Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate the rhetoric surrounding cancer

106 replies

beewritesx · 11/10/2021 20:11

My dad passed away last night so slightly emotional post ...

I really can't stand the rhetoric surrounding cancer. Whilst I know that anybody with this awful disease has a fight on their hands, I personally can't stand it when tabloids post that X "lost their battle to their cancer". No, they didn't. Their treatment stopped working. That's it!

My Dad was convinced he could "beat it". He put everything on hold because he thought he had a fighting chance. Realistically, he was in his sixties and smoked and drank all his life (in other words: his health wasn't great!). However, at the start of his diagnosis, he talked about going back to work as soon as he finished chemo and received the 'all clear'. He refused a mobility chair and didn't want visitors until he felt better. He was working on a novel he never had a chance to finish and his website has been taken down because he was too sick to update it. He also couldn't spend any time with his grandson because he was always too ill.

I'm not saying he shouldn't have had chemo. I just wish people hadn't given him all this false hope! 😥

OP posts:
Greenmarmalade · 11/10/2021 20:13

I’m very sorry for your loss. I agree- strongly dislike talk of ‘battling.’

nonevernotever · 11/10/2021 20:14

I'm sorry for your loss too. And you are quite right.

Blackopal · 11/10/2021 20:16

So very sorry for your loss, I hope you have lots of support.

Yanbu with the 'fight' stuff, it's patronising and untrue. Yes, you have alot to face when having treatment but, like alot in life, comes down to luck. There is less control than we'd like.

Again, so sorry Flowers

LuckyAmy1986 · 11/10/2021 20:16

I’m sorry Flowers and yes completely agree

Chilver · 11/10/2021 20:18

I agree. If you turn it on its head, its like saying that if you die, it's your fault for not fighting hard enough or being good enough. (I had cancer and hated the rhetoric and being told I was 'so strong' all the time - not like I had a bloody choice to go through the hell of cancer, was it??!)

So sorry for your loss Flowers

FWBNC · 11/10/2021 20:18

I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad xx

Cancer is a bastard!

I dislike 'lost his battle' as well.

Hollowgast · 11/10/2021 20:19

Totally agree and I'm very sorry for your loss. "Bravely fought cancer". Usually said about those who made it to remission, implying those that died of the disease did so because they didn't try hard enough.

Science fights cancer. The patient is the battleground.

thefirstmrsrochester · 11/10/2021 20:20

I agree OP, everyone with cancer wants to live and ‘fight’ has got little to nothing to do with it the eventual outcome. Sometimes treatment works, sadly sometimes it doesn’t. I’m so very sorry for your loss Flowers

tempchecked · 11/10/2021 20:20

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, and I agree with you.

Seems there is a subtle message regarding those that succumb to cancer as not having fought hard enough, and that is grossly unfair and untrue.

We rarely hear such language surrounding other life threatening illnesses.

notanothertakeaway · 11/10/2021 20:21

Yes I agree. When people talk about a brave fight, I feel it implies that if someone died, it's because they didn't try hard enough. I know it's praise for someone showing courage in the face of adversity, but I don't like it. And if someone responds to cancer by crying and withdrawing from the world, they shouldn't be made to feel guilty for that

Sorry about your dad

BubbleCoffee · 11/10/2021 20:21

So sorry for your loss.

Yes, I agree the language is inappropriate and cliched.

Comedycook · 11/10/2021 20:22

Totally agree

And so sorry for your loss Flowers

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 11/10/2021 20:24

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

My mum died of cancer and I agree with what you've said. When she was ill, we couldn't get away from adverts on television, on billboards, posters, and leaflets all about "beating cancer". It felt like they were everywhere and it really hurt. It was such an awful time and to be surrounded by rubbish about fighting cancer just made things worse.

M0rT · 11/10/2021 20:25

I'm stage 4 and I completely agree. It's nothing to do with strength of will or even body if you recover or not.
You either catch it early enough and get treatment that works or you don't. That's it!
Like every other disease.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 11/10/2021 20:26

Agree.

My mum had throat cancer two years ago- thankfully caught fairly early and her treatment was successful.

She got friendly with another man going through the same treatment for the same cancer, he was a week ahead of her in the 15 week schedule. Late 30s, fireman, married with a toddler. His treatment just didn't work, and he died a few months after mum was given the all clear.

He didn't fight any less than my mum did. He wasn't weaker, and didn't have any less to live for. He didn't give up. His treatment just stopped working.

paisley256 · 11/10/2021 20:27

Yeah i echo pp about being brave and strong - no I wasn't I just chose to have surgery and the therapies afterwards, there was no brave or strong about it.

RoseAdagio · 11/10/2021 20:27

I'm really sorry for your loss. 😪

I completely agree. I also hate the constant talk of "brave" battles. Maybe some cancer sufferers are brave and determined and all power to them for that, but truth is plenty are scared, or angry and bitter, and the truth is they are just as entitled to feel angry, bitter or scared as the brave and determined ones are entitled to feel positive in the face of it. I hate the idea that cancer sufferers feel some sort of social obligation to try to be brave and positive about it when inside they feel anything but.

Sending you massive amounts of condolences and healing vibes. Hope you're getting plenty of support and being well looked after.x

SMUnz · 11/10/2021 20:28

Agree. My dad died of cancer when I was a child. Because of this message I felt like he didn’t love me enough to fight hard enough. Wish I had known better.

bloodywhitecat · 11/10/2021 20:28

I am so sorry for your loss and completely agree.

We are in the throes of this right now as DH has cancer and is palliative, I hate the "Never Give Up" message that gets trotted out too.

Practicebeingpatient · 11/10/2021 20:30

I totally agree with you. My super fit, marathon running dad died of cancer aged 53. He didn't lose a battle. He had every treatment going and was hopeful until he went into a coma after 18 months . He died 6 weeks later. He didn't lose a battle. He died of an illness.

My mum OTOH was diagnosed with cancer at age 73. She refused all treatment. She is still alive, well and symptomless 6 years later. She isn't braver than dad or stronger, just luckier.

BakedTattie · 11/10/2021 20:30

So sorry about your dad. It’s so unbelievably hard.

I do like the term. My mum sure as hell gave it her all and battled right up until her very last breath. Chemo prolonged my mums life, and yes eventually treatment stopped working but I mum battled every single day as that fucking bastard disease.

Thefartingsofaofdenmarkstreet · 11/10/2021 20:31

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I know that a lot of people hate the 'battle' language, but on the other hand, some people with cancer do choose to use that fight/battle/warrior sort of language and that's OK too. When Sarah Harding died, people were falling over themselves to berate the media for talking about her 'battle' she 'fought' with cancer and in doing so hadn't even taken the time to read her Mums statement about her death, which actually used those exact words.

I do think the media etc should take their cue from the person in question though, and I do agree that while cancer can feel like a battle a lot of days (speaking from experience) ultimately it is just all about luck.

Piggy42 · 11/10/2021 20:32

So sorry for your loss OP, I completely understand what you mean.

tootiredtospeak · 11/10/2021 20:34

Its crap so sorry for your loss. My dad has lung cancer and has been receiving treatment for the last 2 years had chemo radiotherapy and immunotherapy. Everything works for a bit but it keeps coming back as its agressive. He is also mid sixties and smoked heavily and drank heavily for most of the time up to his fifties at least. I dont know if he is a battle of not he feels he is and that if he gives in to the inevitable (he has been told its incurable so now it's how much time). He will deteriorate more quickly he is determined to be positive eat well exercise and look after himself. Ironically all the stuff he never did for the first fifty years. I dont know what the right terminology there must be some reason that treatment works for some and not others and why some people will end up beating it and some wont.

Ilovechinese · 11/10/2021 20:34

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've lost a few family members to cancer including a parent. Seeing someone slowly dying if cancer is the worst

Swipe left for the next trending thread