Anyone else got a friend who talks about her perfect teens a lot?

[billybuntynomate]

I have DC the exact same age as my Dfriend. Since the start of lockdown 1 she has become fairly unbearable. Her DC (now 16 and 14), were very into home learning doing it all day, did Joe Wicks every morning. This has just carried on and on through revising for GCSES, extra curricular stuff, volunteer for everything at school- they are just the perfect teenagers.
I am jealous because mine love nothing more than a lie in at the weekends, do their school work eventually but after a bit of a nag, would not partake in extra curricular stuff (apart from the 16 year old does do a sport).
This weekend finished me off because she’s now talking about university applications and everything her dd is doing and how much extra work she is doing that she doesn’t need to. I actually felt depressed after I spoke to her and the fact my dc are so much less keen. She says things like ‘dd won’t mind me telling you this but she’s got an A for her homework and her teacher said…’ They’re lovely kids and I should be really pleased for her but I always end up comparing mine unfavourably whenever we have a conversation. Does anyone else get this?

I have a friend who's children are all perfectly behaved and high achievers. Always have been. She's absolutely lovely and doesn't 'boast' about them or anything. Even if she did, she'd have every right to and there is definitely nothing lacking in her life.

I actually unfollowed her during lockdown as seeing the photos on social media of her family bossing lockdown while mine were spiralling at times, wasn't good for me! I know however, that behind the photos, there were likely the odd argument or whatever.

The fact that this bothered me, wasn't a reflection on her or her family but on my insecurities and worries about my own.

Two of my children are bloody hard work, one of them happens to be the same age as one of hers and I spent many years comparing the two and tearing my hair out!

OP it is so hard, I really empathise though I'm glad to see that you are aware that she is lovely and the children are too. It doesn't make it easier to hear their wonderful stories though!
Perhaps next time she starts talking about them you could say 'oh let's not talk about the kids, what have you been up to?' Or something similar.

We were out with our mates on Saturday and their two kids are so well behaved and the youngest did really well at his GCSEs etc. Oldest predicted good A level grades. Great news and all of that, so pleased. Couldn’t help feeling a bit miffed because DH had a PhD, I had a Masters and DS failed all his GCSEs and DSS passed one! They’re both re-doing them. The couple we were out with, only one of them did a degree and the other left school at 16. Funny how things work out.

We’re pinning all our hopes on DSS 😂

Slightly off topic…sorry.

*younger DSS I should say

I would try saying something like 'we always talk about the kids - we should focus on us!' and the ask about her life, talk about your own.

I totally get it - I hate this kind of one upmanship. I think you should also maybe think about celebrating your own kids right back. Her daughter gets an A*, your daughter was really great company on a day out recently or did something kind for a friend, looked amazing on a night out - there will always be something you can celebrate in your own kids.

@LittleGwyneth

I would try saying something like 'we always talk about the kids - we should focus on us!' and the ask about her life, talk about your own.

I totally get it - I hate this kind of one upmanship. I think you should also maybe think about celebrating your own kids right back. Her daughter gets an A*, your daughter was really great company on a day out recently or did something kind for a friend, looked amazing on a night out - there will always be something you can celebrate in your own kids.

Yeah OP - start bragging about your own children. She’ll either get the hint and shut up or try to outdo you - if the latter she’s insecure. Meanness aside it’s very boring to hear someone brag - whether I about kids, cars, or job.

I have yet to meet a perfect teenager. I have come across thousands after 11 years in social work. Every single person in the world is fallible and we all have a few cracks. We are human, we all make mistakes. It is how we learn. You only have a tip of the iceberg view of these kids. Don't compare your own DC. Academic achievement is important but there is way too much emphasis placed on it. Being safe, being loved, loving others and being content are worth their weight in gold for children, under estimate them at your peril.

I am the child of a mother who had friends just like yours. Everything was reported back to me "so and so's daughter has just won a prize for xyz, she is very talented" "so and so's daughter has just had her hair cut, it really shows her beautiful eyes" (usually after I'd come from the hair dressers feeling like a right ugly duckling). I always felt I wasn't good enough and I should be more like "so and so's daughter". It affected my confidence and my head is still messed up now.

Whether what your friend says is true or not, and I wish my mum had taken it with a pinch of salt, ignore it and definitely don't pass the stuff on to your teens.

@LittleGwyneth

I would try saying something like 'we always talk about the kids - we should focus on us!' and the ask about her life, talk about your own.

I totally get it - I hate this kind of one upmanship. I think you should also maybe think about celebrating your own kids right back. Her daughter gets an A*, your daughter was really great company on a day out recently or did something kind for a friend, looked amazing on a night out - there will always be something you can celebrate in your own kids.

This. She's a tiger mom Do not give an inch. Steer conversation away from kids. Everytime. Dogs, politics, royal family, whatever. Have fun with it.

She sounds very helicoptery still. Not much going on in her life. No one’s perfect I’m sure they have fall outs behind scenes.
Yes be supportive to your terms but she sounds very over involved. Worried what will happen if she steps away. I’d suspect her teens will either struggle at Uni as they are used to constant spoon feeding or apply for a Uni 200 miles away and cut apron strings.

I do frequently say ‘let’s not talk about the kids you’re making me nervous’ etc when she’s talking about school work, revising, university applications etc but it really doesn’t stop her.
Thinking about it I think she is still a helicopter mum and doesn’t know how to stop. She even sits with her 16 year old when she’s revising and often emails teachers. Her DH is a bit of a workaholic and not at home very often, they have a cleaner and she doesn’t work so she I think she sees the kids as her purpose in life. Saying that she’s a really lovely friend and would do anything for me and my kids.

perfect kids and a bragging mum....pride comes before a fall is the old saying

your teens sound very normal and I bet they have a lovely relaxed chilled family life

Hmmm, I think our teen DDs are absolutely adorable, I really do. But am (just about) self aware enough to realise they might possibly not appear that way to all (though I find it very hard to believe).

They genuinely haven't ever really given us a moment's worry to be honest - but not because we demand perfection. They just happen to be quite sensible and grounded as a rule. Both academic and both popular etc. So it's all good.

Interestingly, an acquaintance always demanded very high standards from her DCs in everything - she used to show me examples of their perfect handwriting (why? why?) And would demand to know why they hadn't got the top marks in school tests. Fast forward 10 years and the DCs did get to university but have issues with boundaries and drugs.

She sounds truly unbearable

@billybuntynomate

Her dc actually are actually perfect (I don’t think they do anything non perfect that I don’t hear about) and my Dfriend is absolutely lovely. She has always been very anxious and was very much a ‘helicopter’ parent when the dc were little.

I have a friend like this. I love her dearly. She had, from what I can gather, quite a sad, strict upbringing and is still hugely judged by her parents. Academic ability and everything being just so seems to be incredibly important. The anxiety that hides behind it all is so unbearably sad.

I sometimes feel jealous of her high achieving children and their perfect behaviour. Contrasted with my surly, lazy teens. But my teens aren't anxious, have no mental health issues, one has a partner and they're doing ok. Just not Oxbridge like her kids.

I try to screen out my jealous feelings by feeling appreciative of my kids for their best bits, and even when they are surly, lazy teens they are still wonderful in their own ways.

She doesn’t sound lovely. If she was lively she would stop the endless talk about the kids when you asked her to.

Ha ha. I like to think my teenage DDs are very nice humans but they're certainly not perfect!

My DH had an old friend whose DCs were some years older than ours. Every Christmas they used to send us one of those family newsletters about their perfect over-achieving DC - you know the type of thing - "DC1 speaks fluent Mandarin, plays hockey for England Juniors and is spending their gap year building orphanages in Chile, DC2 has had a book published aged 14, won an international science prize and broken the junior world record for holding her breath underwater". DH and I used to take the piss out of their boasts every year and swear not to write boasts about our DCs!

The friend's wondrous DCs are unremarkable young adults now - don't seem to have been selected for the Olympics or elected to Parliament yet...

I have a friend like this. Lockdown for them was daily walks and cycle rides as a family, kids helping Mum to change beds and cook (they were 16 and 18). Funnily enough, my kids know them and tell a different story - secret drinking, finishing essays at 2am, online gambling. They just tell their mother what she wants to hear and unfortunately she tells me.

@Pippyweather

One of the most liked statuses i ever put on FB was at the end of a long and tedious Easter Holidays, where everyone had posted wonderful happy pictures of outings with their smiling, enthusiastic teens, I decided nearly in tears to write a truthful one.

It was all about how badly behaved my kids had been, stealing each others cash, answering back, hitting their brothers, hiding food wrappers in the sofa, the fact there were no fresh towels anywhere, barely communicating, Air Pods in 100% of the time, the eye roll when asked to actually answer a question, visiting a relative only to have them grunt, "whats your wifi password" on arrival and then sit and look at their phones etc etc.

It got something like 160 likes and a whole load of additional things that various friends' horrible kids had also done over those holidays. (Including most of those parents who'd posted lovely idyllic statuses. They posted back to me with things like, "what you can't see from my post is that i had to bribe my DD with £20 just to come with us...." etc etc. It ended up being the most refreshing and massively funny post ever and i still laugh when it comes up in my memories each year.

Maybe you could tell your friend what the reality is like in your household, truthfully and see if she empathises and says similar little bits or not. If she doesn't, shes'm really not much of a friend IMO.

I could have written this! Love it!

I have a friend like this and her teen really is lovely and amazing. She’s totally motivated to become a vet, wins awards, does lots of extra curricular activities and is very self motivated. She’s not a secret gambler or has some sinister dark side or anything
Some teens really do excel.
My dc are fine. They don’t win awards or anything but I help motivate them in their own direction.
I find my friend and her dc inspiring and have often got ideas from her.

I have a friend who is like this. My kids feel downright delinquent by comparison to her angels.
She says things like "I said to Emmy darling please don't play your violin to grandma it's your third instrument, play the cello or flute.".
They act out Shakespeare plays!
They're nice kids but it's their mother. She boasts endlessly and doesn't ever pause to ask me a thing about my kids.
But recently when I was there her perfect children had a fist fight and the younger girl gave her sister a black eye.
So they may play a million instruments and read books in French for fun - but they ain't perfect

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Her dc are probably jealous of your kids carefree (and normal) lives.

You’ll also find that kids who’s parents micro-manage them, struggle when going to university, as they’ve never had to manage by themselves before. Until then, they’ve had their mum guiding them/telling them what to do.

Enjoy your children for who/whom they are (although I admit, I ge5 jealous of similar perfect children who I see on Facebook etc. An odd proud comment, fine, but everything is a success, annoying).

Your DC sound lovely and normal! There is such a thing as doing too much extra stuff. I'd actually be a bit worried about her DC TBH, all the extra work the DD doesn't need to do... why? Perhaps the DD feels the pressure and expectation to live up to the high standards set and therefore will live the rest of her life anxious and motivated only to gain her parents approval... or maybe that's how my life went! I was that perfect child and motivated to be perfect to gain their approval so that I would be worthy of love etc. It is not healthy.

I know someone with perfect teens. Brilliant at school, lovely in the home, musical, arty, science geniuses etc. The stuff my dd has shown me of their social media on the other hand is quite eye watering! Drunk in fields every weekend, much talk of how much they hate their parents, lots of cleavage posing etc. I actually brought up the subject of what have they talked about with said teens about internet presence, but they are so perfect in every way they don't want to hear it.

I've encountered a few of these mums in my time.

Yes, as posters have pointed out, they are allowed to be proud of their DCs and rightly so but no need to brag. You say she's nice OP but I bet she feels good by making you aware that her kids are better than yours. Nobody likes a show off as my old Gran used to say.

Yeah, but to be fair her DS is studying for a degree in Germanic literature at a German university and her DD has got into music college on a degree course after only studying flute for about four years.