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AIBU?

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Original poster

To hate the rhetoric surrounding cancer

106 replies

beewritesx · 11/10/2021 20:11

My dad passed away last night so slightly emotional post ...

I really can't stand the rhetoric surrounding cancer. Whilst I know that anybody with this awful disease has a fight on their hands, I personally can't stand it when tabloids post that X "lost their battle to their cancer". No, they didn't. Their treatment stopped working. That's it!

My Dad was convinced he could "beat it". He put everything on hold because he thought he had a fighting chance. Realistically, he was in his sixties and smoked and drank all his life (in other words: his health wasn't great!). However, at the start of his diagnosis, he talked about going back to work as soon as he finished chemo and received the 'all clear'. He refused a mobility chair and didn't want visitors until he felt better. He was working on a novel he never had a chance to finish and his website has been taken down because he was too sick to update it. He also couldn't spend any time with his grandson because he was always too ill.

I'm not saying he shouldn't have had chemo. I just wish people hadn't given him all this false hope! 😥

OP posts:

Bonsaibreaker · 11/10/2021 22:57

Dad was a big strong man but cancer took him him 6 months after diagnosis.
I cant watch the adverts that say "we will fight this" or " stand up to cancer".
I know its stupid but somehow it makes me feel like others think dad was weak losing his battle so quickly. He wasn't he really fought he didn't want to die but it was never his choice.

EugeniaGrace · 11/10/2021 23:02

To those on this thread who are bereaved

Susan Sontag wrote an excellent book discussing the language used around illness but in particular cancer and AIDS.

Illness as Metaphor and AIDS and Its Metaphors

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0141187123/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_3BWPJRR30EMX3V5E7VWK?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Bluekangaroo123 · 11/10/2021 23:45

@tunnocksreturns2019, your post brought me to tears. I’m so sorry about your DH. It’s all so very unfair.
I hope anyone with a parent who has died from cancer doesn’t feel their parent didn’t want to stay alive enough to ‘beat’ the disease. It breaks my heart to think my daughter might ever feel like this. I hope I am lucky enough to have a few more years with her.

Bluekangaroo123 · 11/10/2021 23:48

@EugeniaGrace, thanks for sharing. This looks brilliant

Percypigg · 11/10/2021 23:49

It's rubbish and I hate it too.

I am so sorry for your loss.

lawofdistraction · 11/10/2021 23:56

I'm so sorry for your loss. And I completely agree with you.

Libraryghost · 12/10/2021 00:20

I totally agree with you op. I think it’s human behaviour to think we can control everything - we can’t. Yes a can do attitude is always helpful but cancer is essentially disorganised cells invading your body. Either the treatment works or it doesn’t - no matter how hard you ‘fight’

trappedsincesundaymorn · 12/10/2021 00:23

Sorry for your loss.
I lost my Ddad to cancer last November and I hated the way people kept telling him to "fight this" and "you can win the fight" and the absolute worse thing "you've got to beat this for your family". When he got told that his illness was too far gone and it would only be a matter of weeks, I watched him sob with guilt at "letting you all down" and "failing". My proud lovely dad spent his last lucid days apologising for not being strong enough and for letting us down, all because he could not "fight" anymore.

TheChiefJo · 12/10/2021 00:53

I hate the military metaphors for disease. It's an inappropriate comparison and misrepresents both the human experience of serious disease and the experience of violent conflict. Two things that should be treated sensitively but factually. They are not the same.

So sorry for your loss, OP

Scrollonthroughtherain · 12/10/2021 07:45

My nan passed away of stage 4 cancer recently. She has some radiotherapy but she was 85 and had smoked since she was barely more than a child. The whole battling and fighting rhetoric was probably what made my uncle and aunt feel they were justified in having a go at her when she decided to stop treatment because she was "giving up". They felt she should keep "fighting." They were very angry with her. But she wasn't giving up. She was brave enough to say that she had had enough and she made the choice that the radiotherapy was horribly affecting her quality of life. I don't think she wanted to have the treatment at all but she felt pressurised into it so that there was evidence that she was "fighting". The treatment made her last few months terrible and in my view, accelerated the need for carers which she didn't want. She accepted the diagnosis a lot earlier than everyone else around her did.

Scrollonthroughtherain · 12/10/2021 07:45

I'm so sorry for anyone who has lost a loved one or is living with it themselves

HuckleberryJam · 12/10/2021 08:28

Agree op

Brainwave89 · 12/10/2021 09:52

Hi Op. I am so sorry for your loss . I lost my dad in pretty much the same circumstances that you outline. In his case, I do not think they gave him false hope, but it is hard to describe what chemo is like and to equate an extra few months with chemo, to living a shorter but better period without it. It was difficult to watch all round, and I hurt for a long time afterwards. It is a horrid and viscous disease, and all you can do is do the best for your loved ones in the time they have it, but for many you will not outrun it.

TrollsAreSaddos · 12/10/2021 10:51

I’m so sorry for anyone who has lost someone or who is dealing with cancer themselves.

I really dislike and fighting talk when it comes to cancer. It makes it sound like it’s a choice to ‘fight’ it. TBH I also dislike the term journey. It’s naff and feels wrong. I also really dislike it when people think suggesting healthy lifestyles, healthy foods, supplements or vitamins or even just having a positive attitude is helpful or appropriate. I’m sure the person with cancer has had plenty of proper advice from their medical team.

A final thing that is annoying is being told about someone’s next door neighbours first aunt who suvived XYZ cancer. That’s great but totally irrelevant.

Having said all of that it’s not up to me to tell other people how to deal with cancer so if they want to call it a battle or whatever then that’s up to them.

AmanitaRubescens · 12/10/2021 19:55

Absolutely agree. Nobody talks about losing the battle against diabetes, high blood pressure or various serious autoimmune illnesses

And they will kill as many of us as cancer will.

I wonder why there isn't the same emotion connected to heart disease as there is to cancer (I've lost a parent to both).

@tunnocksreturns2019 - you are too hard on yourself. I remember you posting when your DH was diagnosed and when he died. You clearly adored him and knew you were going to have to raise your two young children alone. You honour him every day by doing just that.

Skysblue · 12/10/2021 21:23

Yanbu.

I am really uncomfortable with the ‘battle’ rhetoric, and the way media say people ‘beat cancer’ ie were fortunate to find a treatment that worked for them. It implies that the less lucky people are somehow to blame or didn’t fight hard enough, when the reality is that the world is full of shitty diseases and sometimes if you’re unlucky one will get you.

I’m very sorry for your loss OP.

tunnocksreturns2019 · 12/10/2021 21:45

AmanitaRubescens thank you.

I’m certainly still trying.

Jourdain11 · 12/10/2021 22:00

Lots of and love to you all.

I endured cancer - I don't think I fought, battled and triumphed against it. Most of the time I was too exhausted to do much more than sleep and occasionally watch Netflix when the chemo sickness wasn't too grim, neither of which really strike me as battling activities!

Izzy24 · 12/10/2021 22:15

I hate the battle rhetoric too. And the constant order to ‘stay positive’ - as tho if you let your guard slip for a moment and just feel a bit fed up and exhausted by it all the cancer will swoop in and overwhelm you.

At the same time I do think it is important to ‘travel hopefully’. Over time the ‘hope’ may become hope for different things than we envisaged at the beginning of it all, but nevertheless….

Love to all who are going through this themselves, alongside loved ones, those who are in remission ❤️❤️❤️

OutnumberedNotOutdone · 12/10/2021 23:01

Sorry for your loss OP

I agree with you. My now primary school aged DS was diagnosed with leukaemia as a baby and the talk of “battling” and “fighting” was really alien to me and many of the other families we met on our journey - the wonderful ward friends you make but wish you never had in those circumstances. A well known children’s cancer charity rebranded recently to include the word “versus” in its new name. I responded to a survey on the proposed change to say that I didn’t think the battle analogy was helpful because it put the onus on the kids themselves to do the fighting, but I guess I was in a minority.

to everyone on this thread who has lived through a cancer journey, either their own or that of a loved one.

worrieddaughterrr · 12/10/2021 23:07

Agree and so sorry for your loss. My mother was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer, she had planned to refuse treatment as she doesn't want to be in and out of hospital and wants to enjoy her last months without side effects from chemo. They couldn't offer her any treatment anyway as it is too far gone. I'm aware that some people we know will think she is 'giving up' (her half sister was quite incredulous that she'd not been seeing the doctor - she had no symptoms until a couple of weeks ago! and her friend is on a guilt trip about how people will miss her). But it is her choice. Likewise, there isn't anything that can be done and we can't change that. I am suffering infertility and had hoped she would meet her first/only grandchild, no chance of that now.

Similarly my mother in law was ill for a few months, was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive brain tumour, she took experimental treatment which didn't work, she declined very quickly, there wasn't really time to 'fight.' She barely got to meet my nephew.

I get annoyed because my brother's fiancee posts a few times a year about her dad who had leukemia and 'won' the battle and has been in remission for a long time now, whenever something comes up on her facebook memories. She recounts finding out he had cancer in fine detail, how much it affected her and the family, how scared she was, then the triumph of her 'strong and brave' dad beating the cancer. He has two healthy grandchildren and is enjoying his time with them. Wonderful for him, but for me it's a little grating to say the least given our own situation.

HeadPain · 12/10/2021 23:47

@Practicebeingpatient

I totally agree with you. My super fit, marathon running dad died of cancer aged 53. He didn't lose a battle. He had every treatment going and was hopeful until he went into a coma after 18 months . He died 6 weeks later. He didn't lose a battle. He died of an illness.

My mum OTOH was diagnosed with cancer at age 73. She refused all treatment. She is still alive, well and symptomless 6 years later. She isn't braver than dad or stronger, just luckier.

That's so interesting about your mum

Summerdayshaze · 13/10/2021 01:05

My condolences, OP.

My mum died of cancer, four months after diagnosis. I’ve also had cancer and chemotherapy and surgery and been left with life changing effects.

I hate the battle talk, the warrior talk and the bravery talk. I hate the way you are expected to think positively, say it’s made you stronger, raise money.

I hate the fucking “brave” head shaving by people who don’t have cancer.

It’s just fucking shit. Cancer is shit. I don’t have a single positive or uplifting thing to say about my experiences. I may be in remission but I haven’t won anything. I’m broken forever.

Holskey · 13/10/2021 01:33

I'm so sorry for your loss

There's a LOT of linguistic research on the discourse surrounding cancer metaphors. It can be very unhelpful. Yanbu

EmeraldDaisy · 13/10/2021 01:38

So sorry for your loss

I've always hated this kind of language around cancer. I hate it all the more now I've lost my mum to it.

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