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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pottery Hand Prints without Me

57 replies

Matwood · 10/10/2021 21:47

I'm about to go back to work after maternity leave and I'm quite anxious about it so I realise I'm prone to being oversensitive at the moment. However, this incident upset me and I'm trying to work out if I'm being unreasonable/irrational about it.

DP wanted to get pottery hand prints made using the hands of DSS and DS. However, when we got to the shop to do it my partner said he was thinking perhaps it made more sense to wait until we'd had another (final) child. I said we could always just have it done again if/when we have another child (we plan to start TTC again next year, but I don't want to count my chickens).

DP then said he'd have it done with his hand, DSS's hand, and DS's hand. I felt a bit taken aback that I wasn't being included but to be fair it wasn't my idea, and I wasn't paying for it, so at the time I didn't say anything and helped him choose colours for the glaze.

In hindsight I feel the man who took the prints was looking at me strangely as if he felt it was rather odd but that could be my imagination.

It was only as we left the shop that I started to feel really quite tearful and as if I was being excluded from the family - almost as if my only purpose was to produce children. I made a joke that I'd better have a daughter and get my hand print done with her, but it was one if those jokes where you're trying to make light of something that's actually troubled you.

AIBU to feel upset by this? I know I need to just bloody talk to him but trying to gain some rational perspective first!

OP posts:
Original poster
Matwood · 10/10/2021 22:19

Yes I definitely should have said something at the time! Really kicking myself. I was just getting conscious that we were taking up the artist's time and he said a few times 'well I was given to understand the print would be of the two boys and I've prepared the clay' (I think he thought my partner was chatting cancelling altogether and wanted to make sure he realised the cost of materials was already a factor) and there didn't look like there was enough room on the slab for four hands. But better to have said something there and then rather than be dwelling on it now. I'm just trying to decide if I just chalk it up to my being far too passive and learn my lesson for the future and let go of any ill-feeling about it all, or if it's worth saying something about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Matwood · 10/10/2021 22:20

I appreciate everyone's comments by the way.

OP posts:
Mondaynightnamechange · 10/10/2021 22:24

I think as it was him and his son’s I think it’s fine, I have ‘my boys’ that have different Dad’s and it’s not guaranteed I will always be with the young estate one’s Dad, but they will always be my boys.

Cocomarine · 10/10/2021 22:26

@Matwood

Yes I definitely should have said something at the time! Really kicking myself. I was just getting conscious that we were taking up the artist's time and he said a few times 'well I was given to understand the print would be of the two boys and I've prepared the clay' (I think he thought my partner was chatting cancelling altogether and wanted to make sure he realised the cost of materials was already a factor) and there didn't look like there was enough room on the slab for four hands. But better to have said something there and then rather than be dwelling on it now. I'm just trying to decide if I just chalk it up to my being far too passive and learn my lesson for the future and let go of any ill-feeling about it all, or if it's worth saying something about it.
Are you going to dwell on it? Have you any reason to think he’d be an arsehole about it?

Why didn’t the conversation go:

  • I should have said yesterday but you know, I really wanted that clay to be all of us, not just you 3
  • oh honey, I’m sorry - I just thought it’d be nice to have “me and my boys” - let’s go back and do a second then

Leaving you nothing to dwell on.

Coffeey · 10/10/2021 22:26

@DoNotGetADog

Maybe (I’m just guessing) your DH (or his ex) wouldn’t like the idea of your DSS having his handprint with you as you’re not his Mum? On the one he has had done it is him and he’s the father of the two children, so maybe that’s how he wanted it?

I’m not saying that’s an appropriate thing to think, it’s just an idea.

You’re not unreasonable to be upset by it though, I don’t think.

Ah yeah this is another good insight into his possible thought process
Brollywasntneededafterall · 10/10/2021 22:28

Maybe he just saw it as having a moment of 'togetherness' with both his ds's?

Coffeey · 10/10/2021 22:28

I'm just trying to decide if I just chalk it up to my being far too passive and learn my lesson for the future and let go of any ill-feeling about it all go with this. But if you want one with you and your child then go for it.

Bollindger · 10/10/2021 22:30

You can always go back and get something done, this isn't the end of the world, you can redo it.
Sometimes something seems so much more important than it is.
So long as your not in an abusive relationship, I think he just went with it, maybe the Artist was pushing to get it done, and so your DH wasn't trying to hurt you.

Nightbringer · 10/10/2021 22:31

As this involved your dss he went for just him and them. As pp said, it could cause issues with the child's mum. Or maybe it felt strange to have it all together when both kids aren't yours.

My dp isn't my kids dad and there's definitely stuff I want to do, that's just me and my kids. Dp is gaurenteed to be in their life forever, though I hope he is.

YoungGiftedPlump · 10/10/2021 22:34

Is it going to be a gift to you?

UppityDownitty · 10/10/2021 22:34

What is this clay hand print thing? I’ve not heard of it but it sounds like a right of passage or laden with some ritual that seems to have passed me by.

I’m feeling really bad now that in 10 years of parenting I haven’t done something with my own kids hands and clay- have I had a total parenting fail? Have I missed out on a seminal moment that I was totally unaware of Sad

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 10/10/2021 22:36

Aw that is a shame. I wish you'd put your hand on too!
Could you do something different with the four of you, or even just you and the boys? Painted hand and feet prints or something?
Although I'd be inclined to go back and get all of you done again :)

Leftphalange · 10/10/2021 22:37

I think he wanted one done of him with his 2 sons.

You need to explain to him you want a family one.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 10/10/2021 22:40

@UppityDownitty I think you immerse your hands into a mould and then clay is poured on and glazed and fired and you have a ornament of you all holding hands.

I've never done it but it does sound sweet.
When I was little my grandad got me and my brother and cousin to put out hands in freshly made cement he had poured Inbetween slabs for a path. Then we decorated around our hand prints with marbles.

It's cute to go back and check your hand and measure against it.
It's not a parenting fail at all, it's just doing different stuff. And if you did want to do something, you still can!

ThinWomansBrain · 10/10/2021 22:41

when you get it, paint your hand with poster paint and splodge it on top? Grin

LowlyTheWorm · 10/10/2021 22:47

You’re not DSSs mum. He’s both boys’ dad so it is fine.
I think yabu to be honest. I’d be pissed off if my ex had a new baby and He and his wife did a family handprint think with my child.
My children are mine and my ex’s and not him and his new wife’s.

timeisnotaline · 10/10/2021 22:47

I have to ask all the usual questions for context. Is money suitably shared? You will be sharing the parenting load, cooking etc when you’re back at work? You won’t be paying for all the childcare out of your salary? Or all of ds’ clothes either? Just because this is such thoughtless behaviour from him. After telling him how left out I felt I’d go back and get my and ds handprint and take some photos to remember us. Will feel a bit bitter now but in years to come you will be glad you have it :)

Coffeey · 10/10/2021 22:50

@LowlyTheWorm

You’re not DSSs mum. He’s both boys’ dad so it is fine. I think yabu to be honest. I’d be pissed off if my ex had a new baby and He and his wife did a family handprint think with my child. My children are mine and my ex’s and not him and his new wife’s.
You wouldn't want them to feel like family? If they had one both parents and the new baby and left your child out wouldn't that be a worse thing to have on display in their house?
BiLuminous · 10/10/2021 22:57

Is this about the pottery or is it about some underlying feelings you have about being a stepmum?

KingdomScrolls · 10/10/2021 23:05

This has just made me realise I got a painting and a card with a chocolate attached made by DS at nursery for mother's Day and DH didn't get anything for father's Day. I don't expect anything at all but odd they'd do one and not the other, there's no confusion about our situation DH drops him off and I usually pick him up, if we're both off or home from work early we both pick him up. So you'll probably get more stuff from school etc.
I don't think this has been done maliciously and maybe with you saying you wanted to wait he just misunderstood and thought you didn't want to do it.

GreyhoundG1rl · 10/10/2021 23:06

I think it's odder that your dh decided to get in on it himself in the first place!
Isn't it the point of handprints/footprints that they're of still growing children at a particular moment in time?

Possibly to be done several times at various ages and oohed and aahed over at how much they've grown?
Your dh is presumably already fully grown.
.

floss1 · 11/10/2021 00:33

You could always accidentally knock it off the shelf when tidying up?!
I think going back to work is really hard!
Let this go and ensure you’re included next time. Smile

timeisnotaline · 11/10/2021 00:51

@KingdomScrolls

This has just made me realise I got a painting and a card with a chocolate attached made by DS at nursery for mother's Day and DH didn't get anything for father's Day. I don't expect anything at all but odd they'd do one and not the other, there's no confusion about our situation DH drops him off and I usually pick him up, if we're both off or home from work early we both pick him up. So you'll probably get more stuff from school etc. I don't think this has been done maliciously and maybe with you saying you wanted to wait he just misunderstood and thought you didn't want to do it.
The partner said he wanted to wait, not the op! She said we can do another one with next baby too, went along to the place and then got to stand by and watch him create his family memory without her… it’s pretty thoughtless. You have to talk to him op or it will bottle up, and you know you’re not ok having a repeat performance with another baby and you left out again!
HeddaGarbled · 11/10/2021 01:05

They’ll be shoved in the back of a cupboard in a couple of years and you’ll have forgotten all about it.

TuftyMarmoset · 11/10/2021 01:16

It’s more weird that your DH had his hand done than that you didn’t tbh, it’s a kids thing!

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