My mum is ‘anxious’ about taking my son to nursery - something I knew nothing about

[tobeweirdedoutbythisss]

My mum sees my DS, a toddler once a week, sometimes less. She usually has him for a couple of hours after nursery.

He is in nursery 3 days per week. She can be quite overbearing.

Today my sister told me that my mum had been speaking to one of her friends, who has a child. This friend had been planning on taking her child to a toddler group. My sister said my mum had been planning to go too... with my son?

She showed me some messages that explained how my mum didn’t have my son at that point because she was ‘too busy with work’ (?), but that they definitely need to take the kids to toddler group together to ‘ease each other’s anxiety about being new’.

AIBU to be feeling completely unnerved by this? I had no idea she was evening looking at toddler groups let alone feeling ‘anxious’ about taking my son to one.

How do I approach this?

There's obviously something wrong with your mum and you can't change her. I'm not surprised you're suffering depression and anxiety. Ideally you would move to the other end of the country. I don't think you can stop her seeing your child or forbid her from taking him to toddler group without her going into a rage. It sounds as if you have already gone no contact/forbidden contact with your son but have backtracked on that. Consider putting a plan in place between now and Christmas for you to get well enough to cut contact again in the New Year. It's pointless arguing with her or expecting her to change. Save your energy for self-care. Look up how to deal with a narcissist.

She was out of order in slagging you off to a toddler. Consider whether the "benefit" of her "help" outweighs your anxiety her behaviour brings. Tbh your dsis sounds as bad, shitstirring. Can you manage without either in your life?

@tobeweirdedoutbythisss

I don’t want her looking after my son but I feel weak and under a lot of pressure and still struggling with depression. When I finally agreed to have contact again the first day she had him (with me there) she told him ‘granny hasn’t seen you because mummy is a cunt’

I would've ended the relationship with her there and then tbh !

@tobeweirdedoutbythisss

I don’t want her looking after my son but I feel weak and under a lot of pressure and still struggling with depression. When I finally agreed to have contact again the first day she had him (with me there) she told him ‘granny hasn’t seen you because mummy is a cunt’

This is much more worrying than your original post. I wouldn't let her have him after saying this.

@PinkCricket

She sounds lovely! And having him after nursery for a few hours is lovely. And every week - Im envious 🥰.

I hope she knows how much you apprecuate her

No she doesn’t she sounds batshit crazy! She sees the child at most once a week and has been neither asked nor expressed an interest in attending a group until her sisters friend said she was going. I’d be warning her she’s not taking my child there and rethinking unsupervised visits.

@tobeweirdedoutbythisss

I don’t want her looking after my son but I feel weak and under a lot of pressure and still struggling with depression. When I finally agreed to have contact again the first day she had him (with me there) she told him ‘granny hasn’t seen you because mummy is a cunt’

This is abuse.....It is your responsibility to safeguard your child from abuse.... or you become complicit in the abuse.

Just seen all your updates OP. Blocking her is a good first step. If she tries to get in contact stay really firm and use short, concise sentences as if you are speaking to a child. Along the lines of: I’ve decided it’s not working out. You can’t have my child unsupervised. If she is rude or tries boundary pushing talk to her like a toddler reiterating your position and warning her that it is not a discussion. Inform her you won’t talk to her while she is behaving like this and will call her in a few days when she has calmed down…. The last part was something taught to me as part of deescalation training as you are showing you reject their behavior but not them so if they complain to others it shows them to be the unreasonable one.

@tobeweirdedoutbythisss

I don’t want her looking after my son but I feel weak and under a lot of pressure and still struggling with depression. When I finally agreed to have contact again the first day she had him (with me there) she told him ‘granny hasn’t seen you because mummy is a cunt’

You need to go no contact with this woman. That is absolutely disgusting. What a way to speak about your own daughter and to your own grandchild.

@tobeweirdedoutbythisss

I don’t want her looking after my son but I feel weak and under a lot of pressure and still struggling with depression. When I finally agreed to have contact again the first day she had him (with me there) she told him ‘granny hasn’t seen you because mummy is a cunt’

Er ... right. Time to change your childcare arrangements.

Obviously we don;t know the full back story, but how on earth did you allow her to have unsupervised contact with your boy, following that remark? Do you not think she could be saying some horribly damaging & scary things to him?

I'm not sure if your mum picks up your son from nursery but you would need to inform nursery about the change of who's allowed to pick up to stop your mum being able to.

@tobeweirdedoutbythisss

But how do I do this without her becoming nasty? Last time she turned hideous. I’m trying to do what’s best but I want to do it in the safest way possible

So she gets nasty.

Surely that's less unpleasant than the chance she can tell you son his mummy's a cunt again?

I imagine you have struggled with this woman all your life. Don't allow that to become your son's struggle too. She can be as hideous as she pleases - if you have blocked, & preferably gone NC, you won't have to know anything about it.

I voted YABU, but then read your updates and you’re not being unreasonable in the slightest.
Good luck x

Get away from her! And get your son away! She sounds unhinged. Don’t tell her directly if you’re scared. Just make up an excuse why you no longer need her to care for your son. Be pleasant but firm. I know it’s hard but the more you do it, the easier it gets. You are in charge of your and your son’s life not her.

Good luck she sounds awful.

@tobeweirdedoutbythisss

I don’t want her looking after my son but I feel weak and under a lot of pressure and still struggling with depression. When I finally agreed to have contact again the first day she had him (with me there) she told him ‘granny hasn’t seen you because mummy is a cunt’

Omg op cut her off and NEVER look back. This is so far from okay.

@tobeweirdedoutbythisss

I don’t want her looking after my son but I feel weak and under a lot of pressure and still struggling with depression. When I finally agreed to have contact again the first day she had him (with me there) she told him ‘granny hasn’t seen you because mummy is a cunt’

Then why on earth are you letting her see you or your child!?

@Lavender2021

I'm not sure if your mum picks up your son from nursery but you would need to inform nursery about the change of who's allowed to pick up to stop your mum being able to.

Please make sure to do this OP. She sounds like the type who would turn up at nursery and take him anyway!

This monster threatened, “Let the games begin. Watch your back.” when you last told her that you were reducing contact. You’d had enough of her territoriality of your son and her cruel undermining and domination of you.

She exploded and said that she WILL continue seeing him, and that SHE decides when and how long, and that you have NO say-so. She said, “Just watch me.” You notified the nursery that she cannot collect him, and told your health visitor about her threats.

When you later felt guilty and let her see him, she immediately ABUSED both you and DS.

Kudos for blocking her, OP. You must stay strong to protect your child! If you allow her presence in his life, he will be damaged.