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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So petty. So so petty. (Me, I mean)

67 replies

PuertoPollensa · 10/10/2021 15:50

I know I am being extremely petty and this happened a while ago which makes it even more petty to think about it now but here goes:

My DHs family were clubbing together to buy a present for his sister. Spa day experience or something, I can't remember.
We were at his brother's house as we discussed it. Present were me, DH, FIL, BIL 1, BIL 2 and BIL 2's girlfriend, now wife.
So I said "right, the cost is £200 divided by the 6 of us is £35 each (or whatever it was)"

I was not being bossy, I just happened to be the one that looked it up.
BIL 2 said (snapped) " hang on, my GF shouldn't have to chip in".
I said " sorry, yes, right you are, total each is £200 divided by 5 = £40 each".
We agreed to transfer the money to whoever was putting the thing on their credit card.
Then the birthday card went around. And BIL 2's GF signed it!!
I said nothing but AIBU to think if you are making a point of not chipping in, then your name shouldn't go on the card the voucher will be in?!

OP posts:
Original poster
PuertoPollensa · 10/10/2021 16:23

@Justcallmebebes when I rule the world I'll write it in the law book!

OP posts:
pelosi · 10/10/2021 16:23

I mean 4

Dojacatpaws · 10/10/2021 16:24

Yeah that's well out of order, seeing they made a fuss about it in the first place

TokyoTen · 10/10/2021 16:26

I think if the GF didn't contribute her name shouldn't be on the card. But honestly I couldn't get worked up about it. I think you need to work out why it bugs you and move on from it.

Learningtobeafeministagain · 10/10/2021 16:28

He sorts out a present for his sister. Why are you doing it? OR contributing.

Don't contribute don't sign.

pelosi · 10/10/2021 16:28

I’m guessing it’s the attitude of the BIL.

My BIL was the same with me, he would resent any suggestion from me. He is a sexist prick though.

Original poster
PuertoPollensa · 10/10/2021 16:30

@pelosi yes, probably more annoyed at BIL than anything else.

I wasn't necessarily sorting out a present for the sister. We were chatting over dinner, thought this would be nice, I had my phone handy and googled it. The organization was minimal. And I like my SILs (more than their husbands Grin )so I didn't mind contributing to the present

OP posts:
WombatChocolate · 10/10/2021 16:35

Live and learn.....and move on.

Next time, split according to households not individuals. Everyone in the household can sign (children included if there are any). Although people will object to this too....some households can afford more, some have only 1 adult in them etc etc)

Honestly, the thing about the card is petty. The receiver will have barely noticed or not noticed who signed it. Your issue is really about the splitting of the cost.....it's done now and you agreed. You can ask for a different arrangement next time if it comes up, or quite simply don't do joint gifts if this kind of thing bothers you....own card and gift, then you're in control.

girlmom21 · 10/10/2021 16:43

I think you should have split the cost 4 ways not 5 and that you are incredibly petty to pick and choose who signs the card.

She'd have looked like a knob if she hadn't signed the card.

ThePlantsitter · 10/10/2021 16:47

I think you should mention it now and get your SIL to chip in more next time, or chip in the same but not write in the card. OR you could not contribute to the next present but definitely sign the card? You will definitely look completely sane and reasonable if you suggest any of this.

Mammyloveswine · 10/10/2021 16:49

How long ago was this if they are now married???

Gwenhwyfar · 10/10/2021 16:53

@Reallybadidea

I think it's a bit odd that you and your DH paid a share each tbh. In both my and DH's families, it would be one contribution per family unit. But we'd probably both sign the card because we're a couple.
So the single members of the family have to pay twice as much as the married ones?
Original poster
PuertoPollensa · 10/10/2021 16:53

Grin I know I'm not being reasonable, I know I'm being so petty. I know everyone else has forgotten about it, and in fact never noted it in the first place.
I was just looking for agreement that

  1. I am totally unreasonable for thinking about it now
  2. however, if you aren't chipping in, you don't sign

I've got agreement on both points so that's a good Sunday's work!

OP posts:
CoRhona · 10/10/2021 16:59

Your set up is weird. You and DH are one entity, as is BIL and his GF Confused

Cindi85 · 10/10/2021 17:00

YANBU she shouldn't have signed if she didn't pay.

Owlink · 10/10/2021 17:04

I'd feel exactly the same. Mad isn't it what little things your brain holds on to! Hmm

HerRoyalRisesAgain · 10/10/2021 17:06

I'd feel the same way.

Chikapu · 10/10/2021 17:07

Didn't matter then certainly doesn't matter now. It's a name in a card, in the grand scheme of things it's nothing.

Bagamoyo1 · 10/10/2021 17:09

@Cantstopthewaves

I think it depends on if the gf is seen as being part of the family and how long she's been in a relationship with him. 5years then yes, she should pay her share. 5months then, no.
You’re missing the point. The question is not whether or not she should chip in. It’s whether or not she should sign the card (ie take credit for the present) having not chipped in. OP YANBU. Very cheeky.
ReeseWitherfork · 10/10/2021 17:10

I think it's weirder that you contributed. I think in my family it'd be the kids that chipped in and just natural to include partners in the card. I'd be miffed if I was expected to chip in for MIL present as well as DH.

Crinkle77 · 10/10/2021 17:11

So why wasn't the girlfriend contributing? How long have they been together? Did she buy her own present?

OchonAgusOchonOh · 10/10/2021 17:15

I think your bil was right in not expecting his gf to contribute but then, I also think it is unusual that you and your dh would contribute separately. I guess bil could have said "gf and you shouldn't have to contribute" but you had already effectively said you were contributing so he might have seen that as a bit pushy.

I think in normal circumstances, where people aren't related, then if you don't pay, you don't sign but if a couple make a contribution, then both can sign.

So I would have expected the cost to be divided by 4 and the card to be signed by all 6.

Howshouldibehave · 10/10/2021 17:15

I think it’s odd that you and DH each contributed.

I would have said that each sibling/adult whether they were in a couple or not, counted as a unit, and the card would be signed by everyone there

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 10/10/2021 17:16

OP, I salute your pettiness. I’m a big believer in holding grudges. I am 48, and still point out that the Year 10 History prize should have been mine.

pelosi · 10/10/2021 17:17

@OchonAgusOchonOh

I think your bil was right in not expecting his gf to contribute but then, I also think it is unusual that you and your dh would contribute separately. I guess bil could have said "gf and you shouldn't have to contribute" but you had already effectively said you were contributing so he might have seen that as a bit pushy.

I think in normal circumstances, where people aren't related, then if you don't pay, you don't sign but if a couple make a contribution, then both can sign.

So I would have expected the cost to be divided by 4 and the card to be signed by all 6.

Well he was pushy enough to snap at OP.

It suited him to have OP subsidise his share. The dickhead, I’d be annoyed looking at his smug face.

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