To politely decline gifts that won’t be used?

[IcedCoffeeAlways]

We have a family member that moved closer to us a few months ago and now visits us maybe 3ish times per month. We have a DS who is 11months and each time the family member visits she brings something for him.

The first couple of times it was small toys and I thanked her but politely told her that she really doesn’t need to bring something when she visits. Ive since been a bit more forward and asked her to please stop bringing things - but she won’t stop.

It’s not just toys though, a few weeks ago it was babygrows from John Lewis. DS is 11m and walking and hates having things on his feet in the house. He doesn’t even like his feet covered in bed. I told her this and said it was a lovely gesture but she really doesn’t need to buy him gifts and I asked if she was able to just return them as I knew they’d go to waste.
Today she arrived with dummies - 6 MAM dummies and 2 dummy clips. My DS doesn’t use dummies - he’s never been interested in them. I asked her to return them.

I could tell she was pretty offended today when I asked her to return them but I have no idea what else to do! I’d feel awful taking the things that I know are just going to sit in a drawer or be donated - I’d rather she got her money back for them. Am I being awful? I feel terrible to have offended her.

You can’t politely decline gifts, that’s not a thing, because declining gifts is rude.

It is weird to bring dummies though.

Could you suggest that instead of buying things your DS doesn't need, she puts money in a savings account for him or waits until your DS actually needs something and then buys or contributes to the cost.

It your mother in law isn’t it? My mother in law never comes Without a gift. It’s what she feels grandmothers do. She gets a lot
Of pleasure from it. It was annoying when the kids were small, and 80% of the time it was stuff we didn’t need or want and didn’t get used. But now she’s give it to the kids, not me, and they are old enough to tell her what they actually want! She’s a very lovely woman and I never could have told her not to bring stuff. I just said thank you and put it to one side and passed it on to others or to the charity shop. She got the pleasure from being at the shops ‘picking up something for my grandson’. I swear most of the time she forgot what she had given by the next day. I felt bad about her spending money on stuff we didn’t want. It felt so wasteful! To me
It was so clear that she could buy things half as often, and twice as nice! Why buy 3 cheap jumpers when you could get 1 nice jumper?! So I do sympathise. But I’m afraid that it is what a good percentage of living grandmothers do. Just wait until Christmas and prepare to hold your tongue when she buys a massive pile of stuff!

Smile and donate.

I agree with this. You have asked her not to bring gifts several times and she still does it, so it appears she won't stop. It's not worth making an issue of.

Could you ask her to build up your library of Thomas the Tank Engine books or Mr Men or something? If she bought one or two at a time, that would take quite a while!

@user64323

Is this a grandmother? Because this is exactly what grandparents do in my experience, and I think you should just accept and pass things on you won't use. If it's not a grandmother then I might not be so gracious.

🤦🏼‍♀️

@Bimblybomeyelash 🤣🤣 it’s not MIL 🤣 my MIL is definitely not one to forget what she had gifted though 😅 she’s the kind that likes to see it every time she visits to know it’s getting good use!

Just accept the gifts for gods sake! Are you not British?

I would hint that you’d like some more books, that gives her a lot of scope.

I think you could easily find a balance of sometimes suggesting small things that might be useful even if just some socks or something

Other times refuse the gift and sometimes just accepting it and keeping it for donation to charities that need gifts for Xmas or that

@Standrewsschool

I was going to say it’s rude to refuse gifts, thinking you were talking about birthday gifts etc. However, in your circumstance, I think you’re doing the right thing. It’s nice to buy a token gift when you first meet a child, but not after that (except for birthdays etc).

Also, Who buys dummies for another persons child ?!

This ^

Like pp, from the title of the thread, I was going to say, just smile and thank, then exchange or donate them, but I thought this was a twice a year thing.
3x a month, and after you have asked her specifically (not just in a "Oh, you shouldn't have" type way) is completely OTT, and buying someone else's child dummies is just odd.
Different if they were older and she turned up with a bag of sweets or a colouring or sticker book that would get used, but this is just wasting money.

I think you’re totally missing the point of what a gift is. It’s an offering, a show of love and affection, it’s not about providing you with something functional. A gift has fulfilled its purpose when you smile and accept it and say thank you. What you actually do with the item after you’ve gratefully received it, is significantly less important.

Yep my MIL is like this. She buys beautiful outfits for my kids but for the wrong season, we got lovely floral strappy dresses from monsoon, in September and big fleece pram suits for the baby but in age 6-9 when it'll be June... I just return as much as I can and get gift cards amd buy stuff we will actually use. Hate waste.

Unless you believe she will get into debt or cannot afford what she's gifting to your child, I would just accept the gifts and donate them afterwards. I agree with PPs that you will come across as rude and upset her.

Just donate to local foodbank

I’ve done polite, I’ve done firm, I’ve spelt it out in words of one syllable (repeatedly). It now goes in the bin or to the dump. I feel terrible and would prefer the stuff to be donated but we don’t have a charity shop nearby. I’ve told my mother this but it continues. I gave up because it was upsetting me each time, I don’t even open the parcels now otherwise I feel terribly guilty.

I would just tell people, even family, that I don't want,or need any gifts and stuff. it's not your problem if anyone gets upset about things, and they are saving money in the long run. I know that some people get a bit of a thrill with gift giving, and it makes them happy to gift things, but in lots of cases, people don't always wan't stuff.

@Regularsizedrudy

Just accept the gifts for gods sake! Are you not British?

@Regularsizedrudy What does being British have to do with anything?

Thanks everyone! I really thought I was doing the right thing by politely refusing the gifts but maybe you’re right and it’s going to cause relationship issues.
I’m going to have another chat with her and just make it clear again that I’d rather she stopped bringing gifts at every visit but if she wishes to tear DS at birthday or Christmas then that’s fine. If she continues with the gifts after that then I’ll just do the “politely accept and donate” thing. There’s not much else I can do at that point!

I loathe people with a passion when they dont listen to a "please don't bring any gifts "request!!!

Next time, if she still doesn't listen and hands you a gift you say " ill donate this to the 《insert charity 》 this afternoon ".

Its not rude to not be grateful/accepting for a gift you explicitly told her you didn't want her to bring any. Pp's who say you should accept the gift and thank her baffle me. Why they h e l l would you do that??!

Oh, crosspost. I see that you have chosen the path of least resistance
If she was a true friend she would accept your request imo.

@Arghlife

I know some people are saying it's rude to not accept gifts, or you should just take it and then donate it....but surely it's rude of your friend to not actually listen to you? Just say no, or suggest certain things that would be helpful

This. Donating or selling the unwanted items is creating work for OP.

@Summerfun54321

I think you’re totally missing the point of what a gift is. It’s an offering, a show of love and affection, it’s not about providing you with something functional. A gift has fulfilled its purpose when you smile and accept it and say thank you. What you actually do with the item after you’ve gratefully received it, is significantly less important.

And it is OK to not participate in this cultural charade if you don’t want to, because it’s wasteful and pointless!

That's really rude and hurtful of you. The polite thing to do would be to accept the gift. Don't need to use it or keep it.

I know you said it's not your MIL but my MIL does this. She gets a buzz off spending money (be that on herself or others). She genuinely cannot seem to help herself, when she sees something she likes she gets it, I spend half my life running around exchanging things in the wrong size etc. I'm usually super prepared so get winter gear early, then she turns up with such as rain coats (she already has two) so I knew it wouldn't get worn.
It probably makes me sound ungrateful, and I'm not. I appreciate her wanting to buy kids something nice but it does seem to make my life hard and I hate the thought of her wasting money, but my DH says not to worry as she wastes a lot of money anyway 🤷🏼‍♀️ she has got us some lovely things in the past too though