AIBU to...

[iammarleysmummy]

...expect my husband to do housework? I am a little manic so I actually can't cognicise this. I work freelance and bring in about £400 a month which goes on household stuff including food, storage, and home education stuff (5 yo is home ed)

He works 70+ hour weeks (overnights, home for kids) and brings in around 1500/month.

We both provide respite for someone which pays the rent.

I am responsible for all the home education, laundry, dishes, meals (he will make himself food on the mealtimes I don't make anything due to work), all cleaning.

my entire day is interspersed with housework. When he's off he does nothing for the home, he only rests, but he does pay all bills and buy us takeaways and clothes, and he will give me money when he goes out.

I think I'm being unreasonable expecting more from him, no?

Both of you seem to do many hours for low incomes.

You home school, you both look after another person. No help with cleaning.

Frankly it seems unmanageable long term. Either you both need to bring more income and buy in help or you need to reduce your activities.

I got the income incorrect. He doesn't tell me how much he brings home, he's mentioned 1500 once, he probably did a normal week. You're right it's way off lol

OP that's not a LOL, that's incredible to believe you don't know how much he earns, bordering (along with his other domestic expectations) on potential financial abuse.

£10 per hour for a 70 hour week, after a generous 25% deduction, is still £2300 a month take-home. Your money pays for food, storage, household stuff and HE resources, and you don't have to worry about paying rent, and you're left to feel guilty that he gives you some money when HE goes out? WTF??

Is there any chance of your dc going into mainstream school so you can increase your own income and start getting those ducks in order? Him leaving his plate on the side is the very least of your problems...

@Couldhavebeenme3

He's on WAAAAY below minimum wage op, your first priority should be sorting that out. 12 hour days (assuming 6 day week) for £350 a week? Nah. Is he definitely at work all those hours? Getting paid for travel time between clients? Have you seen his wage slips? How can he be doing tonnes of childcare when he's out of the home so much?

Tidying up his mess is just courtesy, and you're not his cleaner. Just leave it and show him how much of a mess he's actually expecting you to skivvy round after him.

But first, sort out his hours/salary, either his employer is illegally screwing him over or he's not being truthful about his hours or wages.

No he's on £10 an hour. I am his cleaner that's how it's become. I have asked him to pick up after himself and he just said no.

I got the calculation stupidly wrong and can't edit. he earns £10 an hour.

You are contradicting yorself masaively so I am not surprised you are confused.
When he's off he does nothing for the home, he only rests
Vs
He actually does childcare, a lot of it,
That's not nothing.

Yanbu to want him to clean up after himself even if it's just to put stuff in a aink and wipe crumbs though. But you are predominantly home so of course you should take the majority share of housework. It doesn't have to take over your day so much so it becomes frustrating though.

Second others, you should know household income in this situation.

I am his cleaner

To be honest it sounds like that’s all you are.
No knowledge of his finances or where the money goes. Weird.

No he's on £10 an hour. I am his cleaner that's how it's become. I have asked him to pick up after himself and he just said no.

Abusive prick. Who made you his skivvy? What happens when you just say no to picking his shit up?

@Mymapuddlington

I am his cleaner

To be honest it sounds like that’s all you are.
No knowledge of his finances or where the money goes. Weird.

I do know the house's finances.

@Couldhavebeenme3

No he's on £10 an hour. I am his cleaner that's how it's become. I have asked him to pick up after himself and he just said no.

Abusive prick. Who made you his skivvy? What happens when you just say no to picking his shit up?

I can't live in mess you see, it causes me great anxiety to be around mess so that's not an option. I couldn't live like that. So I have to pick up after him constantly all day long.

So.
He does nothing at home.
He does a lot of childcare.

You don’t want him to clean.
But you feel like his cleaner.

You don’t know how much he earns.
But you know the finances.

@Wazzzzzzzup

You are contradicting yorself masaively so I am not surprised you are confused. When he's off he does nothing for the home, he only rests Vs He actually does childcare, a lot of it, That's not nothing.

Yanbu to want him to clean up after himself even if it's just to put stuff in a aink and wipe crumbs though. But you are predominantly home so of course you should take the majority share of housework. It doesn't have to take over your day so much so it becomes frustrating though.

Second others, you should know household income in this situation.

You're right. Childcare is not nothing. Thank you.

OP, it matters because £10/hr at those hours is a take home of over 2k a month, that's £500 a month difference which could be put towards his part of running the house, paying for an actual cleaner or some childcare to give you a break.

It's a huge difference in income which allows outsourcing of things!

@QforCucumber

OP, it matters because £10/hr at those hours is a take home of over 2k a month, that's £500 a month difference which could be put towards his part of running the house, paying for an actual cleaner or some childcare to give you a break.

It's a huge difference in income which allows outsourcing of things!

So you think it's reasonable for me to ask him to spend some of his wages on a cleaner? That's an idea.

So I have to pick up after him constantly all day long

but he's out of the house for 70 hours a week?

It's a matter of respect. There's a good tactic suggested. When he leaves crumbs etc get him to stand by them and say 'fuck you' in your face, because that's the equivalent of him not cleaning up after himself.
Did he move in with you and your children? What was the agreement when his hours built up and he brings in at least £500 a week? Does he resent keeping you?

@Mymapuddlington

So. He does nothing at home. He does a lot of childcare.

You don’t want him to clean.
But you feel like his cleaner.

You don’t know how much he earns.
But you know the finances.

He earns £10 an hour I just put those figures quickly without thinking, they are absurd it's true. I can;t correct the post.

@Ponoka7

It's a matter of respect. There's a good tactic suggested. When he leaves crumbs etc get him to stand by them and say 'fuck you' in your face, because that's the equivalent of him not cleaning up after himself. Did he move in with you and your children? What was the agreement when his hours built up and he brings in at least £500 a week? Does he resent keeping you?

Interesting points. That is exactly how I feel when he leaves mess for me! And I wonder whether I should just submit to all that because he brings in most of the money. Some weeks I can work very little, others non stop and it stresses me out. And my money goes on me and my child and the home, like trips out, travel, sometimes my hobbies, me socialising - he doesn't really socialise.

He is not stingy and he does not mind being our breadwinner.

Yes, he moved into my home with my daughter when she was 1.5 years of age. He is younger than me, he was living with his mum.

Our situation used to be very different including tax credits but he expressly wanted to become a full-time worker to keep this home and me and our child and he's done that.

It's just the fact I have to be up and downstairs all day every day litter and crockery and laundry picking. I tell him I could just go and do that as a job. He just simply does not get that it all builds up.

If I did what you suggest, which in ways I actually have, he says things to me that make me very frustrated such as I do nothing for the home, and I get angry and end up having to apologise to him for being a bitch.

@Mymapuddlington

I think as he works so much the majority should be on you. You do full time housework/raising kids and he does full time at work. Obviously have a chat and ask him to just tidy up after himself as that’s not difficult.

I would be concerned why you don’t know how much money he brings in. Do you have any idea on the household finances at all?

Yes I do I just didn't think about the figures I was putting down as I was just trying to illustrate he works lots and brings in a lot more than I do.

So he's working 70 hours a week, pays all bills, dc is not his, you don't work much as you choose to home educate...I probably wouldn't give him a hard time to be honest.
70 hours plus travel plus sleep doesn't leave much.

@QforCucumber

So I have to pick up after him constantly all day long

but he's out of the house for 70 hours a week?

That's a good point too ...

I think it can be difficult when a couple have different household standards to each other - I ended up lowering mine so I could stay sane. Not that I live in a pit, but cleaning is not a daily thing any more. However it seems that that isn't an option for you as it would cause too much stress.

Maybe highlight to your DH that he has a choice to either clean up after himself or pay towards a cleaner to clean up his mess. Maybe that will strike home.

I actually don't want him to do any housework, I only want him to clean up after himself.

I think the key here is basic respect. You are not asking him to pick up the ironing or shopping or scrub the kitchen sink. You are asking him to put his pots in the dishwasher when he makes himself food, wipe the kitchen side down when he's used it, put his washing in the wash bin, rinse the bath when he's used it.

This kind of crap makes my blood boil. Before long your kids will follow his example and you will be skivvying after them too. The o ky way to solve it is to simple stop. Stop washing clothes that don't make the wash bin. Stop clearing up after he has made food just leave it, brush it to one side or if it gets really bad scoop it all up and dump it on his bed, his office or gaming chair. Make him deal with it.

So it isn’t his child that he is supporting you to enable homeschooling, he works 70 hours a week and does childcare for a child that isn’t his? I don’t think I’d give him too much of a hard time to be honest.

@billy1966

How long are you together? Are the children his? How many children?

Whose home is it?
Why don't you know how much he earns?

Why don't you have access to money?

How many hours are you working?
How many hours respite?
Home schooling is a huge amount of work.

It all reads very strange OP.

How long are you together? 4 years. Are the children his? Not biologically. How many children? One daughter.

Whose home is it? Social landlord, my tenancy.
Why don't you know how much he earns? I do. £10/hour.

Why don't you have access to money? I do, the money I earn, about £400/month from my freelance work.

How many hours are you working? Depends on the week, I'm freelance and work on projects that take varying amounts of time.
How many hours respite? a weekend, it pays the rent.
Home schooling is a huge amount of work. I know, but we are doing very well.

It all reads very strange OP.

@elbea

So it isn’t his child that he is supporting you to enable homeschooling, he works 70 hours a week and does childcare for a child that isn’t his? I don’t think I’d give him too much of a hard time to be honest.

The child is "his". He's her dad. He's just not her biological father.

@elbea

So it isn’t his child that he is supporting you to enable homeschooling, he works 70 hours a week and does childcare for a child that isn’t his? I don’t think I’d give him too much of a hard time to be honest.

But I take that point, he is supporting this family well.