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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So petty. So so petty. (Me, I mean)

67 replies

PuertoPollensa · 10/10/2021 15:50

I know I am being extremely petty and this happened a while ago which makes it even more petty to think about it now but here goes:

My DHs family were clubbing together to buy a present for his sister. Spa day experience or something, I can't remember.
We were at his brother's house as we discussed it. Present were me, DH, FIL, BIL 1, BIL 2 and BIL 2's girlfriend, now wife.
So I said "right, the cost is £200 divided by the 6 of us is £35 each (or whatever it was)"

I was not being bossy, I just happened to be the one that looked it up.
BIL 2 said (snapped) " hang on, my GF shouldn't have to chip in".
I said " sorry, yes, right you are, total each is £200 divided by 5 = £40 each".
We agreed to transfer the money to whoever was putting the thing on their credit card.
Then the birthday card went around. And BIL 2's GF signed it!!
I said nothing but AIBU to think if you are making a point of not chipping in, then your name shouldn't go on the card the voucher will be in?!

OP posts:
ThePlantsitter · 10/10/2021 15:53

I dunno I suppose it depends if you paid separately and signed doesn't it? Wasn't it cost per couple or individual?

Original poster
PuertoPollensa · 10/10/2021 15:55

Individual.
My DH and I paid two shares.
BIL 1, BIL 2 and FIL paid one share. GF paid no share.

OP posts:
Mamamia7962 · 10/10/2021 15:56

Why did you not buy individual birthday cards, or is one card signed by everyone the norm in his family?

pelosi · 10/10/2021 15:56

Yanbu, cheeky to say she shouldn’t have to chip in and then include her name. Who put her name in?

RavingAnnie · 10/10/2021 15:57

I agree OP. If you don't chip in you don't sign as if you have.

You should have done separate cards and a card from the present givers with the voucher in.

WorraLiberty · 10/10/2021 15:58

@Mamamia7962

Why did you not buy individual birthday cards, or is one card signed by everyone the norm in his family?
That's what I was thinking. It sounds more like a place of work.

YANBU OP but I'm not sure I'd still be thinking about it now.

ThePlantsitter · 10/10/2021 15:58

Oh well yeah yanbu then. I wonder why you're thinking about it now though if it's so long ago you can't even remember what the present was?!

Scrollonthroughtherain · 10/10/2021 15:59

Well if other halves weren't being included then you shouldn't have had to pay either and it should have been split 4 ways.

Original poster
PuertoPollensa · 10/10/2021 15:59

It was one card because the voucher was going in the card. We probably all contacted her on her birthday individually. One card wouldn't necessarily be the norm but I think it prob said.
"Happy birthday, we hope you have a relaxing time in X Day Spa. Love A, B, C, etc"

The card went around the room with a pen. BIL 2 signed then passed the card to his GF, who signed it herself.

OP posts:
Original poster
PuertoPollensa · 10/10/2021 16:02

I genuinely don't think about it still! It literally just popped into my head for some reason and I went "oh yeah, that happened".

We all get on v well, I just thought of it. Maybe there was a thread on here recently about cards and presents (in an office setting)

OP posts:
Reallybadidea · 10/10/2021 16:03

I think it's a bit odd that you and your DH paid a share each tbh. In both my and DH's families, it would be one contribution per family unit. But we'd probably both sign the card because we're a couple.

Cantstopthewaves · 10/10/2021 16:03

I think it depends on if the gf is seen as being part of the family and how long she's been in a relationship with him.
5years then yes, she should pay her share.
5months then, no.

RJnomore1 · 10/10/2021 16:04

Yep petty but also absolutely correct -the thing is, can you find away to let go so it doesn’t annoy you forever?

ThePlantsitter · 10/10/2021 16:06

I don't see how you could have brought it up at the time without looking like a twat either to be honest. Maybe BIL was being all defensive of his gf for some reason (or didn't want her to think she was part of his family yet) but she didn't mind (or didn't want to buy a separate present)? Who knows.

Ponoka7 · 10/10/2021 16:06

So the birthday girl might think that you all paid £5 more for her present? This isn't worth headspace.

martingrowler · 10/10/2021 16:07

We'd do per household so split between you and your husband (1) bil (2) fil (3) and bil & gf (4)

RosieGuacamosie · 10/10/2021 16:07

We do presents from each “family” so any present I buy is from DP and me, surely that’s the norm?

Whoami4 · 10/10/2021 16:11

@ThePlantsitter

I don't see how you could have brought it up at the time without looking like a twat either to be honest. Maybe BIL was being all defensive of his gf for some reason (or didn't want her to think she was part of his family yet) but she didn't mind (or didn't want to buy a separate present)? Who knows.
I think the original post says this gf is now how wife though?
Tiramiwho · 10/10/2021 16:11

I completely get where you are coming from. I often have little moments long after an event when I think, "Hold on! What the actual...😠"
Yep, it would annoy me too! Have you vented off to your DH about it? I would have to if it was me.
YANBU.

poppy101010 · 10/10/2021 16:15

Has BIL been with his gf a long time time ? If she is fairly new to the family, I do think it's a little unfair to ask her to contribute to a gift for someone she hardly knows. However if she has been about for a while then yeah, she should have put her hand in her pocket.

As for signing the card - well if it was getting passed about with everyone present she might of thought that it would look rude to say no I'm not signing etc.

Tbh I think lives too short to get annoyed about these things. Best just to move on ☺️

Original poster
PuertoPollensa · 10/10/2021 16:16

I think BIL 2 was being kind to his GF in that she shouldn't have to pay. But wanted her do feel part of the family and thus she signed the card. They are now married so she was in for the long haul !

Yes, I think it's more he made me feel mean for including her in the present but if I had said " hang on, you can't sign the card" I would (obviously) have come across as a total dickhead.

Time for me to get over it Grin

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 10/10/2021 16:20

Don't chip in. Don't sign. Should be law IMHO

Holskey · 10/10/2021 16:20

No, I think you shouldn't have had to chip in. Surely you gift as a couple. I think the money should have been split between dh, bil, bil, fil and all of you should have signed the card.

Batshitkerazy · 10/10/2021 16:22

@Reallybadidea

I think it's a bit odd that you and your DH paid a share each tbh. In both my and DH's families, it would be one contribution per family unit. But we'd probably both sign the card because we're a couple.
Agreed!
pelosi · 10/10/2021 16:23

@PuertoPollensa

I think BIL 2 was being kind to his GF in that she shouldn't have to pay. But wanted her do feel part of the family and thus she signed the card. They are now married so she was in for the long haul !

Yes, I think it's more he made me feel mean for including her in the present but if I had said " hang on, you can't sign the card" I would (obviously) have come across as a total dickhead.

Time for me to get over it Grin

So you should have said if partners aren’t paying then split the £200 between 5.