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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy a house with my partner whose still married?

274 replies

onedaymaybeone · 10/10/2021 09:17

Hi,

I would like some advice please. I'm divorced and have been renting since. I would like to buy a house but cannot raise enough mortgage to buy in the area I live in now and where DP go to school. I would be £35k short on the amount I need to buy in the area. I know I can afford the mortgage repayments as it would be half my rent but I don't earn enough in my own to get the full loan amount required.

My partner has offered to come in on a joint mortgage with me to make up the difference. We would be joint tenants and he would be paying no deposit and would 'own' a minimal percentage of the house. The reason being he is still paying for his previous property which he is not living in whilst he fights for custody of his daughter through court. Due to the complicated nature of the case he can't get divorced yet.

What are people's thoughts on doing this?

OP posts:
CheesecakeAddict · 10/10/2021 13:53

For comparison, when I was divorcing ex-h, he took over half his mum's house (alongside his sister). I wasn't entitled to the house but I was entitled to 60% (bigger than 50/50 split because I had custody if dd) of the worth of the house. If I hadn't have told my solicitor to take it out, they would have been forced to sell it even though his mum was paying all the mortgage on it still and lived there.

ElizaDarcysDeeds · 10/10/2021 13:57

No. Do not do this. Buy the house you can afford on your own or rent something in your name until his divorce settlement is finalised.
You don't want your home being counted as a marital asset. And if your partner is suggesting a way of investing that means it isn't a marital asset then you don't want to be complicit in defrauding his wife and child out of part of his wealth.

The fact he is even suggesting this would make me think long and hard about the relationship. It looks as though he is willing to put your investment and security at risk in the hope of keeping some of his income from his ex. Angry

wewereliars · 10/10/2021 13:59

@CBUK2K

You could visit a solicitor and:

Agree a formal loan agreement between the two of you.

Put a contract in place saying he owned x% of the value of the house, but put some reasonable safeguard in place that he couldn't demand it back.

" couldn't demand it back" that will never fly
Pbbananabagel · 10/10/2021 14:04

I’d ask a parent to go on the mortgage with you or give you a loan for the £35k before going anywhere near this idea.

InsanityOf2020 · 10/10/2021 14:10

Um, why cant he get divorced because of the custody battle? Just confused by that really

And no, dont tie yourself up financially in an unsecure relationship unless you ensure all potential pitfalls are covered if the relationship fails and you want out of the financial arrangement

Joint mortgages when you arent married can come back to bite you - i speak from experience

PetriDisher · 10/10/2021 14:24

Please see CheesecakeAddict. Get legal advice but I would very much expect that the answer would be that in going through with this arrangement, his wife would effectively own at least 12.5% of your new house.

Whether she could leverage that in such a way as to mean you may be forced to sell it at some point is a question mark but I think you would be absolutely mad to even risk giving her that control over the home of your children, particularly as it sounds like you believe she is intent on making things difficult (whether true or not).

Kk789 · 10/10/2021 14:28

Absolutely not.

Why can't he get a divorce?

SnowyQueen · 10/10/2021 14:42

How long have you been together? You can’t be in an established relationship if he is still married.

Saharafordessert · 10/10/2021 14:43

You honestly need proper legal advice but to echo exactly what pretty much everyone has said……you’d be bonkers to get so deeply financially involved with this man and his wife.

HappyDays101010 · 10/10/2021 14:59

No

HappyDays101010 · 10/10/2021 15:00

Add try and drum up 35K on credit cards or unsecured personal loans before I would pool my finances with somebody I wasn’t married to.

Wildheartsease · 10/10/2021 15:04

He could give you 35 000 as a present perhaps. How much does he trust you?

His wife has not agreed to the divorce. She still sees him as her husband ...and he is. They are still married. (You are the OW and have the rights you'd expect in this role - none.)

As pointed out above, any loan/ownership-agreement you enter into would be with him AND his wife (because they are still married and therefore own things -even debts- in common).

Are you sure you want this sort of entanglement? You did say that the diviorce might turn nasty.

This man is not free to make or to keep promises.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/10/2021 15:05

No, you have to wait until he’s divorced otherwise she has an interest

Marvellousmadness · 10/10/2021 15:21

Nope. And also: nope!

MayorGundersonsDogRufus · 10/10/2021 15:21

If this is something you are set on, would tenants in common not be a much more sensible option? Then at least your own investment and ownership is protected.

alwayswrighty · 10/10/2021 18:59

Again, just to clarify.

  1. You cannot get 35k loan or from credit cards for deposit because the monthly payments will be taken into account for affordability. On top of that most lenders won't accept the deposit.
  1. If BF could lend you money lenders will not agree if it is a loan and repayable
  1. You absolutely need independent legal advice and I'd be shocked if they didn't tell you to categorically NOT do this.

I know it makes your life easier short term, but if she does call on a percentage of his share of the property how would you pay it?

Kk789 · 10/10/2021 19:38

@HappyDays101010

No
Just this.
Newtoittoo · 10/10/2021 19:40

Absolutely not.

You could do some kind of formal loan agreement where he would loan the difference at X% interest.
You could repay that balance over a specified time and when you finally pay him off maybe have a house price appraisal as part of the loan deal so he is keeping up with the market and can still afford a deposit of his own. (Deed of trust?)
You can make whatever agreement you like - just don’t enter in to any kind of joint home ownership with a man who is married to someone else!!!!!

2bazookas · 10/10/2021 19:50

Hard to imagine how the child custody dispute prevents him getting divorced.

If /when he does get divorced, his wife and child will have some claim on his assets. So you really don't want any of his money to be tied up in your home; what if he had to sell the house to get his money back?

ZealAndArdour · 10/10/2021 19:55

YABU to consider buying a house with a DP who is still at school.

Horst · 10/10/2021 19:56

If you hadn’t of said you had children I would of thought you agree my friends separated husbands girlfriend.

They are buying a house together more fool then his putting in 20-30k. He has no intention of getting divorced at all that would admit he failed. She has no intention of divorcing him right this second and is in fact getting a close eye on this house purchase to bulster her keeping the entire marital home as well as going after his pension. This new house is worth more than the marital.

2bazookas · 10/10/2021 20:12

His wife refuses divorce. So they will still be married until the custody is resolved, PLUS however long it takes to divorce her; and if she goes abroad to a different legislation that might be a long and very expensive wait.

Two scenarios: Dp has to hire overseas lawyers to pursue divorce in his wife's country. Meanwhile he also has to support wife and child financially /maybe face the expense of foreign travel for shared custody . DP runs out of money and needs to sell the house he owns with you.

 If DP died  while still married  his wife and child have  legal claims on his  UK  estate and assets.   Risking the forced sale of the house to extract his share from it.

Just don't risk it.

AhNowTed · 11/10/2021 00:45

OP hasn't been back.

Another waste of time.

QueenBee52 · 11/10/2021 01:27

@AhNowTed

OP hasn't been back.

Another waste of time.

and She'll buy the house with Him 🙄

Gothichouse40 · 11/10/2021 01:33

Don't do it. You have absolutely no legal protection if anything goes wrong. He is not free.