Anyone else got a friend who talks about her perfect teens a lot?

[billybuntynomate]

I have DC the exact same age as my Dfriend. Since the start of lockdown 1 she has become fairly unbearable. Her DC (now 16 and 14), were very into home learning doing it all day, did Joe Wicks every morning. This has just carried on and on through revising for GCSES, extra curricular stuff, volunteer for everything at school- they are just the perfect teenagers.
I am jealous because mine love nothing more than a lie in at the weekends, do their school work eventually but after a bit of a nag, would not partake in extra curricular stuff (apart from the 16 year old does do a sport).
This weekend finished me off because she’s now talking about university applications and everything her dd is doing and how much extra work she is doing that she doesn’t need to. I actually felt depressed after I spoke to her and the fact my dc are so much less keen. She says things like ‘dd won’t mind me telling you this but she’s got an A for her homework and her teacher said…’ They’re lovely kids and I should be really pleased for her but I always end up comparing mine unfavourably whenever we have a conversation. Does anyone else get this?

I just ignore it. I'm sure most of it is fake anyway.

You’re only getting the good bits though, not the drama and fights and whatever.
I’m a lot of cases, teens who are forced to conform, do as they’re told, be perfect, later rebel massively. Try and stop comparing, your teens seem pretty typical to most!

Yeah it sounds really annoying

I have an acquaintance like this though our children are younger.

Its bollocks boring and thr sort of thing that only comes from someone with either not enough going on in their own life or someone v I secure.

Op most kids are average messy and don't like doing their homework. I was a total disorganised lazy mess of a teen and I have an amazing job now and a lovely family of my own. I am v senior in a competitive field and my teen years are just something I laugh about

Telling you about their school marks is just seriously dull chat surely that is only of interest to family

Is her marriage falling apart? I would question why she is so anxious to talk about her child with you

Some kids are super achievers but yours sound the more normal

Remember most kids are average not special!

I had a friend who complained about her teens a lot, how lazy they were at school, anti social etc, and it was all a load of BS. They had private tutors, were totally under manners, and got into Cambridge. I felt very patronised that she was pretending her kids were the same as mine. Fake as.
I’d prefer honesty, really.

I think I would have to be honest and tell her it's wearing you down a bit as your own aren't so perfect.

What else do you talk about with her? It sounds as though her life is a bit empty if she only has her teenagers to talk about.

I would add that there are lots of kids in families where they feel they have no choice but to be ‘perfect’ because they are unacceptable/unloveable any other way. Not all high achieving kids, but a good number of them. Usually in families with high levels of anxiety and expectation. I hope that’s not the case for her kids, as it all unravels at some point.

@Bancha

What else do you talk about with her? It sounds as though her life is a bit empty if she only has her teenagers to talk about.

I would add that there are lots of kids in families where they feel they have no choice but to be ‘perfect’ because they are unacceptable/unloveable any other way. Not all high achieving kids, but a good number of them. Usually in families with high levels of anxiety and expectation. I hope that’s not the case for her kids, as it all unravels at some point.

This is my exact line of thinking too OP.

She sounds annoying, just don't use it as a stick to beat your own kids with!

My mum was friends with one of my friends mums and I heard "so and so is doing one of her GCSEs a year early, why aren't you?" amongst other things quite a few times and it was so annoying!

It’s the perfect ones you have to look out for (especially if they head off to Uni having never gone out & made mistakes…they are easy to spot in our Uni town on Freshers week..it gets messy!)

If they feel they have to be ‘perfect’ their parents probably have no idea what they’re really like or feel because they won’t be able to express or show any imperfections at home. It’s a lot of pressure to have that level of expectation from a parent & can be horribly anxiety inducing.

She’s in La La Land basically, or denial, or setting them up for a fall & when it comes to comparison we all know that’s the thief of joy - I’m sure you’re kids are lovely - just nod, smile & ignore!

@billybuntynomate Comparison is the thief of joy. Your friend is allowed to be proud of her children and discuss them with you. Just because her kids are doing well doesn’t mean she’s bragging or showing off. And even if she is, so what? Her kids are doing well and I wouldn’t begrudge her that. Just accept your kids are different and keep caring for them as it fits them. She’s doing the same for her kids. There’s no need to assign some kind of horrible and spiteful back story like her marriage being empty like PPs did. That’s just mean and spiteful.

One of the most liked statuses i ever put on FB was at the end of a long and tedious Easter Holidays, where everyone had posted wonderful happy pictures of outings with their smiling, enthusiastic teens, I decided nearly in tears to write a truthful one.

It was all about how badly behaved my kids had been, stealing each others cash, answering back, hitting their brothers, hiding food wrappers in the sofa, the fact there were no fresh towels anywhere, barely communicating, Air Pods in 100% of the time, the eye roll when asked to actually answer a question, visiting a relative only to have them grunt, "whats your wifi password" on arrival and then sit and look at their phones etc etc.

It got something like 160 likes and a whole load of additional things that various friends' horrible kids had also done over those holidays. (Including most of those parents who'd posted lovely idyllic statuses. They posted back to me with things like, "what you can't see from my post is that i had to bribe my DD with £20 just to come with us...." etc etc. It ended up being the most refreshing and massively funny post ever and i still laugh when it comes up in my memories each year.

Maybe you could tell your friend what the reality is like in your household, truthfully and see if she empathises and says similar little bits or not. If she doesn't, shes'm really not much of a friend IMO.

[quote JingsMahBucket]@billybuntynomate Comparison is the thief of joy. Your friend is allowed to be proud of her children and discuss them with you. Just because her kids are doing well doesn’t mean she’s bragging or showing off. And even if she is, so what? Her kids are doing well and I wouldn’t begrudge her that. Just accept your kids are different and keep caring for them as it fits them. She’s doing the same for her kids. There’s no need to assign some kind of horrible and spiteful back story like her marriage being empty like PPs did. That’s just mean and spiteful.[/quote]
Mine are not perfect either but I totally agree with this - predictions of failed marriages or being able to spot this type at Freshers week are just mean. My sister believes her teens are perfect, when it's abundantly clear to rest of us that they are not. But they are good kids and it's nice to have a proud mum. Don't compare, and don't foretell disaster for them, it's horrible.

@Finals1234 those things have a grain of truth though - people who talk all day about how perfect their kids are often hiding other things. Or in denial.
It’s psychology. If you have to keep telling for example yourself how good everything is chances are they’re not!

It’s like how the most gushy lovey dovey social media couples have the worst relationships.

Her dc actually are actually perfect (I don’t think they do anything non perfect that I don’t hear about) and my Dfriend is absolutely lovely. She has always been very anxious and was very much a ‘helicopter’ parent when the dc were little.

Also to add - I was the perfect child! And to pp saying that stuff can happen later… they are totally right ;)

If she's a good friend I would tolerate her boasts-it makes her happy. Those who are almost hoping her life is lacking in other ways, or her children are heading for disaster, are just jealous/mean. All kids are different - I'm sure your's have their good points too, just different to her kids. I'm sure you know lots of adults who you like or admire, who will have been just like your kids as teenagers.

@billybuntynomate I would actually be worried about them enterin the real world.
Simply because it’s very easy to be perfect in the well kept environment of home. Uni, and then working life would be a wake up call.
This is not t

Do your children know you’re ashamed and embarrassed of them? I wasn’t good enough for my parents so I gave up trying to be “perfect.” What’s the point?

Maybe they are just really nice kids and a happy, not dysfunctional family?
Fair enough that you might not want to keep hearing about it.
Smile and nod and change the subject.

I would find this stressful too OP. I do think your friend is a bit lacking in awareness or empathy if she keeps going on and on about how wonderful her kids are. She must know other families must struggle with some aspects of their teens and to constantly go on about how perfect your own kids are isn't a great idea!

I really do think they are nice kids. I’m also not ashamed or embarrassed of my. But I agree it does make me think mine should be doing stuff her dc are and be more motivated to work harder and be more enthusiastic about it. I do end up comparing my kids with hers which is not fair of me.

If you still like her as a friend then just smile and change the subject when you can. If it has become irritating and grating to listen to then it might reveal something else about your relationship with her.

My friend has a perfect teen and I hear A LOT about them. I have 2 teens who are very much not perfect and I have had many slightly strained conversations with teachers about them. My friends teen can apparently turn their hand to anything and be amazing at it. They are wonderful at sport, performance, art and win endless prizes and awards.They also really respect boundaries and can be trusted alone for a weekend in the house. However, when my friend and the rest of her family went away recently leaving the perfect teen to have a staid and agreed sleepover with friends, it was less than two hours before my teens' instagrams lit up with news of the party that was unfolding at my friends house (they all go to the same school, although aren't friends). A party where several boundaries were smashed with later photographic evidence. My friend doesnt know that I know about this and I don't think that she knows the half of it herself. Now, of course I should tell her what I know, but she absolutely will not believe me and her child will have talked their way out of it. She will definitely shoot the messenger.

My BFF is like this, her children cannot do anything wrong and it's all apparently down to her brilliant parenting. She also refers to them as 'My xxx (insert perfect child's name)', because you know, they belong to her (I'll be there for her when they decide that they are their own people).

I just let her drone on.

If I get a word in edgeways about my own 2 ruffians, the subject gets changed.

I take it all with a pinch of salt. I also listen and learn -taking the good bits and ignoring the rest. It's opened my eyes to what my kids are up against.

I think most people have a ''friend" like this. Unfollow.