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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To politely decline gifts that won’t be used?

99 replies

IcedCoffeeAlways · 08/10/2021 20:43

We have a family member that moved closer to us a few months ago and now visits us maybe 3ish times per month. We have a DS who is 11months and each time the family member visits she brings something for him.

The first couple of times it was small toys and I thanked her but politely told her that she really doesn’t need to bring something when she visits. Ive since been a bit more forward and asked her to please stop bringing things - but she won’t stop.

It’s not just toys though, a few weeks ago it was babygrows from John Lewis. DS is 11m and walking and hates having things on his feet in the house. He doesn’t even like his feet covered in bed. I told her this and said it was a lovely gesture but she really doesn’t need to buy him gifts and I asked if she was able to just return them as I knew they’d go to waste.
Today she arrived with dummies - 6 MAM dummies and 2 dummy clips. My DS doesn’t use dummies - he’s never been interested in them. I asked her to return them.

I could tell she was pretty offended today when I asked her to return them but I have no idea what else to do! I’d feel awful taking the things that I know are just going to sit in a drawer or be donated - I’d rather she got her money back for them. Am I being awful? I feel terrible to have offended her.

OP posts:
Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 08/10/2021 21:25

My sister does this but is always from a charity shop so l have told her time and time again it is a waste of money and will be going back to a charity shop .
Been telling her for years and she still doesn't listen.
I hate clutter and can't bear it.

waitingpatientlyforspring · 08/10/2021 21:29

I don't understand why people want to waste money by buying useless gifts. I remember my mil buying dc an outfit in a colour she knew I wouldn't dress them in.

I just couldn't understand why she knowingly wasted her money. Though this is the women who bought a flamenco dress while on holiday knowing it was too small for my dd 'but all the other dresses would be too big!' And bought a top with the wrong spelling of her name.

Original poster
IcedCoffeeAlways · 08/10/2021 21:38

I do appreciate that it’s not worth a major fuss - I just hate the thought of someone spending money and me donating the stuff as soon as they walk out the door! I’ve passed a few things on to friends and donated some things.

Yes, I could have returned the babygrows and exchanged them at JL but my nearest one is an hour away, I don’t drive and would have to take DS on the train just to make the exchange so in reality they would sit in a drawer and not be used.

OP posts:
Original poster
IcedCoffeeAlways · 08/10/2021 21:39

I also get that some people love to buy gifts - I’m one of those people myself! But if someone asked me to please stop then I would so I was a bit unsure where to go next when she didn’t!

OP posts:
CherryMaple · 08/10/2021 21:39

If I bought a gift - which I had carefully chosen - and you told me to return it, I would be offended and upset. Clearly, though, this isn’t a one-off. She is being kind and generous, buying you decent quality gifts - I would’ve been delighted to get John Lewis sleepsuits. She is obviously enjoying choosing things for the baby. Graciously accepting the gifts would give her pleasure. If you donate them to charity, it costs you nothing and both she and the charity benefit. Her feelings matter - all she’s done wrong here is buying you too many gifts? Do you value the relationship with her, because you are potentially going to damage that relationship for the sake of this?

Wondergirl100 · 08/10/2021 21:41

Why should the OP have to accept and go out of her way to donate? This woman is being thoughtless. It's completely weird to give a 1 year old a baby gro - and it's even wierder to give dummies - I would not even gift dummies to a newborn.

Woeismethischristmas · 08/10/2021 21:42

Ive always suggested books to generous folk. That way you can read with your little one and pass on.

Wondergirl100 · 08/10/2021 21:42

She really isn't being kind and generous giving gifts that are totally inappropriate when she has been clearly asked to stop.

LaurenKelsey · 08/10/2021 21:49

I am in the US and had to Google “dummies”! We call them pacifiers. 😂

LadyJaye · 08/10/2021 21:52

@CherryMaple

If I bought a gift - which I had carefully chosen - and you told me to return it, I would be offended and upset. Clearly, though, this isn’t a one-off. She is being kind and generous, buying you decent quality gifts - I would’ve been delighted to get John Lewis sleepsuits. She is obviously enjoying choosing things for the baby. Graciously accepting the gifts would give her pleasure. If you donate them to charity, it costs you nothing and both she and the charity benefit. Her feelings matter - all she’s done wrong here is buying you too many gifts? Do you value the relationship with her, because you are potentially going to damage that relationship for the sake of this?
So basically it's all about you.
nbee84 · 08/10/2021 21:56

Can you drop hints that your ds is at that age where he is really getting into books? You can never have too many books Smile

Original poster
IcedCoffeeAlways · 08/10/2021 21:58

@CherryMaple

If I bought a gift - which I had carefully chosen - and you told me to return it, I would be offended and upset. Clearly, though, this isn’t a one-off. She is being kind and generous, buying you decent quality gifts - I would’ve been delighted to get John Lewis sleepsuits. She is obviously enjoying choosing things for the baby. Graciously accepting the gifts would give her pleasure. If you donate them to charity, it costs you nothing and both she and the charity benefit. Her feelings matter - all she’s done wrong here is buying you too many gifts? Do you value the relationship with her, because you are potentially going to damage that relationship for the sake of this?
@CherryMaple I get it, I really do! And I don’t mean to sound ungrateful in any way - I really do appreciate that she’s gone out of her way to pick these things. If it was once or twice then I wouldn’t hesitate just to graciously accept and donate the items as I did at the start but when it’s every couple of weeks it’s a lot!
OP posts:
RobertaFirmino · 08/10/2021 21:59

@IcedCoffeeAlways

I do appreciate that it’s not worth a major fuss - I just hate the thought of someone spending money and me donating the stuff as soon as they walk out the door! I’ve passed a few things on to friends and donated some things.

Yes, I could have returned the babygrows and exchanged them at JL but my nearest one is an hour away, I don’t drive and would have to take DS on the train just to make the exchange so in reality they would sit in a drawer and not be used.

I have a huge problem with receiving gifts for this exact reason. I cannot bear the thought that someone has queued up and spent good money on something that just won't get used. Yes, I can take it to the charity shop where I work but the guilt is overwhelming. It's to do with childhood issues and I cannot shake it off, despite therapy.

You have choices. You can carry on as you are but that's no use to anyone. You could put your foot down once and for all but that risks offending the giver. I think @Woeismethischristmas has the best solution - suggest books. Books are great, they serve a purpose and can easily be passed to another child (or my CS!).

Original poster
IcedCoffeeAlways · 08/10/2021 22:00

@Woeismethischristmas @nbee84 Actually not a bad idea guys, thank you!! He genuinely does LOVE books. We have an absolute tonne already but I’m firmly of the opinion that you can never have too many and we do pass them along to friends too! Maybe it would be better to steer her in that direction rather than offend her

OP posts:
Original poster
IcedCoffeeAlways · 08/10/2021 22:03

@RobertaFirmino thank you!! I’m glad it’s not just me that feels guilty about that 😬 the books were a great suggestion - we love books!

OP posts:
CherryMaple · 08/10/2021 22:07

@LadyJaye No - it’s about the relationship. The OP said that the gift giver is already offended. It’s about how important the relationship is to the OP and her child, and whether it’s worth making a stand on the issue of the gifts if that’s going to damage the relationship.

Patriciathestripper1 · 08/10/2021 22:07

Just be thankful she likes you enough to care to buy something. If you can’t use it pass it on its giving her pleasure to give you things.

TrollsAreSaddos · 08/10/2021 22:14

Occasional unwanted gifts are not that bad but the OPs visitor is giving these gifts three times a month! If the visitor is close enough to visit that often then I think the OP needs to get her to understand she doesn’t want the gifts. It’s the visitor who is being rude.

Yika · 08/10/2021 22:15

I think compulsive gift giving can be quite intrusive and burdensome to the recipient. I dont find it sweet or generous if it trampled over the recipient’s boundaries. It just creates work: stuff that you have to deal with.

mummabubs · 08/10/2021 22:23

@CherryMaple

If I bought a gift - which I had carefully chosen - and you told me to return it, I would be offended and upset. Clearly, though, this isn’t a one-off. She is being kind and generous, buying you decent quality gifts - I would’ve been delighted to get John Lewis sleepsuits. She is obviously enjoying choosing things for the baby. Graciously accepting the gifts would give her pleasure. If you donate them to charity, it costs you nothing and both she and the charity benefit. Her feelings matter - all she’s done wrong here is buying you too many gifts? Do you value the relationship with her, because you are potentially going to damage that relationship for the sake of this?
I think the relative shows love through buying things and gifting. Maybe this isn't how the OP typically shows or receives love themselves. Personally I think if someone has said "please stop buying gifts, they won't be used and I'd rather you didn't waste your money" but that person continues to buy gifts then who are they doing it for? Whose needs are they meeting? Certainly not the recipient. And at this point it doesn't feel like a kindness anymore, but rather a burden of "I don't care if you don't use these things or have to go out of your way to rehome them. My need to feel like I've shown you love by giving you something is more important".

OP, we've had similar and after asking several times for it to stop or reduce I've just accepted regifting to charity with no guilt.

MitheringMytryl · 08/10/2021 22:24

I have friends who will sometimes bring little gifts for my children when they come over. It's usually a little toy or book, and I think it's lovely. It's also only occasional.

I think your friend bringing over a pack of dummies, after you have specifically told her to stop bringing things, and refused a gift recently, is quite odd, and suggests that maybe she's a compulsive shopper and feels compelled to buy things. I don't think I know anyone who would think a random pack of dummies would be a nice gift in these circumstances.

My mother is like this. I used to have to have a very awkward conversation with her every time she came around because she would bring several large shopping bags full of stuff for me. It would be make up, cushion covers, hair stuff, clothes, magazines etc. Basically just a load of random stuff that I had no use for. It didn't matter if I told her to stop, she would keep doing it. She couldn't stop.

I was weak and my house ended up stuffed full of her gifts.

Your friend sounds like she a little bit more restraint, but it still sounds compulsive to me.

Topseyt · 08/10/2021 22:24

There is no way of refusing the gifts without hurting her feelings.

Just accept graciously, thank her and then either charity shop it or flog it on eBay.

RAOK · 08/10/2021 22:25

Donate to a baby bank or refuge. They will be crying out for these items.

Timeisavirtue · 08/10/2021 22:26

I had to do the same with my brothers gf, she’s a really nice girl, we loved her to bits but she kept buying dd clothes everytime she went shopping and it was getting to the point where stuff I’d already brought her wasn’t getting used. I made it clear one day and since then she’s not brought her clothing or shoes. She still buys her arts and crafts and stuff but that’s it now.

gogohm · 08/10/2021 22:27

I would probably suggest telling her what would be useful, yes you can donate them but she wants to help so say if you are wanting to treat him bring x or y