To wonder how I ended up deciding what everyone would eat for ever more

[snowdropsandcrocuses]

This isn't a complaint about chores or sharing the general load. Me and DP both work ft though I work shifts and earn more so I tend to do the food shopping online. He is very very good at chores, will clean, vacuum, washing, ironing and everything else. Over the years I have taken on the lion's share of cooking. I'm better at it than him and I like food cooked well.

What blows my mind though is how others don't seem to have opinions on what to eat. I try to meal plan each week and order shopping but when I throw out 'what do people want for dinner?' I get shrugs and 'anything' answers.

Now I go through life deciding what I want to eat almost every single day. There is nobody placing a meal in front of me unless I already picked the menu or bought the ingredients.

I'm not complaining that I'm not cooked for but I'm so confused that others (kids/DP) don't have a 'yearning' for any particular meal. I say, what do you fancy for tea tonight? But get no definitive answer. How don't you know what you fancy eating?!?! It's like asking someone if they want tea or coffee and they say 'either'. What?! Why? How do you not know what you want?!?!

Do others not find themselves occasionally thinking 'oh I haven't eaten xxx for a while, I really fancy eating that for tea'?

Blows my mind.

I did the same for twenty years and was really good at it - I could walk into the supermarket and immediately think of multiple meals based upon what looked good or was on offer or just open the cupboard and come up with ideas on the hoof. I absolutely hated asking 'what do you want for tea?' when I was stuck, only to have 'FOOD' snapped back.

However, then I got ill, the medication I was given (that didn't work) completely changed my sense of taste, I found out that I couldn't have gluten or dairy and I was under huge amounts of pressure and stress at work whilst still being unwell.

DP (the new, nice one, not the dickhead who wasn't above chucking a plate on the floor or at me if I failed to guess correctly what he wanted) insisted upon taking over the shopping and cooking, but not the planning - there were many occasions where I'd say I don't know what to eat, I don't know what's in the supermarket, I don't know what alternatives there are to specific things in the supermarket, I don't know whether you have the time or the energy to cook anything I suggest because you've waited until 8.30pm to say there isn't anything planned or defrosted and no, I can't just have a takeaway because I'm fucking celiac.

Eventually, we reached a compromise. I insist upon certain items being in the house at all times, he has a basic list of ideas that can be varied without much mental effort and knows that if I haven't suggested something, that means work has been too much and I'm beyond caring as long as it doesn't poison me.

I reckon this is why older people lose weight or exist purely on tiny snacks - they've just burned out from thinking about this stuff for decades.

Ditto, op. I do 100% of the meal planning, shopping and cooking. ( DH definitely pulls his weight in other areas, I'm not complaining.)

I even make lunch for him and packups for 3dc. I decide everything. They're happy to eat what is put in front of them. I even basically decide breakfast because I choose the cereal, brand of bread/ jam, whether we have crumpets or bagels that week.

DH and DC just are ok with someone else deciding. It does get tedious choosing the meals.

Ah, here you are, my tribe. Sometimes I actually let out a long scream.
Me: "What do you want for dinner?"
Them: "Don't mind."
Me: "SCREAAAAAAMMMMMM!"

You’re not the only one, @snowdropsandcrocuses - every week I write a menu for the following week, then write the shopping list and do the online order. At the moment, though, dh is doing all the cooking (while I try to get over long covid), so at least I’ve been relieved of that task, but the mental load is all mine.

I do ask dh, and ds3 who is living with us and wfh at the moment, what they might like to eat, but they rarely have any ideas.

Occasionally I day-dream about having a week where there is no real cooking at all - we go to M&S and buy enough ping meals to last the week, and no thought is necessary.

When my DH took over cooking most of the meals, as he was working from home and I was working 10hr days in an office, he sometimes used to ask me what I wanted.
I was so grateful that I wasn't having to think about doing it myself that I really didn't mind and was genuinely happy for him to decide.

Also, I think I felt that, as he was doing all the shopping and cooking, I didn't want to make it any more difficult by dictating what I wanted. Maybe your DH feels the same?

And it doesn't end when the kids leave home. My mum has started with dementia so I have to cook for her. I ask her what she wants and she replies, "something comfy and easy on the plate." FFS. 🤬

I'd try a few days of things you know they don't want then. My go to is something aubergine based which I like but no one else does. This proves that they are not 'not bothered' and can then pull their finger out and come up with some ideas

Luckily I work lates 3 days out of 10, so I buy random stuff that can be chucked in a stirfry by DH or ds can put a chilli together. I just buy 2 freezeable ready meals for 1 and ping it when I get home. I still have to shop for those days though

Same here OP.

I meal plan and do the online food shop and I am losing the will to live. So much so a couple of weeks ago I purchased a dozen freezer friendly lunchboxes and I have been purposely bulk cooking to save future me the mental load and time of the prep.

Tomorrow for example i'm bulk cooking a casserole and will freeze a further 2 portions to feed us all. After that I'm bulk cooking chilli and freezing another 2 dinners worth of meals.

This is what my Mum called "The tyranny of meals".
I really hate it when DH asks me at 7 am "What are we having for tea?"
I really don't care.

Same here. I find it baffling that DH just eats what he’s given.

Same here. Meal plan and shop every Sunday. Every Sunday I ask for ideas of things they'd like to eat the following week (there's me, dh, ds(19) and dd2(17).)

Practically never does anyone have a proper answer. All"I don't mind" or "whatever". Drives me mad, especially when they then "don't fancy" what I've made. I do most of the cooking as I'm at home all day (disabled,student) and dh doesn't get home till after 7. Dc do help, but only if I ask.

Since they're both adults I was thinking of getting them to do a meal each every week, but I don't think I can bear the huffing. They are very good about other chores and probably join in more than their mates do because of my mobility issues and problems with my hands. Just not cooking!

Our house is exactly like this. I don’t even like cooking that much!

DH did step up last weekend though, as I wasn’t well. He shopped for and made a meal of his choosing - chicken, ham and leek pie, sugar snap peas (we had lots to use up) mashed potatoes. He and ds reported that it was lovely (I have no sense of taste right now), which was great.

I’m much better now, and of course meal planning, shopping and cooking falls to me. I still have no sense of taste so I will have to make the same stuff as I’ve made for months and months on rotation as I know that they taste ok.

Oh I hate it. If I never had to decide on a meal again it would be too soon. Ds's do suggest meals, and Dh does cook, do not as bad as op, but the having to decide, I hate with a passion.

I don’t really care whether DH/DC like what I’ve cooked. I make a mental note and don’t do really disliked things again, but figure that if I’m doing the shopping/ cooking/ clearing up, they get what they’re given.

However, I did find myself asking at dinner last night what they wanted for dinner tonight. My mum used to do this, drove us crazy. “Can’t we just start and finish this dinner before thinking about the next one??”

What shall we eat next week? " how do I know, I'm not hungry". Aaaaargh.

These replies are making me chuckle.

I feel you all, I really do. A pp says it right, it is not the chore of cooking I mind, it is the mental load. DP as I say is great for doing things but he cannot carry the mental load. He works self employed and always has a boatload on his mind. He wouldn't even think about what to cook until he is stood in the kitchen at 6pm with hungry kids and wondering what he is going to cook. I know this because I also work lates and before I adopted the meal planning he used to have to fend for himself and the kids while I was at work. They wouldn't eat until 9pm sometimes!

Tonight the youngest dc is out and DP not home yet. DD15 is far more chilled about dinner so I haven't even decided if I am going to cook, let alone what. She will happily survive on snacks, salad and 'bits' like cheese, ham, crackers, nuts etc so it is a rare treat. Plus I dropped the ball last week and did a 'random' online order rather than meal Plan because I ran out of time!

Perhaps I'll Just have a liquid dinner

It's Friday night. Liquid dinner sounds good. Waiting for dh to come with wine!

I've only ONCE asked "what do you fancy for dinner?"
"Something simple; how about lasagne?"
FFS - not a simple meal so I said no & never asked again.
Adults & children get what they are given - it's much easier to decide what to cook than pander to someone else.

Meal planning/shopping/cooking is the bane of my life!

I ask for suggestions and just get the usual "i dont mind/whatever/anything is fine" Three nights this week I have made dinners that DH has half heartedly eaten and then told me after that he didn't really fancy it so this weekend i am batch cooking so I can take biggish lunches to eat in work next week and then ill be having toasties for dinner and he can forage for dinner in the garden for all I care!

I reckon this is why older people lose weight or exist purely on tiny snacks - they've just burned out from thinking about this stuff for decades.

I remember my grandparents, in their mid 80s, always going to the same local restaurant/diner and having the same order, for years. I reckon my Grandma had had enough ‘adventures with cooking’ by then.

@snowdropsandcrocuses

Perhaps I'll Just have a liquid dinner

Chin chin!

I meant they went there every single day for dinner (around 5.00 PM for the Early Bird Special).

Oh God I hear you.

I have one DH who works mostly at home. Three teenage children. Oldest is a student, but all his lectures are online. Other two at school. I do freelance work at home and and am in my second year of a masters.

And it's STILL my job to decide what's for tea every fucking night.