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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you put up with a guy who had this kind of “friendship” with his ex

71 replies

Chloeee2001 · 10/10/2021 22:04

really nice man, really polite and generally interesting, good looking etc. He’s a few years younger than me but seems very mature.

We’ve not slept together yet. Today I was with him in training and his phone kept vibrating next to him... continually for about 20 minutes. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the name (obviously not real) “Amber” which I know is his ex girlfriends name.

When we went out for a coffee after curiosity got the better of me when he passed me his phone to pay for the coffees whilst he went the toilet. I scrolled through HUNDREDS of messages him and his ex had been sending each other since early this year. They broke up in 2019.

They even met up last week and she said she was sorry she didn’t stay but she had work the next day (she lives quite a bit away from us. 3 hours or so). So he’d obviously asked her to stay over at his?

Some of the messages say things like “don’t be silly your beautiful, I’ve always found you attractive” (from him), stuff like “your the only one I can talk to like this” (from him) and “I’ve missed you so much it was so good to see you” (from her)

Call logs of 4 hour phone calls.

I mentioned in passing whether he was still in contact with his ex, he said yeah they’re “friends”.

I believe him that they’ve not been sleeping together... but who acts this way with an ex?

OP posts:
WomanStanleyWoman · 10/10/2021 22:55

Wow she looked through his messages, big deal! She had a gut instinct about it.

‘Gut instinct’ is usually a convenient excuse in cases such as this.

That said, I’d still ditch him.

RedHelenB · 10/10/2021 22:57

@WomanStanleyWoman

Wow she looked through his messages, big deal! She had a gut instinct about it.

‘Gut instinct’ is usually a convenient excuse in cases such as this.

That said, I’d still ditch him.

A relative stranger looking through your phone? Massive lack of boundaries, he trusted OP with his phone to pay and she decided to snoop.
CrystalBird · 10/10/2021 23:03

Well, at this point in this man has done absolutely nothing wrong.

He's casually dating the op. They've not slept together. It's been a couple of dates / weeks

Why the bloody hell shouldn't he be texting who he likes in any manner he likes? Can we imagine for a second if a man was to post this?

Fair enough if the relationship had progressed etc but right now, it's a few dates with no sex and I see no reason why either party shouldn't be doing what ever they feel like as things stand

BurntO · 10/10/2021 23:05

@CrystalBird who the hell wants to waste their time progressing in a relationship with someone hung up on their ex? Better OP leaves not now, why is it less problematic if she does it once they have slept together!? No thank you .

CrystalBird · 10/10/2021 23:05

And just how long was he in the toilet for? I'd be contemplating prostate issues as you seem to have had time to check call logs and scroll through hundreds of messages, right back to where they began ...

CrystalBird · 10/10/2021 23:07

@BurntO I disagree. Should people dating have to tie up all loose ends and stop messaging anyone of the opposite sex just in case?

I fail to see what he's done wrong at this point. Now, if sex comes into it, along with a chat about where the relationship may be heading, this is a different scenario.

A few dates? No. I'd be telling her to get lost if I knew she'd gone through my phone

BurntO · 10/10/2021 23:10

Going on dates while telling his ex she was beautiful and having his phone constantly going off from her messages? While on a date!? Not cool and a total waste of OPs time IMO. Who needs that kind of baggage.

Postdatedpandemic · 10/10/2021 23:10

@Chloeee2001 does this man know he is in a relationship with you?

Does he just view you as a work colleague?

Crunchymum · 10/10/2021 23:11

So he gave you his unlocked phone? And you managed to unearth several years of messages whilst he was taking a piss?

Aye alright lass.

Viviennemary · 10/10/2021 23:13

More like he needs to run away from a Snooper like you. How awful.

saraclara · 10/10/2021 23:13

Looking through someone’s phone isn’t the crime of the century

And if some guy you'd only met a few times went through your phone messages and call logs while you were in the toilet, you'd think that's okay?

lilmishap · 10/10/2021 23:13

No 'gut feeling' was mentioned OP admits she was 'curious' because she saw his exes name on ONE phone call.

FlyingCircus93 · 11/10/2021 00:21

Thankyou, next.

Pythonista · 11/10/2021 00:39

You scrolled through his phone????

He needs to run for the hills. Regardless of his relationship with his ex, you have crossed a line. Unless of course you would be fine with him nosing through your phone?

Stompythedinosaur · 11/10/2021 00:41

I came on to say that it is fine to be friends with an ex, but what you've described is not OK as it sounds like they are some sort of emotional relationship.

Pythonista · 11/10/2021 00:58

Only on MN would it be fine to snoop through someone's phone in any circumstances but when they haven't even shagged?

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 11/10/2021 01:01

@stayathomer

Oh it's not good that you checked, sorry but ... aside from that, no, there's history or a possible future there and if you checked and are asking you'll never trust him anyway!
Actually, it's incredibly good that she did. Now she can dump the guy who is in love with another woman and not be another of thousands or millions in the world who waste their lives with a man (or woman) who is just waiting for "the one that got away".
Blossomtoes · 11/10/2021 01:15

@BurntO

Going on dates while telling his ex she was beautiful and having his phone constantly going off from her messages? While on a date!? Not cool and a total waste of OPs time IMO. Who needs that kind of baggage.
They weren’t on a date.
Marvellousmadness · 11/10/2021 01:15

A friendship with an ex could be fine
But whatever he has with his ex: ain't no friendship....

Also the fact that you felt the need to go through his messages and call log... well.that should tell you enough about where this is going ...

starrynight21 · 11/10/2021 01:58

@BurntO

Looking through someone’s phone isn’t the crime of the century. I’ve only ever known rational people do this when their gut is telling them something else is up.

Leave op, far too much hassle to unpick for a new relationship

I agree. I've been married for years, but if a woman was constantly ringing my DH I'd be going through his phone with no guilt whatsoever. Sometimes you do what you've got to do, so you know what's going on.
Baileyscheesecake · 11/10/2021 02:12

@SleepingBunnies21. I voted YABU for the reasons that she went through his phone and she can’t control whether he stays in touch with his ex. Yes of course she can and probably should end her relationship with him and not get any further involved with him but that is her choice and doesn’t mean she’s not being unreasonable to expect different behaviour from him. He’s not lying to her or trying to hide anything from her. He’s the one whose trust has been betrayed when he let her use his phone to pay for the coffee so yes she is being unreasonable.

MsDogLady · 11/10/2021 03:02

4 hour calls, Hundreds of messages, Complements, You’re the only one…, Loved seeing you, Been missing you so much, Invitation to stay over.

Chloe, don’t waste your time/energy on this man who is having an Emotional Affair with his Ex. Distance yourself and leave them to it.

QueenBee52 · 11/10/2021 03:06

@MsDogLady

4 hour calls, Hundreds of messages, Complements, You’re the only one…, Loved seeing you, Been missing you so much, Invitation to stay over.

Chloe, don’t waste your time/energy on this man who is having an Emotional Affair with his Ex. Distance yourself and leave them to it.

Agreed 🌸

terrifa · 11/10/2021 03:06

@RedHelenB

I would break up with you as a new partner nosying through my phone. Hat on earth were you thinking? Yabvu and abused his trust.
This
PurpleFlower1983 · 11/10/2021 03:10

He’s not over her OP, time to move on.