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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask DH to cook/prepare a meal one day a week?

112 replies

BubblinTrouble · 08/10/2021 09:38

I am currently on maternity leave and at the moment doing all of the cooking and cleaning whilst looking after DD. This is fine for now as I appreciate I am at home and when DD is napping I can get bits done. At the moment I will be prepping 2 different meals - DD and I will eat the same thing but DH will want something else. It’s frustrating and I won’t lie I feel resentful that he’ll swan in and have lunch prepped for him. Probably me being unreasonable - so let me know if I am on this one.

I’ve asked DH if he can take responsibility for one meal at the weekend. He says he won’t cook and doesn’t want to. I’ve said he can get a takeaway twice a month as we’re trying to be healthy and money wise. But he won’t do this either. His mum was a SAHM and his sister and SILs are too. I don’t know if this has impacted his outlook.

He’s pretty hands on with everything else… he cleans dishes, makes bottles, feeds the cats, loads washing from time to time, put clothes away. Most of the time I have to tell him to do some thing and he’ll do it. It’s just cooking he won’t do at all. AIBU to ask him to take over one lunch at the weekend?? It would be nice to have a meal prepped for me once that’s all.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 08/10/2021 10:18

Then he eats what you cook. He's not allergic or a baby.

Starlight39 · 08/10/2021 10:19

Who cooked before you were on maternity leave? You say "won't" rather than "can't"? Why won't he agree to get takeaway twice a month?

Either way, YANBU at all. I agree with PP who have said there is something caring about having food prepared for you. Also, I'd definitely stop making him special meals and do meals you can all eat. But he should still cook once a week (at the very least!).

GCAcademic · 08/10/2021 10:22

What a selfish man. Order yourself a takeaway once a week. If he won't cook and won't eat takeaway, then he just won't be eating will he?

tigerbear · 08/10/2021 10:22

What @PinkSyCo said. Fuck that shit!!!
What are you, his servant/chef???

Fizbosshoes · 08/10/2021 10:23

YANBU

However my DH likes cooking but thinks he's a TV chef appears to need at least half of all kitchen utensils even for a sandwich or salad and leaves ingredients and mess everywhere, which is almost as annoying as having to cook myself!

honeylulu · 08/10/2021 10:23

No you aren't unreasonable. He "won't" even order a takeaway. If you stopped preparing food for him he would bloody well have to! If you upped and left him he would have to!

The making him different meals is ridiculous! My teenage son is vegan (the rest of us aren't). Sometimes I cook vegan or do a vegan variation alongside which isn't much extra work but if I don't then I am NOT cooking two meals and he cooks his own. It has never even occurred to him to object because that is how it is or he can go hungry.

I would say (a) from now on I am cooking one meal, take it or leave it and (b) you must provide a meal for the family once a week because cooking seems to be my "job" and everyone needs a break from their job.

What is his block about cooking? Some men refuse to contemplate it because they see it as "women's work" and emasculating but if he cleans and does other household chores that isn't really it. My friend's husband was a SAHD for years but refused to cook because he had sensory issues and couldn't bear even the thought of getting anything wet/sticky on his fingers. It was a pain for friend but at least there was a reason.

BecauseMyRingBurnsSheila · 08/10/2021 10:23

I like the idea of telling him all this different food prep is taking its toll on you so you'll now be moving to one meal type a day. He's welcome to eat the same as you but you will no longer be making different ones. You had hoped the solution would be him doing one at the weekend but as that's not possible you'll have to change your meal prep habits.

CanofCant · 08/10/2021 10:23

It's also very fucking unattractive.

Shoxfordian · 08/10/2021 10:25

Why won’t he eat the same as you? Tell him he has to make his own if he’s not going to want it

Gardenlass · 08/10/2021 10:31

I don't understand why you can't both eat the same meal. Do you have vastly different preferences? Does he have allergies? Is he vegetarian?

Muttly · 08/10/2021 10:34

OP your DH is an adult and part of adulting is looking after your own basic needs, feeding yourself etc. Your DH doesn’t get a support human past childhood to take care of these needs for him unless you foolishly choose to take on that role.

Are you going back to work? Is he planning on continuing in this child mode forever when you do? If there is not an agreement in place where you are a homemaker/child carer and he provides via paid work then this has to be dealt with or it will just get worse. Balance in families can take on many forms but that is negotiated between the partners not dictated by one partner.

My suggestion is to go on strike and feed yourself and your DD and don’t feed him.

If he doesn’t ever step up, don’t have another child with him as clearly it is best to leave having children to fully formed adults.

CeceJoyce · 08/10/2021 10:39

Even if he can’t cook it takes five minutes to rustle up some nice sandwiches, a salad/crisps on the side… or heating up a nice soup and cut up some fresh bread. Maybe he’s thinking you want him to make something a bit difficult or fancy? Does he ever make food at all?

oliveroses · 08/10/2021 10:40

What @Wondergirl100 said. You are on mat leave to look after the baby, not do housework.

This is the problem with the lack of better paternity leave, I think. It sets up this major inequality at the start of new family life with the baby if you take on the lions share of cooking etc just because you are around the house more, and it will persist for years. It's totally unfair. When the baby is napping you need to nap yourself or unwind. I am on maternity leave and I do understand. But you have to protect your time so that you have the energy to look after your baby. And to enjoy the time you have, if you plan to go back to work!

And your DH should not be getting a different meal. Absolutely no way! If he doesn't want what you are having he needs to take responsibility for his own meals or better still the family's. Why some men think they can behave like this is beyond me, like having two babies in the house Confused

Wondergirl100 · 08/10/2021 10:45

As @oliveroses says - I think there is an important point here about what a man 'understand's about a day spent with a baby - particularly a baby so small they have to be carried and cared for all day.

Has he ever spent all day with the baby without you there?

I really believe that as soon as possible (I know harder if BF) you tell him that he needs to know what it is like.

Even leaving him for a few hours, turn your phone off one sat morning and go for a walk - when you get back ask him if he would have bene able to cook two meals while looking after the baby.

honeylulu · 08/10/2021 10:45

Out of interest, what was the cooking arrangement before you went on maternity leave?
Did you share the cooking then? Did you eat the same meals or different ones? If different ones, did he do his own or expect you to?

girlmom21 · 08/10/2021 10:57

I'm on maternity leave. DP cooked our lunch and our tea yesterday. I'd made breakfast.

He does more than his fair share with cleaning/tidying. I do the vast majority of the childcare.

You're not off work to do all of his meals - especially when he won't even eat what you are. You're unreasonable to only expect one meal a week! He sounds like an arsehole.

VeganCheesePlease · 08/10/2021 11:00

What? You make him something different because he doesn't fancy what you're having?
He's not 12. If he wants something else he can make it himself!! I would honestly outright refuse to make something different for him

Newgirls · 08/10/2021 11:02

I don’t understand men/people who don’t cook. They can drive a car, work a computer etc but cooking is too tricky? Rubbish. It’s a sexist choice wanting/expecting to be waited on by a female.

TuftyMarmoset · 08/10/2021 11:10

100% stop making something different for him! And use the takeaway money to buy lunch for yourself.

Dixiechickonhols · 08/10/2021 11:10

Well it’s not sustainable. What would he do if he lived alone? He also needs to be capable of cooking/feeding child. Don’t fall into trap of always doing it or leaving them a packed lunch.
I’d cook one family friendly meal and it’s take it or leave it. Definitely get a hobby which spans a meal time and leave them to it once a week.
If you go into hospital tomorrow what would he do?
If he’s not a confident cook maybe he could try hello fresh etc.
Seriously don’t be a doormat.

hashbrownsandwich · 08/10/2021 11:13

Why are you cooking him something separate? If it's genuine allergies then maybe I could understand but otherwise that's madness and I say that as someone who has a meat/vegetarian set up in my house.

WorraLiberty · 08/10/2021 11:14

Anyone in my house who refuses to cook, doesn't get to eat.

Unless they want to make themselves a sandwich I suppose.

Happyfeet1972 · 08/10/2021 11:19

Hes ridiculous especially since you have to cook separately for him. I'd simply stop. One meal a week won't look so bad when he realises he has to do 7.

LittleOwl153 · 08/10/2021 11:23

I'd stop asking and start telling. Either he cooks once a week or you make 1 dish each mealtime and he eats it or doesn't.

To take the pressure off you I'd try and batch cook a bit - even if it's say a lasagne made in 2 dishes - one in the oven 1 in the freezer. Then you have a simple meal ready.

RJnomore1 · 08/10/2021 11:28

He eats what you eat or he makes his own. Ffs how do people put up with this!

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