Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum is ‘anxious’ about taking my son to nursery - something I knew nothing about

93 replies

tobeweirdedoutbythisss · 08/10/2021 19:50

My mum sees my DS, a toddler once a week, sometimes less. She usually has him for a couple of hours after nursery.

He is in nursery 3 days per week. She can be quite overbearing.

Today my sister told me that my mum had been speaking to one of her friends, who has a child. This friend had been planning on taking her child to a toddler group. My sister said my mum had been planning to go too... with my son?

She showed me some messages that explained how my mum didn’t have my son at that point because she was ‘too busy with work’ (?), but that they definitely need to take the kids to toddler group together to ‘ease each other’s anxiety about being new’.

AIBU to be feeling completely unnerved by this? I had no idea she was evening looking at toddler groups let alone feeling ‘anxious’ about taking my son to one.

How do I approach this?

OP posts:
DrWankincense · 08/10/2021 20:22

Right so back story is such that she should not be in contact with you or your child at all.
Just because she is your mum, don't feel guilty.
If a friend behaved in the same way to you, what would you do?
I was reading between the lines and then you posted..because mummy is a cunt.
Your child is your priority and you should not feel forced into letting him spend time with someone like that.

Snowdropsandbluebells · 08/10/2021 20:22

Your sister is very sneaky.

Namechangeforthis88 · 08/10/2021 20:23

I get it. If my mum, who looked after my child for a couple of hours here and there, turned out to be planning on taking him to toddler groups and had discussed it with a sister's friend but not mentioned it to me, I'd be freaked out. Like she's pretending to be the mum, pretending he's her wee boy.

Her use of the c word about you in front of your son would have been enough for many people to cut off all contact.

ThirdElephant · 08/10/2021 20:23

Oh, yikes. I'd say you no longer need her to have him every week, thanks, she's been a great help, and resist every attempt from her to get the arrangement back. Then whittle down the time you spend with her.

DrWankincense · 08/10/2021 20:25

Block her on your phone e so she can't message you.
Your sister seems to be stirring a bit, if she can't support you then unfortunately you block her too.
Better to be on your own then be enmeshed in toxicity.
If they harass you, call the police.
It's not easy but imagine the next 10 years with her dripping poison in your child's ear and behaving so.
Get rid.

CrazyOldBagLady · 08/10/2021 20:25

Your Mum wanting to go to toddler group with your son and her friend is the most normal thing you have written about her. Everything else you say makes her sound deranged. I would not let her look after my child, whatever the fallout. It sounds like she will start poisoning him against you when he is old enough to be manipulated. It's your job to protect your son, don't have any qualms about doing so.

AliceW89 · 08/10/2021 20:27

If she’s truly as bad as you make out OP, there isn’t a way you can cut her out without it becoming nasty. She’s not going to just roll over and accept not seeing you/her grandson with a smile and a wave goodbye. I agree with others - go none contact and ride out the fall out.

Original poster
tobeweirdedoutbythisss · 08/10/2021 20:28

I’ve blocked her. First time doing so. Very nervous, but this thread has made me realise it’s the right thing to do

OP posts:
TheWayTheLightFalls · 08/10/2021 20:29

Oh, yikes. I'd say you no longer need her to have him every week, thanks, she's been a great help, and resist every attempt from her to get the arrangement back. Then whittle down the time you spend with her.

This. I agree with a PP, her thinking about taking your son to a toddler group is the most normal thing about this situation (and even there, imo, she's using him as an accessory to hang out with her mate imo).

SmileySandwich · 08/10/2021 20:29

@tobeweirdedoutbythisss

I don’t want her looking after my son but I feel weak and under a lot of pressure and still struggling with depression. When I finally agreed to have contact again the first day she had him (with me there) she told him ‘granny hasn’t seen you because mummy is a cunt’
Oh my god she's evil. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this on top of your depression.
LostforWords2021 · 08/10/2021 20:30

do you live near by each other? Could you block and do low contact?

Anyone calling me a cunt to my children would be, and were cut out of everything from that day.

lateralblow · 08/10/2021 20:30

@tobeweirdedoutbythisss

I’ve blocked her. First time doing so. Very nervous, but this thread has made me realise it’s the right thing to do
Good. Well done.

Post as much as you need to to work through it.

People talk on here as if it's easy to just simply go nc. It's not. But I've done it and come out the other side of it happier and healthier and you will too.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 08/10/2021 20:31

Start a new thread, OP, and title it something like "Please support me to go no contact with my toxic mother".

What are you specifically worried she will do? Without knowing your specific concerns I would:

  1. Gradually reduce contact between her and your son (you don't want them to have a regular arrangement that she can then try to fight to maintain, make it different days each week and slowly increase the time between visits). Maybe change/increase nursery hours. Perhaps he will be ill a lot this autumn anyway, they're catching all sorts at the moment. Be busy, sign him up for an extra class or two now things are opening up.
  1. Keep a record of things like her comment about you made to your son (evidence her abuse/that she is not a safe person for him to spend time with).
  1. Eventually bite the bullet and tell her you don't want to see her any more.
  1. If she harasses you, call the police.

It might be a good idea to get some advice from a family law expert on whether she would have a case for contact with him independently of you, and if so how you can minimise the risk.

user68583 · 08/10/2021 20:32

It seems like you have major issues with your mum and almost like your scared of her. You should not feel like you have to hand your DC over to anyone especially after the c* comment.
I don't think a lot of posters got you with your first post but I think I did. It's the planning things behind your back. I have family members that pull the whole 'brilliant aunts/grandma' card but it's actually in a sinister don't like the mother want her out the way so I can play mummy way.

If it was me she would not she wouldn't be having him for the two hours per week she does.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 08/10/2021 20:35

How is her relationship with your sister? I'm getting faint Golden Child vibes with showing the text etc.

grapewine · 08/10/2021 20:36

granny hasn’t seen you because mummy is a cunt’

The fuck?! And you're still in contact? Step way back, OP. For your son and yourself.

grapewine · 08/10/2021 20:37

@tobeweirdedoutbythisss

I’ve blocked her. First time doing so. Very nervous, but this thread has made me realise it’s the right thing to do
I posted without having seen this. Well done. Good luck.
Lochroy · 08/10/2021 20:37

What do you mean by becoming vicious? After what she's said I would want nothing to do with her and I certainly wouldn't want her looking after my child. Well done for blocking her.

JamieNorthlife · 08/10/2021 20:40

Op, you post seems similar to a post while back where the mum was controlling and threatened to take the child away from Op. That mum was not a nice person. Was that you?

LizzieSiddal · 08/10/2021 20:40

Flowers well down for blocking her, it’s hard because you’re afraid of her but you’re doing the right thing.
It’s your job as a mummy to protect yourself and your child from this toxic person.

pickingdaisies · 08/10/2021 20:41

Well done for blocking, OP, that took a lot of courage. Will your sister support you, or is she stirring? Couldn't work out if she was trying to warn you, or just causing trouble. I don't think you will shift your depression with your mum in your life - she's too much of a negative presence, she will never allow you to recover.
Just think of your lovely little boy when it gets tough, you are doing this for him too.

georgarina · 08/10/2021 20:42

You need to stop her seeing him, she will poison his head with negative things about you otherwise.

She is def an emotional abuser. And FWIW I understood about your post from the beginning - it must feel to you like she's deliberately cutting you out of plans, not informing you of what she's doing with your son, probably because she's somewhat narcissistic and doesn't like that you have authority as parent and she doesn't.

Why do you feel forced? What would happen if you cut contact with her?

iolaus · 08/10/2021 20:44

Is she pretending your son is HER son, rather than her grandson?

Thats how it read to me

saraclara · 08/10/2021 20:44

OMG. I can't believe what she said to your DC. You need to protect him from her. I'm glad you've made a start.

jagoda · 08/10/2021 20:45

‘granny hasn’t seen you because mummy is a cunt’

Yes this is the sort of thing my mother would say. And one of the reasons why I am completely NC with her and have been for years.

I know it's scary and you feel guilty and fearful, but I am assuming your whole life under her control has left you feeling guilty and fearful, and probably lacking in self esteem.

Cutting my mother off was the best thing I ever did for myself and for my family. I have been so much happier since.

Remember NC means NC so you don't respond to anything, including third party contact from people she sets up to tell you what a shit daughter you are, and how you should be ashamed of yourself after "everything she has done for you" Just remember, they do not know what you know. You are doing what's best for you and protecting yourself and your child from abuse. Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread