...to feel like rubbish around this person?

[Overtherainbow99]

There's another mum that I see every day at the school gates who always looks perfect, hair impeccable, make up flawless, always laughing and joking. And every day I see her I feel a bit more shit about myself.

I have spoken to her once or twice and she seems like a regular human being but I seem to have put her on a pedestal in my mind. She has now become The Super Mum. She has her own business and always looks great. I waddle along to the school gates looking like I've just climbed out of a bag for life.

Have let my grey hairs come through over lockdown (so much fuss and upkeep dyeing it!) and look frumpy in my glasses. She, obviously, suits glasses perfectly and has swishy, swishy shiny, shiny hair.

AIBU to hate myself around her?!

"If you wanted to dress up and put makeup on for the school run, you could"

You aren't putting on makeup for the school run, you are just getting up and getting ready for your day. If you are well organised and have your children in a routine, you have time to get ready for the day before 9am. My DD used to have to leave for work at 6.20 am. She now doesn't, but we both still wake up early. Is supposed to just waste that time, so people don't think that she is insecure/intelligent and all the things suggested on this thread?
I've always liked makeup. I'd buy clothes/coats, often change my hair tone seasonally and think about my makeup, at the same time. It doesn't take much to put yourself together. I'm a bit more practical now, I tend to go for the same look, which takes around twelve minutes to do, but pay more attention to my nail colours.

@PerseverancePays - thank you, that's a beautiful little message which I'm definitely going to stick to the front of my fridge so I can remember ❤

@GothicaAutistica You're so right, a very calm and well thought out response. My responses in the moment at the school gate have been a lot less so! 😊

@Skyeheather Her life won't be perfect though, she'll have issues same as the rest of us. - I think this is the nub of the issue, I've bought and sold myself the lie that her life is perfect. Reeeeeeally need to shake it off. Thank you for the reminder.

You're a parent. You want to teach your kids to judge other people on their appearance and generally decide it says something about their own lack then crack on. If you want to change that record and teach them about self-love and acceptance of other regardless of how they look then cut this kind of talk out. It is ridiculous. You know nothing about this person.

Ah Op, I see all these posts and always think - well, if your appearance bothers you so much, you could always do something about it?

Honestly, this.

When I find myself obsessing or envious about someone, I really search my soul to find the ONE THING that's sparking those feelings. And it's ALWAYS something that I'm neglecting in my own life.

You're neglecting something. This woman is the walking personification of what you feel your life would be had you NOT neglected it. That's why it's getting to you.

I'd guess you neglect all your self care. It started off as time-saving, but now it's teetering on depression. You feel overwhelmed, daunted and lost, and this woman is the exact opposite (in your mind).

Start with the hair. Ask around for a great hairdresser and go there for a cut and colour. Then have a HUGE ruthless wardrobe cull (I bet yours is stuffed but you still don't have anything to wear) and find 4 mix/match daytime outfits you like. Ditch everything else.

Then find a simple skincare routine you can do morning/evening in under 5 minutes. And do it. And watch TikTok make-up videos to find a simple no-make-up look. Do that every day. Once a week, lock yourself in the bathroom and have a bubble bath, exfoliate, leg-shave, facepack, hair-treatment, fake tan, nails evening.

It'll snowball. You'll start to feel epic and gradually look and feel better every day.

I did all of this and feel genuinely awesome.

Even if I had the time, looking immaculate for the school run isn't something that I'd be interested in doing. I dress up for going out. For the school run presentable is just fine.

Just because this woman looks great it doesn't mean everything is perfect. I'd say her need to be looking perfect for a school run could mean she is actually quite insecure about how she looks. Alternatively she might just love dressing up at every opportunity, even a wet playground.

If you feel self conscious see what you can do for you to make yourself feel more comfortable and confident.

If you don't like your greys colour them. It doesn't take that long to do. If your glasses don't suit you get a new pair that do look good. Ask the optition for advice about what shape and colour suit your face. A bit of lip gloss and a squirt of perfume takes seconds but can create a more finished look. It's entirely up to you.

Have let my grey hairs come through over lockdown (so much fuss and upkeep dyeing it!) and look frumpy in my glasses. She, obviously, suits glasses perfectly and has swishy, swishy shiny, shiny hair

These are choices though. You have chosen to ditch the dye, whilst she has chosen to maintain her hair, regardless of faff. You have chosen to wear glasses which you consider frumpy (even though I bet they aren't). You can make different choices if you want to.

WRT your specs, why not order some frames to try at home - they can be really rather reasonable, price-wise.

Regardless of what you do, please do remember that Nana's saying upthread is the truth.

I still do not understand the big deal about speaking to people at the school gates. I walk in at the exact time the doors open in the morning and the same in the afternoon!

I agree with @bubbletrumps. What’s more important humour, kindness and self awareness? Or having swishy hair and high heeled boots?

Or the third option being kind, funny AND looking good?

I bet there’s another mum in that playground looking at you enviously.

@FrankieDobie

Why are people being cunts to this poor woman who hasn’t done anything wrong? Jesus Christ

Right?! Why do we need to slam the other mom to try to make the OP feel better about herself? That's petty and mean.

A Mam asked me how I look so composed and well dressed and are So lovely Little did she know I had cried at least twice that morning and I’m pretty sure I went out the house with sick in my hair. The point is, We’re all just doing enough to survive. My roots have somehow become fashionable (err when did that happen) and I feel like a chunky hot fat mess. But that’s my issue and it’s actually amazing what other people see in you when you don’t. Be kind to yourself.

2bazookas

I promise you, she is a very fragile person frantically plastering over the cracks in her hell-life.

^You know the school mum in question then do you @2bazookas. Utter tosh.

Some people are gorgeous and organised and lovely. But my god it takes far more effort than I'd ever want to put in. Stop thinking about her and think about what you can do to make yourself happier with your life.

looking like I've just climbed out of a bag for life 🤣 but you're funny, OP! That's way cooler than shiny hair.

I TOTALLY dee where you're coming from OP as I feel exactly the same quite often, but I have a really close friend (we're former colleagues) who is one of the most beautiful and impeccably styled women I have ever seen in my life. She really stands out from the crowd with her incredible good looks and she's SO stylish. However, I know her really well and she's a total mess inside, suffering depression, lots of personal problems, is on medication etc etc. No one on Earth would be able to tell by her perfect appearance. You never know what goes on in a person's life

@Overtherainbow99

There's another mum that I see every day at the school gates who always looks perfect, hair impeccable, make up flawless, always laughing and joking. And every day I see her I feel a bit more shit about myself.

I have spoken to her once or twice and she seems like a regular human being but I seem to have put her on a pedestal in my mind. She has now become The Super Mum. She has her own business and always looks great. I waddle along to the school gates looking like I've just climbed out of a bag for life.

Have let my grey hairs come through over lockdown (so much fuss and upkeep dyeing it!) and look frumpy in my glasses. She, obviously, suits glasses perfectly and has swishy, swishy shiny, shiny hair.

AIBU to hate myself around her?!

I’m not saying you should- but if she’s making you feel shit about your hair….go and get it done?

If you feel like a scruff- go to Uniqlo and get two cheap smart t shirts and a pair of stretchy smart trousers. Can you get a smart coat on eBay?

I don’t really get it. I have stood next to gorgeous women who have made me feel like a scruff so I do understand how you feel, but you don’t let them live in your head rent-free. If you feel self conscious about looking a bit scruffy- do a home mani, sort your roots out and get a cheap capsule wardrobe?

You are beating yourself up, she isn’t- so he’ll yourself out.

*so help yourself out

Dye your hair then ,we are no longer in lockdown. It sounds like that will make you feel better about yourself

You're only seeing what she wants you to see.

I can guarantee you that how she looks is a reflection of a) standards when she was brought up or b) standards at work or c) she was brought up with nothing and is reacting against it. It’s unconscious because she is like this every day. I hope that her life isn’t shit that she is actually happy and I hope that you are too. She can’t help looking how she looks.

The other posters are right OP if this is affecting you because subconsciously you feel you should look a certain way then why not change it? You can get new, clean clothes very cheaply, put make up or conditioner on, and be smiley yourself. True contentment is loving what you have already. Liking yourself also matters so do things you enjoy and do things that make you feel good about yourself.

[quote Overtherainbow99]@PerseverancePays - thank you, that's a beautiful little message which I'm definitely going to stick to the front of my fridge so I can remember ❤

@GothicaAutistica You're so right, a very calm and well thought out response. My responses in the moment at the school gate have been a lot less so! 😊

@Skyeheather Her life won't be perfect though, she'll have issues same as the rest of us. - I think this is the nub of the issue, I've bought and sold myself the lie that her life is perfect. Reeeeeeally need to shake it off. Thank you for the reminder.[/quote]
Yeah- but her life might be perfect? She might have a lovely life.

Glossy beautiful beings, male and female, walk amongst us. Their lives aren’t always secretly shit and miserable.

Thinking her life ‘might not be perfect’ shouldn’t really make you feel any better- and is just setting yourself up for further comparison when you maybe get to know her, or meet someone else similar who you know for a fact (deep secrets permitting) does have a pretty nice chill life.

She is not making you feel bad about yourself. You are.

If having your hair done would make you feel better- get thee to a hairdresser. If money is tight, college cuts can be cheaper- or so much can be done at home if it isn’t super drastic with a box dye and hairdressing scissors.

I’m sorry if you think I’m inciting a pile on- but thinking ‘oh her life probably isn’t perfect’ isn’t really going to help you and is pretty mean spirited.

@Overtherainbow99

Trying to be sympathetic- I have felt exactly as you do, but that was because of my own confidence- not some random woman with shiny hair

One of my friends is like this woman.

She is so anxious about people seeing her she plans outfits in advance and has horrible, crippling depression.

Another friend of mine won’t be seen without her hair straightened and eye makeup on. She has social anxiety and weighs herself every day because she’s scared of gaining weight and only eats one meal a day. She thinks she’s fat and ugly and feels like the odd one out.

Appearances can be deceiving.

Hate yourself as much as you want to but wouldn’t you rather like yourself instead?

@2bazookas

I promise you, she is a very fragile person frantically plastering over the cracks in her hell-life. Only approach if you have a penchant for charity /missionary work.

God what an awful comment. And you’re not alone in wishing it sadly other posters are doing the same.

There are happy attractive people out there, attacking her doesn’t make the op feel better, I’m guessing it does you and the others at it though, at even the thought of her?

Op this isn’t about her it’s about how you view yourself ans how unhappy with your appearance you are. So do something about it. As a pp said a box dye every few weeks isn’t a faff. Her life might be pretty much perfect. So what? There will always be those with more than you and those with less.