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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask DH to cook/prepare a meal one day a week?

112 replies

BubblinTrouble · 08/10/2021 09:38

I am currently on maternity leave and at the moment doing all of the cooking and cleaning whilst looking after DD. This is fine for now as I appreciate I am at home and when DD is napping I can get bits done. At the moment I will be prepping 2 different meals - DD and I will eat the same thing but DH will want something else. It’s frustrating and I won’t lie I feel resentful that he’ll swan in and have lunch prepped for him. Probably me being unreasonable - so let me know if I am on this one.

I’ve asked DH if he can take responsibility for one meal at the weekend. He says he won’t cook and doesn’t want to. I’ve said he can get a takeaway twice a month as we’re trying to be healthy and money wise. But he won’t do this either. His mum was a SAHM and his sister and SILs are too. I don’t know if this has impacted his outlook.

He’s pretty hands on with everything else… he cleans dishes, makes bottles, feeds the cats, loads washing from time to time, put clothes away. Most of the time I have to tell him to do some thing and he’ll do it. It’s just cooking he won’t do at all. AIBU to ask him to take over one lunch at the weekend?? It would be nice to have a meal prepped for me once that’s all.

OP posts:
Crunchingleaf · 08/10/2021 09:44

YANBU especially if expected to have something different for your husband. I do majority of cooking in this house as I finish work earlier and if you don’t eat what I make then it’s tough luck. DP is not confident in the kitchen so prefers to get us the odd takeaway to give me a break.

MinaPop · 08/10/2021 09:46

This wouldn't work for me. For me, there is something about cooking for each other which represents caring and providing. Nourishing each other maybe? It's hard to explain, but I think it's different to cleaning, laundry, DIY etc.

Is it that he doesn't know how to cook? He might feel inferior? If so, could you suggest cooking together at weekends? Pour a glass of wine first, pick things which are fun and easy, and enjoy it together?

MammaBear18 · 08/10/2021 09:46

I do majority of the cooking as I'm on maternity leave but I would never cook DH something different. If he wants a different meal, he can make it himself.

MattyGroves · 08/10/2021 09:47

At some point, won't you want to go away without him and your child? How would he feed your child?

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 08/10/2021 09:49

Why won't your DH eat the same food as you and your DD?

NoSquirrels · 08/10/2021 09:50

My DH, who isn’t the best cook, took over every Friday night when I was on maternity leave and learned how to cook some excellent meals - steak done just right, plus I’ve chips & salad, stuff like that. He has to start learning otherwise you’ll be doomed to prep Every Fucking Meal Ever for the rest of time and believe me, that gets old fast.

What was the chore split before you went on maternity leave?

He’s pretty hands on with everything else… he cleans dishes, makes bottles, feeds the cats, loads washing from time to time, put clothes away. Most of the time I have to tell him to do some thing and he’ll do it. It’s just cooking he won’t do at all.

What about the rest of the cleaning, the admin side of life (vets appointments, etc)?

Do you plan to go back to work?

RealMermaid · 08/10/2021 09:50

Lol why on earth are you cooking him a separate meal? Stop doing that straight off the bat. He can have what you're having or he can cook for himself if he wants something else. And of course you're not being unreasonable asking him to cook once a week, it's pretty ridiculous that he won't even prep a lunch for you.

NoSquirrels · 08/10/2021 09:51

And yeah, stop cooking him something separate. Blimey! He wants different he makes it himself, surely? You’re not his mum…

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 08/10/2021 09:51

Easy solution, stop making separate meals for him. Honestly, that's not a good use of your time. Just say no!

DifferentHair · 08/10/2021 09:52

Stop cooking him a special meal for a start.

NoSquirrels · 08/10/2021 09:52

He says he won’t cook and doesn’t want to. I’ve said he can get a takeaway twice a month as we’re trying to be healthy and money wise. But he won’t do this either.

If you stop feeding him, will he starve? Confused

lastqueenofscotland · 08/10/2021 09:53

Christ stop cooking him something else that’s a madness

CanofCant · 08/10/2021 09:53

So he can't be arsed isn't able to feed himself? He won't even make himself a sandwich to take the pressure off you?

YABU for even thinking YABU! Don't fall into the trap of doing 'everything' while you are on maternity. He won't appreciate it and you will be expected to continue doing it all alongside going back to work. You shouldn't have to ask him to do household jobs either, surely if something needs to be done he sees it and does it?

NotMyCat · 08/10/2021 09:55

Stop cooking him different food! You're not a short order cook
If he lived alone he would have to feed himself, and he's a grown adult who can work out how to make food, even if it's beans on toast

middleager · 08/10/2021 09:55

This needs nipping in the bud now.

I would go one step further than telling him to cook his own meal, I would tell him he needs to cook a meal for all of you the weekend.

Shirleyphallus · 08/10/2021 09:55

I can’t believe people live like this. Of course you’re not being unreasonable!

TidyDancer · 08/10/2021 09:56

I really don't understand why you're cooking him a separate meal.

TumtumTree · 08/10/2021 10:00

As it sounds like he's hands on in other ways I wouldn't normally mind doing the cooking if he really hates it, except for the bit about him eating different food from you and DD. That's ridiculous! Either he eats the same as you or he cooks for himself.

Also, he sounds like he's not very flexible. If he can just refuse to do something, with no further discussion, then so can you!

Wondergirl100 · 08/10/2021 10:00

That's horrible OP he is saying he doesn't care at how much work you have.

When I was on mat leave my husband did MORE cooking because he knew I was exhausted and focused on baby. Babys nap time is also the only break you get all day.

Looking after the BABY is why you are on mat leave - you aren't a SAHM. My view of SAHM is someone with older children choosing not to work who therefore has time to cook and clean.

seriously selfish. I remember my DH leaving me lunch that he would make the night before so I didn't have to make my own!

SpindleWhirl · 08/10/2021 10:00

What would happen to you if you said No to making him a separate meal? Would he sulk? Punish you in some way? Shout? Hurt you? Moan and cry? Ring his mum? I've seen it all on here.

He's already refused a perfectly generous compromise from you, so I'd go hard-core on him. 'I no longer have the time or the inclination to prepare separate meals for you. Sort yourself out with a sandwich or something.' And that's still a reasonable position to hold, you know.

NorthSouthcatlady · 08/10/2021 10:00

As my mum would say when l was a child “this isn’t a restaurant”. It’s confusing he thinks he lives in a restaurant. I would knock this on the head ASAP. Everyone eats the same and he does some cooking, plus takes the initiative instead of treating you like a project manager. He’s taking the piss and needs to step up. Let me guess; he thinks it’s best you don’t go back to work or you do everything you did on maternity leave PLUS everything you do now

TumtumTree · 08/10/2021 10:01

100% YANBU! Not sure I've ever seen that before!

WellLarDeDar · 08/10/2021 10:03

If he won't cook but will do other things can you ask him to pick up more slack elsewhere? (Yanbu I'm just suggesting another compromise.)

PinkSyCo · 08/10/2021 10:07

You’re expected to make him his lunch and his dinner every day? And different meals to what you and your DD are having too? Fuck that! I would be cooking his dinner for him only, and if he didn’t like what I was making he would be getting his own. On weekends I would definitely expect him to take over providing at least one meal too, whether that be him cooking, buying dinner out or a takeaway.

BlairWaldorfLovesShopping · 08/10/2021 10:16

Wow, I can't imagine my DH asking me to do something and me saying "I won't" full stop. (He knows that doing the bins is 100% his job atm as I'm heavily pregnant and pulling a wheelie bin exacerbates my pelvic pain, but normally we share that.) If your DH doesn't even give a reason for saying no then he's a dickhead. And this is why I make my DH share the maternity leave with me... then he can't get used to me doing more in the house for months without appreciating what it's like himself. We have always and will always share the cooking though.