To be angry at my parents for not reporting? Trigger Warning.

[RollonFridayPlease]

Hi,

I'm in my mid 30's and have always struggled with my MH. Mostly in the form of anxiety and intrusive thoughts. It all began in my early teens, but looking back, I was always quite an anxious child.

Anyway, when I was about 14, I was possibly at my lowest and was no longer attending school full time and was being home schooled...sort of. It was actually a bit of a nightmare and on the days my parents were working, I would get a bus into town on my own, with their knowledge and just wander around. I was quite often leered at by men of all ages, sexually harassed and sometimes even followed.

One time I was followed into the public toilets and was flashed and was even touched. I can still hear his voice and the disgusting things that he said to me like it just happened. I was absolutely terrified and frozen with fear. I didn't leave the toilets for about an hour.

When I got home, I told my mum and dad what happened. As embarrassed as I was, I left nothing out and was very upfront about what he did to me and the vile things he said. I expected my dad to hit the roof with anger, but instead, they both calmly said that they didn't think it was worth getting the police involved. They weren't happy about it, but at the same time, not that enraged, as I would certainly be if it were my dc!

I kept explaining that where it happened was CCTV and it would almost certainly have been caught, but they still insisted that the police probably wouldn't do anything and to let it go.

All these years later and it still massively effects me. I think the case of Sarah Everard has really brought things to the forefront of my mind, as now I actually feel guilt. Real guilt. I could have saved another girl/woman from being subjected to that or worse. I'm almost certain I wouldn't have been a one off, so therefore I'm almost certain I could have helped stop this from happening again.

As a mum, I can not get my head around their decision. I could have overruled them, but decided they must be right. Must know something about the system that I didn't, but I now know they were wrong, weren't they?

I'm very close to them. I love them very much and I know they love me, so it makes it so much harder to understand.

Am I right to feel this way? I haven't enabled voting, as I don't want this to feel like a poll. I honestly just would like some clarity and advice.

Thank you.

Might they have thought that they would themselves be in trouble with the police because you were 14 and not in school or homeschool and they had actually gone to work and left you alone and not doing schoolwork?

@Djifunrsn, I have honestly never thought about that before. Maybe.

@Djifunrsn

Might they have thought that they would themselves be in trouble with the police because you were 14 and not in school or homeschool and they had actually gone to work and left you alone and not doing schoolwork?

That was my first thought. Your dp's were more worried about getting into trouble than supporting you.

I wouldn’t hold this against them they probably worried they would get into trouble if they reported it and I don’t really think anything would have come of it tbh, my mum reported a man groping her on the bus recently and the police asked her if she did anything to encourage him 🤷‍♀️ Needless to say nothing came of it.

I'm so sorry, they sound like they were negletful and also agree that they were more concerned with themselves getting into trouble rather than you.

My parents were piss-poor during my childhood and I have a lot of anxiety too. It's been helpful to reflect that none of it was my fault, that they believed they were doing their best, but actually - it wasn't good enough. So I have more patience and understanding with myself.

they still insisted that the police probably wouldn't do anything

I’m not saying your parents were right, but this is probably not a wildly ridiculous view. They should have been more supportive of you and your wishes, but I’ve reported something along these lines the police and it’s not an experience I’d want to repeat. Which isn’t acceptable of course, but it was the reality.

YANBU to feel how you feel. That said, although it's not right, they may have thought (with sound reason) that it would have been more traumatic for you to go to the police, be interviewed, probably be asked questions about what you were wearing, or whether you led him on (bearing in mind this was 20 years ago and it was even worse than it is for victims of sexual assault to report). Your parents might have thought that even on the very small chance it did go to court that process could have been quite horrible for you too. Again, I'm not saying that you shouldn't have had the option to report it, but just considering your parents' possible motivations for not going down that route.

Never blame yourself for not reporting though, the only person who is responsible for other girls getting abused by that man is the man himself.

My Aunt was seriously assaulted by her piano teacher in the 50’s. Her parents just.. dismissed him!
It has destroyed her life and affected that of my cousins.
I think that in those days it just wasn’t done to make a fuss!
I wonder how many other lives that man ruined.

They were neglecting you and worried they’d be in trouble

How do you feel about reporting it now OP?

Guilt - something you really shouldn't be feeling. It isn't your responsibility to save all women from predatory men, nor that particular predatory man.
If your parents had followed up with police, if this man had been found guilty and imprisoned for a period of time, he would have served on the 'vulnerable wing' with other predatory men and come out of his sentence (half of it), with more knowledge of predatory behaviour than when he went in.
Please give yourself a break and know that what happened had nothing to do with you and everything to do with a screwed up idiot on a power trip.

Very sorry that happened to you.

You were not/are not responsible for any other crimes perpetrated by the offender. You were very young and had no support to report what happened.

Your parents let you down very badly at the time, and for what sounds like a long period of time, eg on education, healthcare and supervision.

Hope you’re getting good help now with your mental health.

The police would absolutely have taken it seriously 20 years ago, they did with my friend 30 years ago. I agree there was probably an element of not wanting to rock the boat on your parents part with you not being where you should have been, which is a shame because a sexual assault is so much bigger than a truancy.

Police handling of reports of sex crimes varied widely back then, as it does now.

@Thehop

How do you feel about reporting it now OP?

After 20 years?!

I can kind of see where they were coming from @RollonFridayPlease. I reported a flasher once - the stupid fucker was standing in his own garden wanking so I could even give the police the address. They went round and interviewed him and took it no further because he was “harmless”. 🙄

I don’t think anyone can tell you the police would have taken it serious, plenty of times the police have been known for not taking these sorts of things seriously, like I said happened with my mum and that was recently.

@ANameChangeAgain "The police would absolutely have taken it seriously 20 years ago" you know this for a fact do you?

Thanks for all the replies so far.

I think if it weren't for the CCTV I probably would have understood more, but surely this would have made finding him and eventual prosecution much easier.

Can you ask them OP what their reason was at the time? You could also say that having it swept under the carpet has affected you. As you are close, this could be done without falling out with them.

@ManxDi, it's so hard not to feel guilt, even though of course I know I'm not responsible for any of his future actions. I think it's just that I could have stopped further assaults.

If you had frail mental health they maybe thought that it would make it worse if you had to go over it again and again - for the police, for the courts etc. They may have been concerned about your safety if you have evidence against him.

@HyacynthBucket, I did a few years ago and my mum didn't react well. Just said that there would have been valid reasons for her decision and my dad couldn't even remember. Tbh, I'm not 100% sure my mum could. She can be very defensive and bolshy.

@Anotherhill, there could been an element of that, yes. I remember thinking they weren't that bothered though. I was really nervous about telling them, but it was a bit of a shoulder shrug and a let's just be thankful nothing worse happened to you.

You have nothing to feel guilty for, OP. It sounds like your parents were not doing a good job in general at the time, perhaps they were not coping themselves but you had every right to expect your parents to have a more 'passionate' response than a shoulder shrug to the news that someone had done this to their child. They should have stood up for you more, even if they had been right about the police response. And with the time showing their actions at the time were wrong, they should have apologised. Parents get it wrong all the time, we need to apologise to our kids when that happens. You have every right to feel angry with them.

It’s so important to report every single incident. Something that I think even now people don’t do.

And as a parent - we doubly have to, to show our children that we believe them, that it’s serious, that we will follow up and that that it is a crime.

Most of these incidents are not going to result in an arrest, however all information is useful. For example if we all reported every incident, then a ‘flasher’ who is escalating and targeting multiple children would be flagged up before they did something worse.

I had a serious incident happen to me as a child and my parents didn’t do a thing. Looking back I am horrified. But channel that into now.