My mum is ‘anxious’ about taking my son to nursery - something I knew nothing about

[tobeweirdedoutbythisss]

My mum sees my DS, a toddler once a week, sometimes less. She usually has him for a couple of hours after nursery.

He is in nursery 3 days per week. She can be quite overbearing.

Today my sister told me that my mum had been speaking to one of her friends, who has a child. This friend had been planning on taking her child to a toddler group. My sister said my mum had been planning to go too... with my son?

She showed me some messages that explained how my mum didn’t have my son at that point because she was ‘too busy with work’ (?), but that they definitely need to take the kids to toddler group together to ‘ease each other’s anxiety about being new’.

AIBU to be feeling completely unnerved by this? I had no idea she was evening looking at toddler groups let alone feeling ‘anxious’ about taking my son to one.

How do I approach this?

I don’t want her looking after my son but I feel weak and under a lot of pressure and still struggling with depression. When I finally agreed to have contact again the first day she had him (with me there) she told him ‘granny hasn’t seen you because mummy is a cunt’

@tobeweirdedoutbythisss

I don’t want her looking after my son but I feel weak and under a lot of pressure and still struggling with depression. When I finally agreed to have contact again the first day she had him (with me there) she told him ‘granny hasn’t seen you because mummy is a cunt’

This is not good for your son. You need to stop contact for his sake.

I can't work out from earlier posts - does she currently take him to nursery? If so, stop using her for free childcare when it suits.

But how do I do this without her becoming nasty? Last time she turned hideous. I’m trying to do what’s best but I want to do it in the safest way possible

@tobeweirdedoutbythisss

I don’t want her looking after my son but I feel weak and under a lot of pressure and still struggling with depression. When I finally agreed to have contact again the first day she had him (with me there) she told him ‘granny hasn’t seen you because mummy is a cunt’

Well that would have done it for me!

It doesn't sound like she had taken him they or decided when she will take him so not really any need to tell you yet.

No. I don’t use her for free childcare. She has him (maybe) once a week for two hours. This is not for childcare, this is because I feel forced to.

My mum used to take my son to a toddler group while she was looking after my son, they had a lovely time and it was better than sitting at home all day. Toddler groups and nurseries are different things - toddler group is where you take the kid for a couple of hours and stay and play with them.

I don't really see the problem.

Oh god I feel so bad for you.
I would pull back a bit with contact because it is giving me red flags right away even without reading your updates (horrific)
She shouldn't be planning anything like that without even mentioning it to you, dodgy.
Does her being so involved really make your life easier, or are you allowing it because you feel like you 'should'?
Prioritise yourself and your son and be very wary of attempts to alienate him from you. Not happened to me but I've seen it done by a grandmother. Really wishing you the best.

Sorry my message was only in response to the OP, ignore it in light of the comments since

If she is calling you names like that in front of your son, them you are not unreasonable to cut contact.

I would gradually pull back, reduce messages, find reasons etc for her not to have him alone.
Start a group with him yourself or extend some time at nursery if possible?

You’re going to have to stand up to her OP, or she will end up treating your son the way she treats you.

I am always baffled by these threads

'My mum is so awful we cut contact. But now I get her to do child are and worry about every move she makes and assume there's something awful behind it'

Why does your sister even have her messages? And why is she shit stirring?

You can not maintain contact with her. It is damaging for you and will be for your child.

@tobeweirdedoutbythisss

I don’t want her looking after my son but I feel weak and under a lot of pressure and still struggling with depression. When I finally agreed to have contact again the first day she had him (with me there) she told him ‘granny hasn’t seen you because mummy is a cunt’

Ok this is emotional abuse of your son and you - as his parent - need to safeguard him from this.

I don’t get her to do free childcare. Being guilted into something is very different

@tobeweirdedoutbythisss

I don’t want her looking after my son but I feel weak and under a lot of pressure and still struggling with depression. When I finally agreed to have contact again the first day she had him (with me there) she told him ‘granny hasn’t seen you because mummy is a cunt’

Okay that would have been the end of it again for me.

I'm also confused. The title says your mum is anxious to take him to nursery. But it's toddler groups she's anxious about? Is the friend your sister's friend or your mum's friend? How does your sis have access to messages?

All that aside, you cannot leave your child with someone you don't trust or someone who has told your child you're a cunt. Not to ease discomfort, not for anything! Just stop it.

'granny hasn’t seen you because mummy is a cunt’

At this point you should've told her that was the end of it.

If she can speak to your son like that now, it is only going to get worse.

You do not have to accept this.

But how do I go about fully stopping contact with her without it becoming vicious? Someone please tell me the steps because I’m at a loss

@tobeweirdedoutbythisss

I don’t want her looking after my son but I feel weak and under a lot of pressure and still struggling with depression. When I finally agreed to have contact again the first day she had him (with me there) she told him ‘granny hasn’t seen you because mummy is a cunt’

I think you need to somehow cut contact. Would your sister support you? I’m worried for you

You don’t trust her.
She’s vile to you.

Go no contact. Block her.
I bet you’ll feel a hell of a lot better.

@tobeweirdedoutbythisss

I don’t get her to do free childcare. Being guilted into something is very different

You need to concentrate on being a good parent to your son. That should be your focus not pandering to your mother.

I know it's hard, my mother is a malignant b*tch too and it's been five years since I cut her out of mine and my children's lives. It was hard but the right thing to do.

You need to focus on your role as a mother not on your role as a daughter.

@tobeweirdedoutbythisss

But how do I go about fully stopping contact with her without it becoming vicious? Someone please tell me the steps because I’m at a loss

You can't control her actions. If she becomes vicious you can report her to police for harassment. I had to do that with my own parents.

You cannot use your DS as cannon fodder to keep yourself safe from your mother's reactions.