Would you put up with a guy who had this kind of “friendship” with his ex

[Chloeee2001]

really nice man, really polite and generally interesting, good looking etc. He’s a few years younger than me but seems very mature.

We’ve not slept together yet. Today I was with him in training and his phone kept vibrating next to him... continually for about 20 minutes. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the name (obviously not real) “Amber” which I know is his ex girlfriends name.

When we went out for a coffee after curiosity got the better of me when he passed me his phone to pay for the coffees whilst he went the toilet. I scrolled through HUNDREDS of messages him and his ex had been sending each other since early this year. They broke up in 2019.

They even met up last week and she said she was sorry she didn’t stay but she had work the next day (she lives quite a bit away from us. 3 hours or so). So he’d obviously asked her to stay over at his?

Some of the messages say things like “don’t be silly your beautiful, I’ve always found you attractive” (from him), stuff like “your the only one I can talk to like this” (from him) and “I’ve missed you so much it was so good to see you” (from her)

Call logs of 4 hour phone calls.

I mentioned in passing whether he was still in contact with his ex, he said yeah they’re “friends”.

I believe him that they’ve not been sleeping together... but who acts this way with an ex?

I would finish it as she will always be in the picture and he will continue to deny it. Make out you are insecure etc..you were right to look at his phone as now you know and can walk away. You don't even have to give him an explanation. Save yourself the heartache. All those texts and long phone calls, sod that let the pair off.

Cool story, bro.

Time to move on.

I couldn't ever forgive someone who went through my phone OP.
That aside their relationship is unfinished business so take your nosy head well away for your own sake.

Your invasion of privacy would be a red line issue for me.

@user1473878824

You went through his phone?!?!

@user1473878824

It's a good job she did!!!

Oh I wouldn't worry personally.
He's not trying to hide anything.
I'm afraid I have no time for being over-possessive/ jealous.

Don't get invested in him. I dated a guy who was exactly the same as this and when I made a new male friend through work, he went ballistic saying I was cheating on him. I wasn't. But it was okay for him to go to his ex for dinner, to chat to for hours, to ask her for advice on our relationship. That wasn't cheating. And neither was he cheating with his very close female friend that he was allowed to have when I couldn't have a male friend. We were mid 40s at the time. I got bored with his drama very quickly, his phone constantly buzzing, overhearing him say 'I love you' to his ex. So he is now an ex and my male friend is still a friend even though we got made redundant from the place we worked together at four years ago!

Op had good reason to look through his phone....would you all rather she stayed in a relationship with this charmer?

He's not over his relationship. You've got boundary issues. Both of you should stay single.

Who the fk voted 33% yabu? the OP has barely started seeing him, not even slept together yet, and already she’s scrolling through his messages?

And no, “people look through someone’s phone when their gut tells them something is off” is a load of crap. Especially in a situation where you’re probably not even officially in a relationship yet.

So for that reason I am one who voted YABU. I would run a mile if I were him.

Fucking hell - just seen you checked his call logs as well. Do him a favour and split

Op had good reason to look through his phone....would you all rather she stayed in a relationship with this charmer? they’re not in a relationship. They’ve barely started seeing each other.

Even in an established relationship it’s questionable, but in a situation where you’ve been out for a few dates who he is still friends with is his business. Hell a lot of people still go on the dating sites they were on early into dating.

Someone invading someone else’s privacy and scrolling through messages which are none of their business is far more of an issue than someone who has a friendship with an ex while they’re essentially just dipping their toe into the water of a potential relationship which doesn’t actually exist yet.

OP may not wish to keep seeing him, but she is the problem here.

Friendship - yes
Relationship - no
Sounds like an emotional affair is going on.

It's a no for the sheer fact there is zero trust from you. It's not normal to go through anyone else's phone to snoop and know to the minute how long someone had been talking to someone else.

You sound unhinged.

@Standrewsschool

Friendship - yes Relationship - no Sounds like an emotional affair is going on.

Except it isn't an affair. The OP has been on a few dates with him. Most people are still keeping their options open at this point

@Crunchymum

So he gave you his unlocked phone? And you managed to unearth several years of messages whilst he was taking a piss?

Aye alright lass.

Yes this is what I though

You had no right to go through his phone but from what you found out, I wouldn’t waste anymore time on someone who’s still very much tangled up with his ex. Out of interest, did he mention you to her at all?

He may well not be over her, but that doesn't excuse your massive invasion of privacy. I mean he obviously trusted you enough to leave his phone on the table and you betrayed that trust.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who had this relationship with their ex, but it was so inappropriate of you to go through his phone. That was a huge invasion of privacy.