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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pottery Hand Prints without Me

57 replies

Matwood · 10/10/2021 21:47

I'm about to go back to work after maternity leave and I'm quite anxious about it so I realise I'm prone to being oversensitive at the moment. However, this incident upset me and I'm trying to work out if I'm being unreasonable/irrational about it.

DP wanted to get pottery hand prints made using the hands of DSS and DS. However, when we got to the shop to do it my partner said he was thinking perhaps it made more sense to wait until we'd had another (final) child. I said we could always just have it done again if/when we have another child (we plan to start TTC again next year, but I don't want to count my chickens).

DP then said he'd have it done with his hand, DSS's hand, and DS's hand. I felt a bit taken aback that I wasn't being included but to be fair it wasn't my idea, and I wasn't paying for it, so at the time I didn't say anything and helped him choose colours for the glaze.

In hindsight I feel the man who took the prints was looking at me strangely as if he felt it was rather odd but that could be my imagination.

It was only as we left the shop that I started to feel really quite tearful and as if I was being excluded from the family - almost as if my only purpose was to produce children. I made a joke that I'd better have a daughter and get my hand print done with her, but it was one if those jokes where you're trying to make light of something that's actually troubled you.

AIBU to feel upset by this? I know I need to just bloody talk to him but trying to gain some rational perspective first!

OP posts:
idontlikealdi · 10/10/2021 21:50

It's odd, sorry.

Cocomarine · 10/10/2021 21:51

I can see his possible logic - this isn’t the final family one, so it should be something different. What’s different? Oh - let’s do a “boys” one. You were right there and didn’t say no, so I don’t think he did anything wrong.

You might not have another child - tell him you want a family one too.

TulipsTwoLips · 10/10/2021 21:53

Wouldn’t bother me at all

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/10/2021 21:53

This is your own family. I dont get why you wouldnt just ask to be in it at the time?

TulipsTwoLips · 10/10/2021 21:53

I agree with cocomarine

PurpleDaisies · 10/10/2021 21:54

It’s a bit weird but it seems like a strange spur of the moment quirky logic fail rather than anything sinister.

3luckystars · 10/10/2021 21:55

Ring them and cancel it.
Get one done with all of your hands, that is completely thoughtless. Ask your husband to pay for the new one as a return to work gift.

PurpleDaisies · 10/10/2021 21:56

I don’t get why you just didn’t say you were all going to be in it.

3luckystars · 10/10/2021 21:56

CANCEL THE KILN

Cocomarine · 10/10/2021 21:57

@3luckystars

Ring them and cancel it. Get one done with all of your hands, that is completely thoughtless. Ask your husband to pay for the new one as a return to work gift.
She can’t cancel it Confused aside from the glazing, which still has almost certainly been done, they’ve already used the materials and time in the shop!
ShaneTheThird · 10/10/2021 21:57

It's a none issue in my opinion. You could go and get your own done with Ds and then do a whole family one if you have more DC. I think it's quiet nice a boys only print. I have a huge photo on my living room wall of dss, dp, dps dad and grandpa. It's just a line of the men in the family, no women included.

PurpleDaisies · 10/10/2021 21:58

@3luckystars

Ring them and cancel it. Get one done with all of your hands, that is completely thoughtless. Ask your husband to pay for the new one as a return to work gift.
You can’t cancel it. It’s been done already.

How do you think this would actually work?

ShirleyPhallus · 10/10/2021 21:59

@3luckystars

CANCEL THE KILN
Grin
3luckystars · 10/10/2021 22:02

Well her husband has already paid for it, but they need to get a new one instead now as it was a mistake. She can cancel it if it has not been put in the kiln, it might not cost a lot to put it right.

RedHelenB · 10/10/2021 22:02

I think yabu, I'm sure if you say you want one all 4 of you your dp would oblige? If he won't then yes, yanbu. Mum's tend to be they beneficiaries of most of the handprint stuff from kids nursery/ pre school ime.

hellothere007 · 10/10/2021 22:03

Of all the issues you could possibly have, this isn’t one.

SudokuWillNotSaveYou · 10/10/2021 22:06

OP, this is truly odd. I don’t get it. An entire family goes in to get a handprint thing made. But the mother of the family doesn’t put her handprint on it? Is there some backstory like he’s going to give it as a gift to a MIL who dislikes you? Because otherwise, yes, I would find it quite bizarre. It would be the equivalent of going in with you, DP, and three children, and excluding one child from it. It’s like excluding someone from family pictures because you don’t think they’ll be with the family (relationship break-up) in 10 years. Is your relationship solid? I don’t think you’re being too sensitive.

Though I did laugh at “cancel the kiln.” I do hope that at least brought a smile to your face if you’re feeling crap about this.

Doomscrolling · 10/10/2021 22:07

He’s done a print of himself and his sons. That’s perfectly fine. Wanting one of you and DS is also fine and you can do one any time you fancy.

You’re definitely overreacting to feel tearful about it, but that’s all part of the tumultuous experience. It will pass.

BootsMcToots · 10/10/2021 22:08

The waiting just in case you have another baby is unnecessary. There is isn’t a rule of one clay handprint per lifetime.

It is weird that he just steamed ahead adding himself to the handprint activity but not you. It should have either just been the dc or it should have been all four of you. Not three out of four.

Cocomarine · 10/10/2021 22:08

@3luckystars

Well her husband has already paid for it, but they need to get a new one instead now as it was a mistake. She can cancel it if it has not been put in the kiln, it might not cost a lot to put it right.
How can they put it right and not lose the materials and time cost? The person’s time has already been taken. The clay will harden before it’s put in the kiln. The layout of the hands will have been done based on 3, there won’t be a space to add another!

I agree they can pay for another - but they can’t cancel this one!

Freddiefox · 10/10/2021 22:13

Op just get one done with you and your ds. But I do think it’s strange that you didn’t speak out at the time. If you objected to it, it’s fine but to get upset and not mention it I find that just as strange as excluding your dw.

3luckystars · 10/10/2021 22:16

Even if the clay is hardened it can be reused, so long as it hasn’t been fired. Any person I know that works with clay is not in it for money and just wants a happy customer. Sometimes things get smashed in the heat of the oven and have to be redone, so doing a new one won’t cost the earth. Maybe cancel was the wrong word. I just thought it it is not sitting right with her, then it can be put right before it’s put into the kiln.
Sorry if my post is poorly worded.

Milkbottlelegs · 10/10/2021 22:16

Wouldn’t even cross my mind to have got the parents prints done along with the kids. Is that a thing?

DoNotGetADog · 10/10/2021 22:17

Maybe (I’m just guessing) your DH (or his ex) wouldn’t like the idea of your DSS having his handprint with you as you’re not his Mum?
On the one he has had done it is him and he’s the father of the two children, so maybe that’s how he wanted it?

I’m not saying that’s an appropriate thing to think, it’s just an idea.

You’re not unreasonable to be upset by it though, I don’t think.

Coffeey · 10/10/2021 22:18

@Cocomarine

I can see his possible logic - this isn’t the final family one, so it should be something different. What’s different? Oh - let’s do a “boys” one. You were right there and didn’t say no, so I don’t think he did anything wrong.

You might not have another child - tell him you want a family one too.

Yeah I think he probably just went eek and panicked. You should have just done one with all of you. You could easily have arranged another one if you did have another child.