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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To politely decline gifts that won’t be used?

99 replies

IcedCoffeeAlways · 08/10/2021 20:43

We have a family member that moved closer to us a few months ago and now visits us maybe 3ish times per month. We have a DS who is 11months and each time the family member visits she brings something for him.

The first couple of times it was small toys and I thanked her but politely told her that she really doesn’t need to bring something when she visits. Ive since been a bit more forward and asked her to please stop bringing things - but she won’t stop.

It’s not just toys though, a few weeks ago it was babygrows from John Lewis. DS is 11m and walking and hates having things on his feet in the house. He doesn’t even like his feet covered in bed. I told her this and said it was a lovely gesture but she really doesn’t need to buy him gifts and I asked if she was able to just return them as I knew they’d go to waste.
Today she arrived with dummies - 6 MAM dummies and 2 dummy clips. My DS doesn’t use dummies - he’s never been interested in them. I asked her to return them.

I could tell she was pretty offended today when I asked her to return them but I have no idea what else to do! I’d feel awful taking the things that I know are just going to sit in a drawer or be donated - I’d rather she got her money back for them. Am I being awful? I feel terrible to have offended her.

OP posts:

Caspianberg · 09/10/2021 06:09

Although I do ‘smile and donate’, it is annoying. I’m constantly having to sort out and drive bags of stuff to charity that weren’t useful to us at all ( wrong season/ size), and it takes up loads of time.

I’m not in the uk so ‘charity shops’ aren’t common, and it can only go Tuesday 4-6pm and Wednesday 10-2pm at a certain charity open house/ shelter 30mins drive away ( in the opposite direction of the shops). So if I’m busy working it can take months to get rid of it

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/10/2021 06:21

@Regularsizedrudy

Just accept the gifts for gods sake! Are you not British?

Oh yes, keep calm and carry on... 🙄

I find that such an offensive comment. Xenophobic.

Original poster

IcedCoffeeAlways · 09/10/2021 06:46

@Marvellousmadness happy to take any other suggestions! Accepting and donating really doesn’t sit well with me but I feel like I’ve exhausted most other options without really causing offence!

OP posts:

Original poster

IcedCoffeeAlways · 09/10/2021 06:51

@Caspianberg

@Caspianberg I’m the same way. I don’t drive and there are no charity shops in our little village. I’m 10 min walk to the train, 20 mins on the train each way then a 10 min walk home from our nearest one so it does actually take a bit of effort. I’ve given some to friends and my HV was able to take some bits when I was giving her all the nappies that had been bulk bought that DS had outgrown but I can’t load her up with stuff everytime she comes to my house 🤣

OP posts:

Eralos · 09/10/2021 07:14

Thank her and just regift/donate.

When I get something it’s not right for us it goes in the regift cupboard! Very handy!!

AllWaxedOut · 09/10/2021 07:17

Is she well OP? We have a relative who began constantly gifting small things and wouldn't take no for an answer. Now she gifts by the suitcase load (big 25k ones 🙈), but she has BPD.

It's quite common in people with mental health conditions apparently.

Caspianberg · 09/10/2021 07:24

Suggestions:

suggest books more as above
set a table outside your house on dry day with ‘free please take’, saves your lugging to charity.
suggest toddlers favourite snack to buy

Original poster

IcedCoffeeAlways · 09/10/2021 10:50

@AllWaxedOut Nothing like that going on - she’s very well 😊 I genuinely think she just likes buying him things. I just hate that it’s wasteful 😬

OP posts:

PeacefulDreams · 09/10/2021 10:54

My MIL drives me mad with the amount of crap she buys, I save a couple of bits to show when she comes round and then they mysteriously disappear and the rest gets binned, donated or sold. Any time we say anything it's ignored.

Thighdentitycrisis · 09/10/2021 10:58

“How kind of you to bring something, there’s really no need” every time

Mouk · 09/10/2021 11:02

Just say thank you and then either put them up on your local freecycle or donate to a refuge or charity shop.

Janaih · 09/10/2021 11:08

Christmas and birthday gifts I think is polite to smile, accept and donate or exchange.

But things you don't want or need every week? Put a stop to that, firmly if they are not getting the message.

LittleBearPad · 09/10/2021 13:07

@Wondergirl100

Why should the OP have to accept and go out of her way to donate? This woman is being thoughtless. It's completely weird to give a 1 year old a baby gro - and it's even wierder to give dummies - I would not even gift dummies to a newborn.

It’s really not that odd for 1 year olds to wear babygros to sleep in.

nokidshere · 09/10/2021 13:09

It's not really wasteful if you pass it on via a charity shop or someone you know though. Definitely not worth fussing about.

MilduraS · 09/10/2021 15:42

I'm with you OP. I had to ask my mum to stop buying gifts every couple of weeks. It wasn't just that they weren't needed, it was the obligation to continually find places to keep the gifts. I grew up in a cluttered house and my house isn't massive so could easily end up the same. If I had donated them the second after she'd left she would have asked where they were later. For those of you defending the family member... please stop giving unwanted gifts, please. The thought is sweet but the reality is a PITA for people who don't want them.

Caspianberg · 09/10/2021 16:03

@LittleBearPad - it’s not odd as such. But my 1 year old (17 months) has now been walking a long time and wears slippers indoors now cooler which are awkward in sleepsuits. So although I’m still squishing him into the ones he has, any new pjs I’m getting footless

TillyDevon · 09/10/2021 16:34

I find it hard not being listened to too, as presents feel quite thoughtless when feel more like clutter or it can become a burden to accept them politely Repeatedly .
I would always want someone close to be able to say something but don’t get it when they just don’t want to listen. I have one friend who gives me her unwanted ‘stuff’ that I repeatedly don’t want, and a SIL who is just lovely but won’t hear me that I don’t want presents (it makes me feel bad they go to the charity shop every year as not things I need and I’d prefer to save everyone the effort even if appreciate the kindness intended)

Slightly different but Another friend gave me all her out of date food she didn’t want to throw away when moved house

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/10/2021 16:40

I think you’re right to decline. You’ve made it pretty clear these things aren’t wanted, they can’t expect to foist a load of stuff on you and make it your problem to pass on/ donate.

therespectablecardigan · 09/10/2021 16:48

It's annoying but I'm very much in the smile and donate camp. I have a relative who buys bonkers gifts, things like CBeebies magazines for ds20 and last time dd18 got a toy stethoscope 😂 We just accept, thank and chuck it into the charity shop pile, it's no big deal.

ChamberofSecrets69 · 09/10/2021 16:49

@Bluntness100

Personally I’d find this incredibly rude, just say thanks and donate to charity, is it your mother or sister in law?

Your username is very recognisable to me, because you comment on every post I read. I couldn't help saying something in this instance, sorry.

A few months ago I wrote a post about my mother in law handing back a gift that I gave her for Christmas. It really upset me as I felt it was rude, and I wanted to know if I was being unreasonable. You told me I was being unreasonable, and that it's perfectly OK to hand back a gift. You're now telling this lady that she is rude for doing that same thing. Absolutely bizarre.

daisypond · 09/10/2021 16:57

Could you suggest she gives money instead if she really wants to? Even if it’s just a couple of pounds? Perhaps an old-fashioned piggy bank that she can put some coins in, if not a child bank account?

ChamberofSecrets69 · 09/10/2021 16:59

@Marvellousmadness

I loathe people with a passion when they dont listen to a "please don't bring any gifts "request!!!

Next time, if she still doesn't listen and hands you a gift you say " ill donate this to the 《insert charity 》 this afternoon ".

Its not rude to not be grateful/accepting for a gift you explicitly told her you didn't want her to bring any. Pp's who say you should accept the gift and thank her baffle me. Why they h e l l would you do that??!

Omg please do not take this person's advice, how rude!!!

TellMeItsNotTrue · 10/10/2021 16:35

Does she give it to you or your DS? If the latter, could you ask her to stop as he's starting to expect something from anyone who comes to the house, and how X felt awful that she didn't have anything for him when she visited, and it was sooooo embarrassing when the health visitor came etc and you don't want him to grow up spoiled

MRex · 10/10/2021 16:46

It's tricky, one-offs are easy to donate but regular stuff arriving is overwhelming. I have two who wouldn't stop buying things for DS. Eventually I got to a point of explaining "we have way too much stuff... except trousers, he really needs more joggers like those nice blue ones you got but in size X"... Cue trousers and a few weeks later I was asked if anything else was short "it could be useful to have a thin anorak size X for the autumn if you see one"... Next time I suggested socks. So now I still have to front up an idea of SOMETHING they can buy, but I get input so that it's all useful stuff. My suggestion would be to try a similar approach; just make sure it's only one thing at a time so that you have more for them to get next time they ask.

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