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Original poster

To hate the rhetoric surrounding cancer

106 replies

beewritesx · 11/10/2021 20:11

My dad passed away last night so slightly emotional post ...

I really can't stand the rhetoric surrounding cancer. Whilst I know that anybody with this awful disease has a fight on their hands, I personally can't stand it when tabloids post that X "lost their battle to their cancer". No, they didn't. Their treatment stopped working. That's it!

My Dad was convinced he could "beat it". He put everything on hold because he thought he had a fighting chance. Realistically, he was in his sixties and smoked and drank all his life (in other words: his health wasn't great!). However, at the start of his diagnosis, he talked about going back to work as soon as he finished chemo and received the 'all clear'. He refused a mobility chair and didn't want visitors until he felt better. He was working on a novel he never had a chance to finish and his website has been taken down because he was too sick to update it. He also couldn't spend any time with his grandson because he was always too ill.

I'm not saying he shouldn't have had chemo. I just wish people hadn't given him all this false hope! 😥

OP posts:

mineofuselessinformation · 11/10/2021 20:34

I agree with you, it's not a 'battle'.
Either you're suitable for treatment, or not, and even then the treatment doesn't always work. Whatever the person's personality is has no influence at all.
I'm so sorry, OP. If someone uses that terrible phrase to you, please tell them that it's upsetting and that you don't want to hear it.
I lost my Dad to cancer just 30 days after being diagnosed, and another close family member has just died. Both of them 'deserved to live', but that's not the way cancer works....
and hugs to you.

Inaminutenow · 11/10/2021 20:35

So sorry for your loss. Totally agree with you, as if the ones who 'beat' it fought harder than those who didn't... No, they were lucky, that's all...

TheVolturi · 11/10/2021 20:35

So sorry op. And I agree with you.

Thefartingsofaofdenmarkstreet · 11/10/2021 20:35

Yes, people with cancer aren't 'brave' and haven't been specially chosen because they are so strong. They are just normal people who don't have any choice but to turn up for their hospital appointments and deal with whatever comes their way!

I used to find it very strange when people said 'you are so brave, you are amazing' etc - I was still just the same person!

Sidneysussex · 11/10/2021 20:37

I agree I hate the " fighting" "winning" "lost the battle" crap. Cancer is an evil disease quite simply sometimes it can be treated and sometimes it can't. Sometimes People die of cancer and it's not because they didn't fight hard it's because the cancer they had could not be cured.
I also lost my dad to cancer and I had cancer as a child. Hate hate hate it and can't stand the fighting talk. I was lucky my dad wasn't.
Please take care of yourself you are probably going through all sorts of emotions at the moment Including anger. That's ok but be kind to yourself x

EmmalineC · 11/10/2021 20:39

Condolences on the loss of your dad. It sounds as if he dealt with his illness by telling himself, and others, that he would get better, that cancer was just another illness and he would recover from it in time. Unfortunately, cancer comes in lots of different forms and some people are unable to recover, the cancer is too aggressive, the treatment is ineffective, death comes before anyone is ready to face it.

My brother had a particularly nasty cancer, he had 4 months from diagnosis to death, and the overwhelming message from others was 'you can beat this, you are strong, you have so much to live for.' He told me he knew he wasn't going to recover, his oncologist had been extremely open with him, his chances of remission were tiny. He wanted to talk about his life, the joys he had experienced, the adventures he'd had, but people just batted him away with 'you're not going to die' - I guess because they were uncomfortable with him knowing he was approaching the end of his life. Thankfully, his immediate family, parents, siblings, wife and sons, were able to support him emotionally and he had a peaceful end.

BitterTits · 11/10/2021 20:41

Loathe it. There was nobody more spirited and determined to survive than my mum but she didn't stand a chance. Not least because she couldn't get her second line treatment because of her postcode.

MrsPnut · 11/10/2021 20:42

I’m very sorry for your loss.

I too hate all the fighting, battle, brave, strong platitudes. I am no stronger than anyone else, I just turn up and people, do things to me. I turn up because I have no choice.

Cancer doesn’t discriminate, they don’t choose special people. It’s luck and it’s shitty (sometimes it’s really shitty).

SudokuWillNotSaveYou · 11/10/2021 20:44

I’m so sorry for your loss, OP. I lost my father to cancer this year very quickly. There’s actually a bit of a movement about this - not using the rhetoric of battling and fighting and warriors and things about cancer. Yes, cancer is awful, but we’re still talking about our bodies, and when we’re going through something so terrible, we need to love our bodies more than ever. So this idea that we need to fight “against” a cancer inside us, can be really detrimental for some people. Also, this idea that you have to be a “warrior” when you feel horrible, ill, broken, weak, torn up. There’s more emphasis being placed on being “healed” of cancer and it being a journey instead of a fight. It may sound a bit new-angry, and I’m the least woo person I know, but I did study rhetoric, so I know that the words we use repeatedly do affect the way our brains function.

Also, moving away from the fight/battle/warrior rhetoric then automatically removes what you’re talking about: nobody loses a fight, nobody dies because they weren’t enough of a warrior. They didn’t get healed, and their journey came to an end.

And of course, part of all of this is also emphasis to continue your life (as much as you’re able) while you have cancer, because you focus on living, not fighting. You’re just someone who is trying to be healed of something while living.

SudokuWillNotSaveYou · 11/10/2021 20:44

Omg. New- AGEY. Not new-angry. What a typo.

HelloChompy · 11/10/2021 20:45

So very sorry OP I completely agree with you, I hate these types of adverts - cancer we're coming to get you or we're kicking cancers ass etc..... So much is simply down to luck.

Redhotchilis · 11/10/2021 20:53

I wholeheartedly agree OP. I'm so sorry for your loss. My own DD died of cancer quite a few years ago now, and it still makes me so angry when I hear these offensive comments. And they are offensive. The inference makes my blood boil and I can only think that many people who say this trite have never lost anyone close to this horrid disease.

I also agree with your other point. My DD had an incurable cancer, he was given an operation at a specialist hospital hours away from his home (new treatment in this country at the time) with the aim of extending his life slightly. On discharge, the consultant cheerfully told my DD he was now as fit and healthy as the consultant himself . We all knew this obviously wasn't the case. My DD had his hopes lifted temporarily but the crash was much heavier when he eventually realised what a load of crap that was. He died a couple of months after that operation. I've always thought WTAF was that surgeon playing at telling him that.

for you. My heart goes out to you at this time xx

chocolateorangeinhaler · 11/10/2021 20:54

You're not wrong. I've always hated the 'bravely battling cancer' line. It almost implies those that do die from having cancer didn't do enough. Hardly comforting to the families and friends of the deceased in the weeks, months and years afterwards.

shrodingersbiscuit · 11/10/2021 20:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

blackheartsgirl · 11/10/2021 20:57

Sorry for your loss

I hate it too.my dh died 3 months ago after a a very short time with cancer. He never even got the chance to have chemo. It was that aggressive he had no chance.

All this he lost the battle..the fight..implies he was weak and feeble when in reality he was the most strongest and bravest person I know.

You don't fight cancer, you are just fortunate your treatment works

YouTubeAddict · 11/10/2021 20:59

My dad died yesterday, also of cancer 😢 I agree with everything @beewritesx

blackheartsgirl · 11/10/2021 20:59

And by strong I don't mean he wasn't bloody terrified because he was. He was just so accepting at the end. It broke my heart in two

AramintaLee · 11/10/2021 21:01

I had cancer when I was a teenager and although I get why some don't like certain words (like "battle" or "fought cancer" etc) I definitely felt like I was in a battle, fighting for my life. It was so up and down... every week it felt like I was hit with a new obstacle/challenge to overcome (be it a blood clot, catching norovirus) and every chemotherapy completed was like a match won in my favour. It doesn't mean those who lose their lives to cancer didn't fight hard enough. People get dealt different hands and having experienced it myself, anyone who goes through it no matter what the outcome is a fucking hero because it is HARD and sucks immensely.

So I get what you mean, but I don't necessarily agree

WhatAShilohPitt · 11/10/2021 21:01

I also hate the idea of ‘fighting’ and ‘battling’ cancer, as if those who died just didn’t try hard enough or put up enough resistance to kick cancer’s arse. It’s offensive and distressing to those of us who know how hard it is to have the energy to get out of bed and turn up for the hospital appointments, never mind get some sort of sword and shield out.

Onestep2021 · 11/10/2021 21:04

My dad is still alive after cancer. People say he ‘beat it’. It always was jarring. You don’t beat cancer. You just get lucky.

Mumberjack · 11/10/2021 21:07

I’m so sorry for your loss.

It’s unfair to say that people ‘battle’ cancer and to succumb to the illness is losing a fight.

Cancer doesn’t fight fairly; it’s a terror attack on the body.

Shmithecat2 · 11/10/2021 21:08

@notanothertakeaway

Yes I agree. When people talk about a brave fight, I feel it implies that if someone died, it's because they didn't try hard enough. I know it's praise for someone showing courage in the face of adversity, but I don't like it. And if someone responds to cancer by crying and withdrawing from the world, they shouldn't be made to feel guilty for that

Sorry about your dad

All of this.

Onestep2021 · 11/10/2021 21:09

I hadn’t read @AramintaLee post before I posted. I hadn’t really thought how the language is for those going through it and those who are survived it. I can appreciate how the language of war actually must be very apt. What a thing to have gone through as a teenager @AramintaLee..

paisley256 · 11/10/2021 21:10

RoseAdagio You said everything i tried to say but better. I was very pissed off to be really honest, just totally pissed off and i certainly didn't feel brave i was terrified.

FuckingFabulous · 11/10/2021 21:14

I dislike it. It's like saying they just weren't good enough to defeat it. My grandmother died of lung cancer before she was sixty. She smoked from pre teen years, so it wasn't a shock, but it was a shock to her to be told she was dying when she was originally told she could "fight" and that she was strong and determined. Determination has nothing to do with it. You either have a cancer that's too aggressive or invasive for successful treatment or you have one that's held at bay or cured by the treatment. That's got nothing to do with how much you wanted to live or how strong you were or anything else. I hope and pray I'm lucky enough to never know firsthand what it's like to suffer with cancer or to watch my closest loved ones do so. It didn't look like a fight for my grandmother. It looked like a fairly swift and debilitating decline, despite the obituary making reference to her battles

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