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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want him to just die?

114 replies

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/10/2021 01:34

Some of you will know my history but for those that dont...

horrifically abusive ex, attempted murder of me that didnt get to court thanks to a police fuck up. Had a trigger moment today that has left me in pieces. Spoke to a "friend" who said that I shoudlnt wish him dead as that is horrible thing to wish on anyone.

AIBU.

OP posts:
SinoohXaenaHide · 08/10/2021 05:22

She hasn't walked in your shoes, and neither have I or anyone else om this thread. Only you know what you have been through. The feelings you have adter having experienced what you have are valid, no one gets to tell you not to feel the way you do.

Your friend was being insensitive, but probably meant well and spoke out of concern for your own wellbeing not his. It's a valid viewpoint to believe that harbouring hatred and resentment towards those who have wronged us does more harm to the hater than to the hated. However, there's a big difference between promoting that viewpoint where someone's ex is just a "normal" level of bastard (cheating, lying, lazy and unappreciative for example) where they can't actually harm you further once the relationship ends, vs your situation where he actually tried to kill you and his ongoing existence is a genuine ongoing source of distress and fear to you. Your friend didn't understand that the hatm is still ongoing for you. But it's not your job to give her lessons in emotional literacy and sensitivity. You don't need to set her straight and you don't need her permission or approval for your feelings. You are ok.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2021 06:18

I see you around a lot too. Your friend has possibly never truly suffered greatly. Or if she has, she is hiding it from herself. Please take no heed. Your feelings and emotions are the right ones for you. Don’t deny them. They’re a fantasy rather than a reality. Flowers

Crikey @Munchysox Flowers

2018SoFarSoGreat · 08/10/2021 06:34

@PyongyangKipperbang i hope you have savored the many ways karma can come bite his ass, and I too hope it does. He's a snake, or a snail, or a toad. To be detested and sent all the bad wishes one can muster.

I'm glad your friend is lovely and did not mean to trigger you. I hope you can help her understand why it did, one day. For now, just swear here with us!

mylovelydd · 08/10/2021 06:35

I wish him dead too.

Massive hugs to you @PyongyangKipperbang @Munchysox and anyone else on this thread and mn who needs one Flowers

PurBal · 08/10/2021 06:41

I wouldn’t wish him dead because he doesn’t deserve that amount of energy spent on him.

Obvsnamechanger · 08/10/2021 06:42

When people haven't been through what you've been through they just don't get it.

I wished my abuser dead numerous times. And then he did die. I do feel guilt for having those feelings but the sense of freedom is immense. Counseling helped me see both of these feelings are perfectly valid. As yours certainly are.

Zombielandand · 08/10/2021 06:46

I’d want him dead too. I’m sorry for what he has put you through.
Your friend is wrong I’m afraid, and clearly cannot imagine the torment behind your experiences.
X

Owleti · 08/10/2021 06:48

Over time, I went from wishing someone dead in every way possible, to wishing they'd had a happier childhood and had been a happier kinder person etc.

This wasn't for them, it was for me. It helped me personally in my head to feel less filled with venomous rage about them, and replaced it with a quieter sense of pity for their excuse of a life. But it took years (and I'm not suggesting that others should want or need to reframe thoughts like that).

I wonder if your friend said something less out of worry for him and his fate, and more out of wishing that you felt better somehow?

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 08/10/2021 06:48

If I could have a pound for every time I wished my Ex dead I would be loaded!

He tried to kill me too. If I hadn't seen him behind me with a lump of wood in his hands, reflected in a window, I would be dead and I think he has killed people before when I analyse situations and things others have said.

You are only human. The friend that said what she said is just lucky she has never had to endure what you have, that's all.

irishoak · 08/10/2021 06:50

My favourite daydream about my abusive ex these days is getting a knock on the door from the police who tell me I need to identify a body. After all those times of threatening to kill himself to scare and manipulate me into doing what he wanted, in my daydream he's finally bloody done it. In my daydream I would check that it's him and finally know that it's all over forever and that I'm safe from him at last.

So no, I don't think it's a horrible thing for you to think at all!

HelloDulling · 08/10/2021 06:56

I’m sorry he’s not, OP.

My mum was in an abusive relationship for more than 20 years. We found out this week he was having a heart operation and I genuinely spend the day hoping he would die in surgery. Alas it was not to be.

I don’t wish anyone else dead, but I’d rejoice at his funeral.

Bogeyes · 08/10/2021 06:56

Don't blame you and I hope you get your wish!

Choochi · 08/10/2021 07:03

Glad you know your friend is on your side. I have wished someone dead, she didn't attempt to kill me though. But I know she wishes me and my kids nothing good. She's caused decades long hatred, emotional and physical suffering to many in my family, especially a parent of mine. But when she's nearly dying, I don't feeling like forgiving her but am sorry that I wished her dead and I take it back. I've been feeling bad that I wished her dead and now she could have an untimely death. I know that she'll be the same if she recovers by some miracle but still I don't want to be responsible for my wish in the past if it came true.

Orgasmagorical · 08/10/2021 07:05

PyongyangKipperbang and others who have been in similar situations, I totally understand why you would wish that. I thought it was the only way I would be able to get away from my ex, the number of times I would wake up in the morning hoping he wouldn't.

He came back a couple of times after he'd left and on one occasion he actually put the back of his hand to his forehead and dramatically exlaimed "It would have been better for everyone if I had just died!". I thought 'Well yes, it would' but all I said was "Oh, Richard". He maybe thought it was a sympathetic "Oh Richard" but I was just embarrassed for him. What an ARSEHOLE Grin

Bloody hell, Munchysox Flowers

toothpicklover · 08/10/2021 07:05

What you want is him paralysed from the neck down, unable to speak and to have abusive caters 24/7. Death is too good for some people.

toothpicklover · 08/10/2021 07:05

Carer’s not caters!!

LadyLolaRuben · 08/10/2021 07:24

Well OP, let's hope the delay in karma is an accumulation of it building up to be a slow and painful death

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 08/10/2021 07:28

You’re entitled to your feelings, OP. It will be good when you can just drop him from your thoughts altogether; he doesn’t deserve one second of your attention. I hope you are safe from him and never have to think about him again.

Watchingyouwazowski · 08/10/2021 07:30

I understand how you feel. I’ve had similar feelings myself about a similar situation and often feel so guilty for having those thoughts. But when he’s been abusive and somehow appears to be the victim, I need a sensible way to deal with it; so imagining various death scenarios stops me over reacting to his behaviour! Luckily for me my friends have been willing supporters.
Have seen you on here lots with advice for everyone. You are an awesome person and I love your user name.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 08/10/2021 07:34

I felt the same about my ex husband of 40 years ago OP, not only cruel and viloent but put me and my DS though a 5 year court ordeal for custody, he lost as the judge was concerned about his persistently and the disruption to DS life - took him 5 years to decide that!!!!
Wasn't allowed to see DS or me again.
DS now 40, I've had zero contact with ex since then and suddenly while I was away for the weekend with friends a message from him popped up on messenger via facebook, same old nasty shit. DS won't speak to me because of you blah blah.
I didn't give him the benefit of a reply just blocked him straight off and thought why don't you just fucking die already it's been 40 years.

PurpleFlower1983 · 08/10/2021 07:42

YANBU at all.

StewPots · 08/10/2021 07:43

Also had an abusive ex I want dead. I’ve imagined all sorts of ways I’d like him to die - he didn’t just treat me badly but many many other people ( ripping off vulnerable, mostly elderly, people ). No police comeuppance at all. No arrests or charges. So now he lives the life of Riley with the woman he cheated on me with, even setting up her business - no doubt with money he’s stolen off some poor person!

So wish away. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through. I’ve found it’s like my mind needs to imagine these things in order to let go of what he did - whether that’s true or not I’ve no idea, I just go with it. My favourite scenario is a firey death in his shit van after smashing it into a tree ( frequently drink drives - again no police action there either - so that’s a high possibility and I always envision he’s alone on the road! )

Don’t let your friend make you feel bad and sending lots of love your way.

SofiaMichelle · 08/10/2021 07:44

Your 'friend' is a fucking idiot, OP.

Why on earth do some people think you should be a martyr to misery in order to not be 'horrible'?

Or the people who say "don't speak ill of the dead..." no matter who the dead person is - I heard someone say it about it about Jimmy Saville, FFS!

You are perfectly entitled to wish your cunt of an ex dead, OP.

DrSbaitso · 08/10/2021 07:44

Wish it all you like. It doesn't make it happen and he doesn't deserve your saintly thoughts.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 08/10/2021 07:45

I wouldn't wish him dead. Only because I would become irrationally convinced that I'm tempting fate and someone I don't want to die would die.

You're entitled to feel however you feel. No one has a right to tell you otherwise.

Be on your own side, no one else ever will be completely.

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