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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to feel like rubbish around this person?

82 replies

Overtherainbow99 · 12/10/2021 12:47

There's another mum that I see every day at the school gates who always looks perfect, hair impeccable, make up flawless, always laughing and joking. And every day I see her I feel a bit more shit about myself.

I have spoken to her once or twice and she seems like a regular human being but I seem to have put her on a pedestal in my mind. She has now become The Super Mum. She has her own business and always looks great. I waddle along to the school gates looking like I've just climbed out of a bag for life.

Have let my grey hairs come through over lockdown (so much fuss and upkeep dyeing it!) and look frumpy in my glasses. She, obviously, suits glasses perfectly and has swishy, swishy shiny, shiny hair.

AIBU to hate myself around her?!

OP posts:

gobbynorthernbird · 12/10/2021 13:53

Every fucking time on this forum. There's always the jealous insecure ones who have to jump in and make wild assumptions about how shit someone's life must be behind closed doors.

OP, you'd probably feel better about yourself with a few small changes. Maybe, as PP suggested, a box of hair dye and a deep condition. Possibly some new specs, which flatter your face shape and colouring more.

Eilatan2018 · 12/10/2021 13:54

I compare myself to others all the time constantly and have really had to stop myself. We only do this when we aren’t happy with ourselves. I find if I make an effort, do my hair, makeup and wear an outfit I feel happy in, I feel a lot better about myself. You need to look at yourself and think how you could love yourself more… maybe go get a hair cut, look into getting some funky new glasses? It isn’t all about appearances but if you feel better about YOU, you’ll stop comparing yourself!

Pontypandytaxpayer · 12/10/2021 13:56

This is bizarre.

She might be kind, interesting, intelligent and extremely happy in life. I hope she is!

Original poster

Overtherainbow99 · 12/10/2021 13:59

😂 My life does often seem like an episode of Motherland, to be fair.

@TheChild - I am so glad I'm not the only one who feels like this! I'd definitely be on my bum if I wore boots like that...

I think maybe I've been paying her attention so long that possibly I've stopped paying myself any attention. I've got a bit caught up in it. Maybe a box dye and a stern word with myself are the way to go.

OP posts:

Laiste · 12/10/2021 14:05

OP there is always someone slimmer/prettier/younger/better turned out than each one of us.

The woman you describe will have someone she aspires to be like as well.

I too would be wary of trying to make yourself feel better by imagining this lady is boring or horrible or has something wrong in her life. That's just being bitter.

Bluntly - If you want to look better start making more effort, and USE this woman as inspiration, not a stick to beat yourself (and her) up with.

123Applesauce456 · 12/10/2021 14:08

I am sure you are wonderful in your own ways which is what you should focus on.

However, I really dislike responses in these kind of threads - why do you have to built someone up by bringing someone else down. Why is it comforting to tell someone that the other person (who has done nothing to her) is somehow secretly boring, have a terrible life, is faking, etc, etc...

PerseverancePays · 12/10/2021 14:14

Remember you are your own best friend, and best friends never talk down to you.

NoLeafClover · 12/10/2021 14:15

@2bazookas

I promise you, she is a very fragile person frantically plastering over the cracks in her hell-life. Only approach if you have a penchant for charity /missionary work.

I hate posts like this. By all means, help and support the OP, but please don't try to build up one woman by ripping another down.

Maybe the woman in question is 'fragile' and living a 'hell-life' as you say. Or maybe she is blissfully happy, loving life, smart, witty and kind. Hoping she is miserable doesn't help anyone.

RickOShay · 12/10/2021 14:21

Agreed. It’s not about the school gate mum. She’s her own self. It’s about you op. Have courage

Autumnscene · 12/10/2021 14:31

If you can’t beat them, join them ! Learn from her, make small talk with her, see what’s she’s really about, she’s probably super normal.

GothicaAutistica · 12/10/2021 14:33

For all you know OP, thks lady might be sitting at home thinking "I wish I looked as good as @Overtherainbow99 does, rocking her silver fox hair. I'm too self conscious to stop dyeing mine!" Or she might look at you and think "Life would be so much simpler if I had the confidence to go make up free at the school run, like @Overtherainbow99 does." We just don't know.

The fact is, even though she seems perfect to you, I can guarantee that she will feel insecure about something. How do I know this? Because she is a human being.

Please never feel down because of the harmless behaviour of someone else that is not aimed at you. I doubt she wears her make up and high heels to upset and hurt you. If she did know that you felt this way, she might well feel awful about it. If it is deliberate provocation, you obviously have the right to feel aggrieved. That goes without saying.

Just concentrate on yourself. Give yourself compliments. Highlight the things about yourself that you like. It can be anything and it doesn't have to relate to the way you look. Are you good at being punctual? Focus on that. Are you intelligent and witty? That's one of your strengths! Are you the person who drops everything to help a fellow human being? That's a much better quality to have than matching the impossible beauty standards imposed upon us.

motherheroic · 12/10/2021 14:34

She most likely doesn't give you a second thought, you should practise the same.

Zombiemum1946 · 12/10/2021 14:36

My mum was always perfectly turned out with a great figure. Behind all that was a depressed and angry woman. Appearances can be deceiving.

fuckitbucket16 · 12/10/2021 14:37

If you wanted to dress up and put makeup on for the school run, you could.

Personally I couldn’t care less, would consider it quite the waste of time and would happily rock up in my PJ’s and oodie if I still went into school.

I genuinely do not notice what other mums are or aren’t wearing though! And don’t care what people think about me!

KILNAMATRA · 12/10/2021 14:38

Thank God at our school we’re all generally glad to kids turfed out, fed and reasonably clean.. that’s achievement enough for 9 am!! So we’ll done for that much.. lots of us turn up in wellies, or mucky walking boots., really I wouldn’t worry.. you’re doing a very important job, bet your kids are immaculate !

Lampzade · 12/10/2021 14:46

Some of these posts remind me of the advice given to those who post about feeling envious of someone who is wealthy.
You get posters saying that these people may not really be wealthy and that they are probably in debt to their eyeballs, miserable, husband is probably shagging the secretary, difficult children ..,
As posters have said, one doesn’t have to knock down someone to build someone else up.
The issue is with the Op not with some random woman at the school gates who makes the Op feel shit .

todaysdilemma · 12/10/2021 14:50

Ah Op, I see all these posts and always think - well, if your appearance bothers you so much, you could always do something about it? She wasn't just born looking that way, she is clearly making an effort/investing in it because it matters to her. If you aren't fussed about hair, make up, style etc then why compare?

Also, if she runs her own business she needs to look professional and put together. If your work place is more casual, you don't. But if your hair is bugging you, you can dye it. It doesn't take that long and you can do chores with it on. Choosing well fitting clothes can be done on a budget, make up can be a quick bit effective routine. It takes no time to put on a red lipstick which makes anyone look pulled together.

Instead of looking for reasons to put this woman down, consider how you could feel better about yourself?

hattiesmith · 12/10/2021 14:51

Underneath it all she will be a regular parent like you and I.
I'm 34 and it's taken me my lifetime to learn don't compare myself to others. She doesn't walk in your shoes and neither do you. Be you and proud.

todaysdilemma · 12/10/2021 14:54

My mum was one of those glamorous women and she had lots of little tricks to look good, because she cared about it. And despite having a demanding career, she fit it in and was a good mum - because she just made the time. So no, it's entirely possible this woman doesn't have some dark back story - she may just like looking her best. And there's nothing wrong with that.

satci · 12/10/2021 15:00

@2bazookas

I promise you, she is a very fragile person frantically plastering over the cracks in her hell-life. Only approach if you have a penchant for charity /missionary work.

You have no way of knowing this. What. A stupid statement. The fact is some people do have things together and are more organised. Luckier with their looks. Have a better paid job. It is life and we need to focus on what we have that is right rather hoping someone else's world is going wrong.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 12/10/2021 15:03

As my old nana used to say, you're not better than anyone else but nobody is better than you.

I love this saying. Not heard it before, but so true.

MRex · 12/10/2021 15:06

Most of what you're seeing is just her confidence. She smiles and laughs, so you perceive her as happy. I couldn't tell you what anyone else wears in our collection queue most days, but the layers are coming back. Just put a nice coat on and clothes don't matter.

If you think it'll make you feel better then figure out something simple for hair and make-up to do in 5-10 min each morning. The right products don't have to be expensive; I like decent conditioner but very cheap shampoo. Smile when you have your outside face on and there you go, you're no different than she is.

peboh · 12/10/2021 15:10

My outward appearance is always put together. I dress myself well, I do my hair and makeup.
However it's because that's the only part of my life I can control, it helps me feel put together.
To those saying she's probably dull etc, that's just plain rude.

Staffy1 · 12/10/2021 15:16

@2bazookas

I promise you, she is a very fragile person frantically plastering over the cracks in her hell-life. Only approach if you have a penchant for charity /missionary work.

Skyeheather · 12/10/2021 15:19

There's a Mum like this at my son's school. She's the only one in the playground that looks stunning, the rest of us look we just got out of bed/on our way to the gym/just grabbed yesterday's clothes off the floor (a couple of the Mum's have said they like to get dressed in peace after drop off).

She lives with her MIL and her DH is very hands on with the kids - she has the time to do full makeup and a fancy up do while her MIL and DH sort out breakfast etc BUT maybe she doesn't like living with MIL (I certainly wouldn't), maybe MIL takes over in the mornings and she walks away and lets her get on with it or maybe she likes this arrangement and is just lucky.

Her life won't be perfect though, she'll have issues same as the rest of us.

There's another lady at my son's baby class who also looks immaculate, that's because her DH starts work late but gets up to sort the kids out whilst she gets herself ready. Not everyone has that luxury.

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