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Original poster

Would you put up with a guy who had this kind of “friendship” with his ex

71 replies

Chloeee2001 · 10/10/2021 22:04

really nice man, really polite and generally interesting, good looking etc. He’s a few years younger than me but seems very mature.

We’ve not slept together yet. Today I was with him in training and his phone kept vibrating next to him... continually for about 20 minutes. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the name (obviously not real) “Amber” which I know is his ex girlfriends name.

When we went out for a coffee after curiosity got the better of me when he passed me his phone to pay for the coffees whilst he went the toilet. I scrolled through HUNDREDS of messages him and his ex had been sending each other since early this year. They broke up in 2019.

They even met up last week and she said she was sorry she didn’t stay but she had work the next day (she lives quite a bit away from us. 3 hours or so). So he’d obviously asked her to stay over at his?

Some of the messages say things like “don’t be silly your beautiful, I’ve always found you attractive” (from him), stuff like “your the only one I can talk to like this” (from him) and “I’ve missed you so much it was so good to see you” (from her)

Call logs of 4 hour phone calls.

I mentioned in passing whether he was still in contact with his ex, he said yeah they’re “friends”.

I believe him that they’ve not been sleeping together... but who acts this way with an ex?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 10/10/2021 22:08

who acts this way with an ex?

Not someone who’s ready for another relationship.

Chuck this one back.

Noodella18 · 10/10/2021 22:09

Yeah sorry OP but he's not over her.

RainyDayzs · 10/10/2021 22:10

There's still something between them, sorry op

stayathomer · 10/10/2021 22:12

Oh it's not good that you checked, sorry but ... aside from that, no, there's history or a possible future there and if you checked and are asking you'll never trust him anyway!

SleepingBunnies21 · 10/10/2021 22:12

Who the fk voted 33% yabu?

Sometimes I wonder if people click the wrong one accidentally.

Anyway - no. No, no, no.

furbabymama87 · 10/10/2021 22:12

You deserve better than this.

KatherineJaneway · 10/10/2021 22:14

I'd run like the wind

Constellationstation · 10/10/2021 22:14

No

Hummmph · 10/10/2021 22:15

My ex was like that with two previous exes. Their casual sex when single and way too frequent contact/ staying over alone etc was one of the main reasons I dumped his arse. Caused too many arguments.

user1473878824 · 10/10/2021 22:16

You went through his phone?!?!

Moretodo · 10/10/2021 22:17

Leave now.
You deserve more than this.
He is in a relationship with her.
Even though they say they are not together, she is parked in the relationship space.

WellLarDeDar · 10/10/2021 22:17

Don't go there. Run away!

Skysblue · 10/10/2021 22:18

I wouldn’t choose to start a relationship with someone who was still that into their ex.

But I also wouldn’t start a relationship with someone who went through my phone messages while my back was turned. That to me is way more of a red flag.

hereforfun · 10/10/2021 22:18

He's obviously not ready for a new relationship if that's how they're communicating.
Best to leave this one alone

Coronado2 · 10/10/2021 22:18

No, I wouldn't, but I also wouldn't put up with being in a relationship with someone who read my messages, particularly as it sounds like it's early on for you.

RedHelenB · 10/10/2021 22:18

I would break up with you as a new partner nosying through my phone. Hat on earth were you thinking? Yabvu and abused his trust.

Pollaidh · 10/10/2021 22:18

Normally I'm all for people being good friends with exes, I certainly am and can spend hours on the phone/meet up and stay overnight etc with full permission of DH, and if you looked in my phone you'd find hundreds of messages back and forth. But the messages certainly wouldn't look like those on your date's phone!

There are boundaries! Given how recently they broke up, and what he's been saying about finding her attractive, only one who understands etc, I'd be very concerned he's not over her. With my exes when we comment on appearance it's more matey - pointing out greying hairs or a receding hair line etc.

Saucy99 · 10/10/2021 22:20

Yea let this one go for his sake. He doesn't deserve someone who Snoops through his personal things.

Blossomtoes · 10/10/2021 22:21

@Coronado2

No, I wouldn't, but I also wouldn't put up with being in a relationship with someone who read my messages, particularly as it sounds like it's early on for you.
Nor me. We’ve been married for 23 years and wouldn’t dream of looking at each others’ phones. Looks like you’ve both had a lucky escape.
SisterAgatha · 10/10/2021 22:22

I do have a male friend (not an ex) who I have messages like that from - but not the beautiful comments. That’s the part that was the most dodgy to me. My friend would say he misses me, and I do say I miss him… but if he called me beautiful I’d be Confused quite sick.

It’s tipped over from friends.

MrsHastingslikethebattle · 10/10/2021 22:28

Wow she looked through his messages, big deal!

She had a gut instinct about it.

I just cant believe your asking for advice OP when clearly you know or should know what to do.

He should not be sending messages like that to an ex. His clearly not over. Drop a text and tell him it's not working and dont speak to him again. It will hurt now but worse in the long run.

saraclara · 10/10/2021 22:29

@user1473878824

You went through his phone?!?!
...and yet the majority of posters are ignoring that.

I'd be telling the guy to run.

toocold54 · 10/10/2021 22:35

You’ve not slept together yet but you’ve already been through his phone, are suspicious of him sleeping with his ex and he’s overly close with her which may mean they’re really good friends or having feelings for each other.

Honestly this relationship is already dead so just end it now.

BurntO · 10/10/2021 22:40

Looking through someone’s phone isn’t the crime of the century. I’ve only ever known rational people do this when their gut is telling them something else is up.

Leave op, far too much hassle to unpick for a new relationship

TwinsandTrifle · 10/10/2021 22:48

Looking through someone’s phone isn’t the crime of the century. I’ve only ever known rational people do this when their gut is telling them something else is up.

Yep. I never have. But I would, if I felt enough other stuff was pointing me towards certain disloyalty. And I think the fact that when someone does look, 99% of the time they find exactly what they were suspicious of, completely blows the "you went through my phone" highground.