To feel upset that nanny said..

[Purplelemon7]

That my child’s speech delay is down to me not taking him out enough to interact with people. She proceeded to tell me it’s ok and she was the same when her kids were young and her husband was out working and she had no one to interact with. Strange comparison as I’m not a SAHM but I do work from home. I didn’t say anything at the time but it annoys me because he’s at nursery part time and part time with her (whilst I work full time) and on the weekends we pretty much always have something on at least on one day.

Upset seems a strange reaction, I'd feel annoyed or angry, depending on how blunt she was. Surely the answer is 'that's what we pay you to do'.

I think the nanny is projecting her own situation into you to make herself feel better. She just hasn’t realised that what she’s doing!

ie “I (as in the nanny) messed up by not taking my kids out enough and you are doing the same but that’s ok as I did it too and I feel less if a prick now I know I’m not the only one”.

Add to that a bit of “keep employing me as I’m the reason your child is progressing” perhaps she’s after a wage rise too!

However I think the reality is more that children develop at their own pace, lockdown’s been hard on us all, and don’t worry as children will catch up and it will all be ok.

I don’t think the fact she’s not sussed what’s going on in her own head is reason to fire her. But it’s always an option if you feel she’s not bright enough to make sensible judgements over your child’s welfare when in her care if there have been any previous concerns. If not I’d let her continue.

Is she also a qualified speech and language therapist? If not, how does she know? There are lots of reasons for developmental delay in speech: rapid development in another area can delay it, so can being part of a bilingual family or living in a country other than that of the native parent's speech. (Doesn't cause long term delay, just more to process which can slow initial speech). There could be lots of reasons. If you are worried, check it with a professional.

@nc4565

Ignore her.

I'm a SAHM, my first DC needed speech therapy, my second DC was speaking full sentences at age 2. Every child is different.

My cousin had a different experience mega-years ago, her third son was very slow speaking. She was asked about the dynamics within the family, if the older ones asked for some snack did they all get one? Of course she said. That's his problem, he doesn't need to speak, so she stopped doing this and it sorted itself within a couple of months.

Is your nanny also a speech therapist?

Why does she imagine she knows more about your child's speech than you, his own mother?

You say you felt it was rude and judgemental of her to say what she did, them your husband called her simple! You lidt any high ground there.
Have you actually sat her down and spoken to her about how all-enckmpassing your job is, even though you're at home, so she can have a better understanding of the situation? You could also go over your expectations of her; taking your child out x times a week etc etc

She’s worked with us for a few months and was trying to suggest any improvements he has made in speech are down to her and nursery and the delay is down to us

Then next time she makes an asinine remark about DC's speech, point this out to her.

I spoke to my DS, although he spent his second 6 months in a spanish speaking country, then we moved in with ex's parents so he had up to 4 adults talking to him, and still he was if not delayed, definitely a lot slower to talk than other kids. (I almost suspect that 4 adults meant that every whim was catered for before he had to ask, so there was no motivation!)

Later end of normal is still normal. If there are issues, then expert therapy is needed. If there are no issues, then your child just finds other things more interesting than talking, and they'll get there.

DS1 didn't say a word until gone 1 year, didn't say much more than a few words (and no sentences) until well gone 2. These days you struggle to shut him up.

People always make comparisons from their own lives and apply it (correctly or incorrectly) to other's. I wouldn't take this personally. She has just observed something and made a comparison with her kid. Also, because she used herself as an example it is a way of saying "its okay, it just happens ... but now I know how to deal with it and want to help you get the best start for your kid".

Don't sack her based on this one thing – just address the issue. Tell her that what she said upset you and that the assessment was unfair (because of your above stated reasons) and maybe also not supported by research. She only sees how you act on weekdays when you are working not on weekends when you full time parent so its a bit unfair.

Also, why did you get upset? Is there a bit of truth to what she is saying? Could the child benefit from increased child-child interaction. Instead of blaming you maybe the nanny needs to step up here and help provide that on days that SHE is looking after you DC.

As a first time mum I do recognise that I found it tricky initially to chat to my kid in a natural way. And I'm sure by the second child we will have the benefit of us chatting with the sibling and being better at chatting with the kid.

@Westerman

You say you felt it was rude and judgemental of her to say what she did, them your husband called her simple! You lidt any high ground there. Have you actually sat her down and spoken to her about how all-enckmpassing your job is, even though you're at home, so she can have a better understanding of the situation? You could also go over your expectations of her; taking your child out x times a week etc etc

Westerman, OP doesn't lose any high ground for feeling that somebody has rudely judged her. Neither does her DH lose any for pointing out what a lot of PP are also thinking - this nanny is a bit thick.

You obviously also think the nanny is a bit thick, as you have advised the OP to explain to her what OP having a job means ...

Ex nanny here - deeply unprofessional AND incorrect! Not her place to judge or criticise.

I'd be looking for another nanny if I were you. Neither you nor dh seem to be completely comfortable with her and I can understand why

She's talking utter nonsense it's far more complex than that.

Now that I’ve been thinking about it I think she’s trying to show her value in a weird sort of way. She’s often critical of our nursery (which we think is fantastic) eg because they don’t provide daily photos/obs and only do it once a week or don’t do certain activities that she used to at her old workplace. She’s really good with the children so I’d be reluctant to let her go but it’s a real shame that she feels the need to criticise others as it makes me uncomfortable.

Then at the very least tell her so and tell her it needs to stop.

You can do this as gently as you like at least initially but still be clear that it's not her place to criticise or even offer unasked for advice

Definitely don’t fire her because of Mumsnet. Wherher it’s a man, a job, a plan, a nanny - Mumsnet would always tell you “runaway OP”

It was one comment. Put it in perspective. If he goes to nursery I expect he gets lots of language there, unless it’s a bad nursery.

He does need people to narrate what they’re doing in front of him, like a stream of consciousness “Now let’s get the bread, oo where is the bread, look here is the bread in the bread cupboard, can you say bread? Buh, buh, bread.” Instruct the nanny to do this 😈

@Purplelemon7

Now that I’ve been thinking about it I think she’s trying to show her value in a weird sort of way. She’s often critical of our nursery (which we think is fantastic) eg because they don’t provide daily photos/obs and only do it once a week or don’t do certain activities that she used to at her old workplace. She’s really good with the children so I’d be reluctant to let her go but it’s a real shame that she feels the need to criticise others as it makes me uncomfortable.

That is unusual. I have always known only daily updates / obs for children that age. As a nursery professional that would worry me too because many failing or problematic nurseries try to hide failings by not providing daily obs

@Ozanj we get a few obs from the week all at once on a Friday whereas her old nursery used to make them send at least 4 obs per child per day. Apparently Ofsted are encouraging staff to move away from iPads and spend more time with the children which we prefer!

I'd sack her for that comment.
All DC do different things at different times.

Well I think I her own perhaps clumsy way she was trying to reassure you.
Your husband implying she's "special" is awful. Does he think she has special needs and is putting her down because of it?
Not everyone can have high flying "clever" jobs.
You sound overly sensitive and your husband sounds like an intellectual snob!

@ChristmasFluff Childminders are Ofsted inspected childcare professionals who are required to meet the same standards as a nursery or preschool.

She's wrong. I had a child with a serious speech and language disorder. A few people tried to suggestthanks MIL that it was because she didn't get out enough. Speech therapists disagreed. The most important thing in speech development is 1-1 interaction, not meeting different people snd not being with other children.

OP, you've said that you've not been wfh without childcare - but was there a period during lockdown with closed nurseries where you were trying to do that?

My dc are older but I had a horrible time of trying to do this with closed schools and wraparound care and being unable to meet their social and educational needs and work too. I feel terribly guilty about it, but that's just how it was.

I can imagine with younger children there could be a big impact on their speech and language development.

This is just to say - if that was the case, possibly she has some point - though has phrased it insensitively. And possibly you are feeling a little defensive about it. But that's just the way things were and you are doing all the right things now with nursery and nanny and speech and language therapy. If you're otherwise happy with her, then perhaps try to accept that she's just phrased this badly and move on.

@somethinginthewater

She's wrong. I had a child with a serious speech and language disorder. A few people tried to suggestthanks MIL that it was because she didn't get out enough. Speech therapists disagreed. The most important thing in speech development is 1-1 interaction, not meeting different people snd not being with other children.

I had lots of snide comments with my DC re their speech. Upset me a lot at the time as I was very anxious when they were small and had tried incredibly hard to do everything 'properly'. Both of them were diagnosed with verbal dyspraxia, DC2's issues were compounded by severe glue ear leading to fairly significant hearing loss. Fuck all to do with my parenting.

My eldest spoke in sentences at 18 months and he went to one group a week, if that. Youngest is speech delayed and I work a lot less than I did with the eldest. I have spoken to s&LT and the first interventions they suggest are to happen at home, not at groups when quieter children like my littlest can easily quietly play with a toy in the corner. He has plenty interaction from his chatterbox big brother so the most important think I can do just now if spend time just me and him modelling speech and giving him time and reason to talk.

Also..she would have to be the worlds best nanny for me continue to employ someone who undermined my parenting.

@Schoolchoicesucks no I’ve never tried to work and look after him, during lockdown I was on maternity leave. Granted during that period we didn’t go out and interact with lots of people but that’s hardly my fault.