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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to...

53 replies

iammarleysmummy · 12/10/2021 09:58

...expect my husband to do housework? I am a little manic so I actually can't cognicise this. I work freelance and bring in about £400 a month which goes on household stuff including food, storage, and home education stuff (5 yo is home ed)

He works 70+ hour weeks (overnights, home for kids) and brings in around 1500/month.

We both provide respite for someone which pays the rent.

I am responsible for all the home education, laundry, dishes, meals (he will make himself food on the mealtimes I don't make anything due to work), all cleaning.

my entire day is interspersed with housework. When he's off he does nothing for the home, he only rests, but he does pay all bills and buy us takeaways and clothes, and he will give me money when he goes out.

I think I'm being unreasonable expecting more from him, no?

OP posts:
daisiesandpeonies · 12/10/2021 10:25

YANBU I'm a sahm and my husband has a demanding job. I do the lions share of everything and he has days where he does nothing but work and rest. But he will still do some housework without being asked, does bed time with me every day and looks after the children Saturday mornings while I sleep in. If I was working, even part time, I'd expect him to do much more.

Bluntness100 · 12/10/2021 10:43

He works a huge amount for very low pay. How many hours do you do.

Original poster
iammarleysmummy · 12/10/2021 10:46

@daisiesandpeonies

YANBU I'm a sahm and my husband has a demanding job. I do the lions share of everything and he has days where he does nothing but work and rest. But he will still do some housework without being asked, does bed time with me every day and looks after the children Saturday mornings while I sleep in. If I was working, even part time, I'd expect him to do much more.
Thank you for this. It may sound absurd but this is a huge stress for me. I feel like I'm being duped and my brain just can't handle it and I have outbursts. So I really want to ensure I'm not just being a cow, which is entirely plausible.

He actually does childcare, a lot of it, so I'm thinking he's doing enough at this point.

I do find it so annoying that like he will make himself food and then there's a 10 min clean up for me, also collecting the dishes from upstairs, washing them, and wiping down sides. This is each time he does anything in the kitchen so if he makes tea for our little one that means work for me anyway, so I always just do it as it's literally quicker to make her something than to clean up when he does!

I actually don't want him to do any housework, I only want him to clean up after himself.

He sees it as insignificant but that's because he has no concept of keeping a house as he moved straight from his mum's into mine. So the fact all those little things add up to like an hour of my day every day he can't see that.

OP posts:
QforCucumber · 12/10/2021 10:47

Christ that's a lot of hours for very little pay, is he even earning minimum wage? I bring home £1,600 a month and work 35 hours a week!

RusholmeRuffian · 12/10/2021 10:47

Surely if he works those hours for that money he is on less than minimum wage? I would have an issue with that for starters. Maybe he could look for another job that pays the same but for a normal number of hours then he'd have more time to pitch in which he absolutely should be doing.

SoupDragon · 12/10/2021 10:53

I actually don't want him to do any housework, I only want him to clean up after himself

That is absolutely reasonable.

ShirleyPhallus · 12/10/2021 10:54

Is he even earning minimum wage OP?

SameToo · 12/10/2021 10:55

Christ his job sounds shit.

VladmirsPoutine · 12/10/2021 10:56

That's a crazy amount of hours for the money he gets. But working in the caring profession is a thankless job. I'm not sure if either of you are being unreasonable but you aren't unreasonable that he could do more cleaning.

Bontanics · 12/10/2021 10:57

70 hrs a week for 1500 a month is little over £4 a hour. Is he on apprenticeship or something?

HouseOfFire · 12/10/2021 10:59

@SoupDragon

I actually don't want him to do any housework, I only want him to clean up after himself

That is absolutely reasonable.

Agreed

However, that many hours sounds like he is under nmw and should get advice, and/or change jobs

wallysally · 12/10/2021 11:03

Are you sure he is at work for 70 hours? For that money?? Confused

girlmom21 · 12/10/2021 11:07

He needs to find a new job where he either works reasonable hours for that pay or he gets paid for the hours he works.

He can then have plenty of time to tidy up after himself.

Original poster
iammarleysmummy · 12/10/2021 11:13

@RusholmeRuffian

Surely if he works those hours for that money he is on less than minimum wage? I would have an issue with that for starters. Maybe he could look for another job that pays the same but for a normal number of hours then he'd have more time to pitch in which he absolutely should be doing.
He's on about a tenner an hour and a lot goes in tax. Also I don't know the exact amounts, he often makes 2K so that could be for 70 hours. Anyway we all know care work is the most underpaid work in history.
OP posts:
Original poster
iammarleysmummy · 12/10/2021 11:14

@Bontanics

70 hrs a week for 1500 a month is little over £4 a hour. Is he on apprenticeship or something?
Obviously I got it wrong as it wasn't the point of the post.
OP posts:
Original poster
iammarleysmummy · 12/10/2021 11:16

@Bluntness100

He works a huge amount for very low pay. How many hours do you do.
I don't understand this sentence, why are people focusing on this? I got that wrong okay?
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 12/10/2021 11:18

@iammarleysmummy people are focussing on it because if he's working that many hours and it takes him away from home life/responsibility it's only fair that it's financially worthwhile and beneficial

Original poster
iammarleysmummy · 12/10/2021 11:20

[quote girlmom21]@iammarleysmummy people are focussing on it because if he's working that many hours and it takes him away from home life/responsibility it's only fair that it's financially worthwhile and beneficial [/quote]
I got the income incorrect. He doesn't tell me how much he brings home, he's mentioned 1500 once, he probably did a normal week. You're right it's way off lol

OP posts:
CaribouCarafe · 12/10/2021 11:20

I think he should be tidy and look after his mess, but to be honest with his hours and you being a SAHM I would absolutely expect you to be doing the vast majority of the housework.

Couldhavebeenme3 · 12/10/2021 11:22

He's on WAAAAY below minimum wage op, your first priority should be sorting that out. 12 hour days (assuming 6 day week) for £350 a week? Nah. Is he definitely at work all those hours? Getting paid for travel time between clients? Have you seen his wage slips? How can he be doing tonnes of childcare when he's out of the home so much?

Tidying up his mess is just courtesy, and you're not his cleaner. Just leave it and show him how much of a mess he's actually expecting you to skivvy round after him.

But first, sort out his hours/salary, either his employer is illegally screwing him over or he's not being truthful about his hours or wages.

girlmom21 · 12/10/2021 11:24

@iammarleysmummy oof, that's not going to go down well here. If you're reliant on his income (I know you do contribute too) and he's working 70 hour weeks, leaving everything else to you, you should absolutely know how much he earns!

Mymapuddlington · 12/10/2021 11:25

I think as he works so much the majority should be on you. You do full time housework/raising kids and he does full time at work.
Obviously have a chat and ask him to just tidy up after himself as that’s not difficult.

I would be concerned why you don’t know how much money he brings in. Do you have any idea on the household finances at all?

Original poster
iammarleysmummy · 12/10/2021 11:27

@CaribouCarafe

I think he should be tidy and look after his mess, but to be honest with his hours and you being a SAHM I would absolutely expect you to be doing the vast majority of the housework.
Thank you, I see your point. I do work though, some days I work all day long because my work hours really vary. I am not a "SAHM" I am a working mother who home educates and works from home.
OP posts:
Original poster
iammarleysmummy · 12/10/2021 11:28

[quote girlmom21]@iammarleysmummy oof, that's not going to go down well here. If you're reliant on his income (I know you do contribute too) and he's working 70 hour weeks, leaving everything else to you, you should absolutely know how much he earns! [/quote]
He earns £10 an hour. My calculation was just dumb because I didn't think it would be focused on. I admit that was very silly.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 12/10/2021 11:28

How long are you together?
Are the children his?
How many children?

Whose home is it?
Why don't you know how much he earns?

Why don't you have access to money?

How many hours are you working?
How many hours respite?
Home schooling is a huge amount of work.

It all reads very strange OP.Flowers

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