Page 4 | to want him to just die?

pointythings · 08/10/2021 07:45

YAfullyNBU. I wished my late husband dead many times and he was far, far less bad than yours. Having those thoughts is human, normal and another coping strategy.

KloppsTeeth · 08/10/2021 07:46

YANBU at all.

EdgeOfTheSky · 08/10/2021 07:56

Why wouldn’t you wish that he didn’t exist? Wasn’t in the world?

Totally different from plotting to actually murder him.

Some people have very ‘prim’ ideas as to what is ‘tasteful’ to say without thinking deeply or empathetically.

It’s horrible, what happened to you, And what you are tormented with now. Really sorry. And I don’t care a jot if you wish him dead.

OhamIreally · 08/10/2021 08:30

@pointythings

YAfullyNBU. I wished my late husband dead many times and he was far, far less bad than yours. Having those thoughts is human, normal and another coping strategy.

Sounds like you got your wish?

OP wish away. There's a lot of evil people the world would be better off without.

pointythings · 08/10/2021 09:06

Ohamireally I did, and I've felt guilty about it in the past, but realistically he did it to himself - he was an alcoholic, he never stopped drinking even after moving out of the home with police involvement, and alcohol abuse is known to cause heart disease.

But while he was alive, he was always a worry in the back of my mind - what would happen if he died, how would our DDs cope, was he OK, why did I even care after everythign he did - it was a tangled up mess. I wanted him dead because I wanted an end point. And life became so much simpler when he died. I'm sad at the waste of the man he used to be and that will always be the case, but it's better this way.

AnneElliott · 08/10/2021 09:20

I wish people dead who haven't been half as awful as your ex op! I'll also add my wish to yours as he sounds like an absolute waste of space and oxygen.

HerrenaHarridan · 08/10/2021 09:28

Two of my friends had their absent father abusive exes kill themselves

Even comforting them in their grief I was thinking how lucky they were to be free of them.

Im an alright kinda person. Do my best to be ethical and kind

The only reason I wish he would die is so I wouldn’t have to live in fear anymore and that doesn’t make me (or you) nasty

FlatteredFool · 08/10/2021 09:38

I sometimes wish my ex wasn't here any more. I get the guilt though and it's daft because he tried and is still trying to destroy me. I think they should all be put on a hostile island somewhere and left to their own devices. Most would be dead within a week I reckon. I think what you're feeling is human and completely understandable
Do you have the ability to knit a voodoo doll or someone to do it for you? 😁 alternatively I find swingball great and I imagine the ball is his head.

TheChiefJo · 08/10/2021 09:48

I think everyone has these thoughts occasionally about someone or other. Those who claim not to are merely trained to feel immediately guilty and dismiss the thoughts, but that's not the same as never having the thought.

It is both a blessing and a curse that we don't really have the power to make things happen by wishing for them, so no point dwelling too much. Rather see it is a coping mechanism.

I once had to sit in an office with the bastard who was trying to take my youngest from me (my ex) and he was puffing away on his annoying vape thing. I visualised his ecig battery exploding in his face and his brain landing in the waste paper basket. It made that 30 minutes more bearable.

Babdoc · 08/10/2021 10:13

It is perfectly normal to wish a murderous abusive ex would die. If your friend knew the full story, they wouldn’t mouth sanctimonious platitudes at you.
But…
There is always a but, isn’t there! All that aggro and negativity is not good for your own wellbeing, and suggests that you are still not free of your abuser - he is living rent free in your head, occupying your thoughts and filling your life with rage.
It would be good if, as you heal, you can slowly move from murderous anger, through contempt, to indifference.
So that your ex no longer has the power to make you feel anything - he becomes as insignificant as a cockroach beneath your shoe.
It will take a lot of time, and possibly therapy, for you to be able to process your rage and get the bastard ex out of your head completely, but I think it’s worth the effort in the long term.
Making him an irrelevance that you no longer even think about, is a good way to disempower him, achieve closure, and move on to a happier life for yourself.
Please note that I do not mention forgiving him. Even God does not forgive, unless or until the sinner genuinely repents.
I only suggest trying to reach a place of peace and indifference, where his appalling behaviour in your past no longer casts a tainted shadow over your future.
Best wishes, OP.

pointythings · 08/10/2021 10:35

Babdoc a very sensible post - I still attend a support group for relatives of addicts because it helps me work toward the peace I need to really let him go. I'd advise anyone dealing with an abusive/addict/otherwise awful ex partner to seek out therapy, counselling or any support that will help bring real peace of mind and freedom from the abuser. This as in being able to not let them have headspace. That support can be religious or secular - whatever works for you.

Original poster

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/10/2021 10:38

She is the sweetest kindest person I know, there was no malice in what she said. She has a very strong faith and I think that she worries about me wishing ill on someone and that ill being visited on me.

Its been a struggle really over the last few days.

In most ways I have broken free but he called me a couple of days ago regarding something he booked pre pandemic that has been rescheduled for a weekend he is due to see DD. I agreed to the change immediately because, I can see having thought about it, that I am conditioned to do that, saying no to him is still something I struggle with out of fear. So I was already cross with myself and then my friend said that and it sort of compounded my feelings of frustration and anger at myself.

I hold no ill feelings towards her at all and in fact I envy her faith as she forgives far better than I do!

OP posts:

Geamhradh · 08/10/2021 10:39

I remember
YANBU

MintyGreenDream · 08/10/2021 10:40

I wished someone dead once and they did die but I didn't mean it and felt awful that it coincidentally happened.I your case though I hope your wish comes true op

RaisedByPangolins · 08/10/2021 10:43

Not unreasonable at all. Sorry you’ve had to go through all of that and that your friend isn’t supportive. And for all of you who have experienced abuse.

FWIW I wished someone would die once (had done something similar to someone I love) - I said to my then DH “I wish he’d just bloody die”. The next day I had a call from the person he’d abused telling me he’d had a sudden heart attack in the night and died. I felt both terrible guilt and a little bit elated to think I had the power! I can put a hex on yours too if you want me to

pointythings · 08/10/2021 11:03

Forgiveness is valuable, but only if it contributes to your wellbeing.

DrSbaitso · 08/10/2021 11:24

I've had several people wish me dead. They're all dead now.

DrSbaitso · 08/10/2021 11:28

Sorry OP, I didn't intend that as any comment towards your situation, was just prompted into thinking it by the conversation. As before, I don't think you're doing anything wrong. Wishing someone dead doesn't cause it to happen, unlike actually attempting to murder someone like this piece of shit did to you. As a PP said, forgiveness is only really valuable for the benefit to you. Few people would judge you for how you feel towards this shit stain of a person.

FluffyWhiteBird · 08/10/2021 11:37

You're not weak for agreeing OP. I still sometimes panic if I say No to someone who isn't him! Sorry you have to so co-parenting with him. That's rotten. I hope it's a silver lining that DD doesn't have to spend time with him that week.

PicsInRed · 08/10/2021 11:42

She is the sweetest kindest person I know, there was no malice in what she said. She has a very strong faith and I think that she worries about me wishing ill on someone and that ill being visited on me.

She sounds self absorbed, very concerned about her own "niceness" and potentially unable to support another person with real empathy and understanding for that person's individual experience.

Is her friendship helpful to you at all?

HesterAndPearlInBrightSunshine · 08/10/2021 11:52

You are angry, which is healthy! You wishing him dead is a sign that your anger is overwhelming perhaps but it's a necessary step in your healing. You are angry on behalf of the person you were, you, the victim of his actions. You are angry at the way justice was not served on your behalf. You are not at the forgiving stage. May never be and it's ok. Don't repress that anger, don't feel guilty for hating him- just don't get consumed by it.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 08/10/2021 18:20

I wish him dead too.

I wish my psycho ex dead often and every time I think of him I say a silent prayer wishing pain on him. Not just death. Actual pain.
And I'm not a Bad person.

X

Whenigrowupiwanttobea · 08/10/2021 18:30

Your so called friend obviously has no idea of the hell you went through! Death is a release though. I would wish him an incurable intense lifelong itch in his scrotum!

MatildaTheCat · 08/10/2021 18:36

Fantasy I’d part of the human psyche and a powerful tool. Of course you wish him dead and all sorts of suffering. That’s no reflection on you, more on his monstrous behaviour.

So yes, give yourself a bit of time to indulge in some gruesome death scenes- some posters on here can definitely help. Then try very gently to wrap him up ( mentally obviously) and send him far, far away. No head space available for such pond scum.

It’s very unfortunate if he still has to be in contact for child contact, is there any way of doing this through a third party? If not perhaps insist on email only and have a separate account that you don’t see all the time. Gives you more time to refuse his demands, too.

Your friend is fine. She didn’t get this or was trying to be helpful. Accept her for what she is and use the armchair psychopaths on here 😊

SammyScrounge · 08/10/2021 18:38

@PyongyangKipperbang

Some of you will know my history but for those that dont...

horrifically abusive ex, attempted murder of me that didnt get to court thanks to a police fuck up. Had a trigger moment today that has left me in pieces. Spoke to a "friend" who said that I shoudlnt wish him dead as that is horrible thing to wish on anyone.

AIBU.

I'd say you were quite restrained, actually.She has no idea how you must feel about his failed murder attempt on you. Don't bother with someone like her.