if you manage to respond brightly and cheerfully when you DC says 'nah, too much effort' when you invite them for Christmas you'll be pretty exceptional.

I moved 40 minutes drive away from my mother 6 years ago and she still hasn't forgiven me!
I hardly saw her before I moved as she has her work/ daily routine, yet she seems to think she saw me all the time and looked after my son all the time (I think she looked after him twice in 18 months for a maximum of 2 hours)
I don't know what it is about mums I just hope I don't end up like mine!

I did offer her a weekend to visit which she's accepted for one of my DCs birthday but she's still being rude. I have no where for her to stay at Christmas my home isn't big enough and my DC can't share due to special needs. I also only visited her a month ago for a week so I do make the effort with her and it wasn't a case of "nah I don't want to," I was mindful of her feelings when telling her.
Much as i have to consider her feelings I have to consider my husbands as well and what my children want. I think I'll distance myself for a few weeks and let her mull on it and hopefully she'll stop. I used to spend every Christmas with her when DC were young for many years, never saw the in laws she had a fit one year when we planned to go to the in laws for Christmas dinner and forced us to come to hers in the day she cooked us Christmas dinner even though she knew we were going to the in laws in the evening for dinner. So she's not exactly innocent to those thinking I'm the problem.