To be angry at my parents for not reporting? Trigger Warning.

[RollonFridayPlease]

Hi,

I'm in my mid 30's and have always struggled with my MH. Mostly in the form of anxiety and intrusive thoughts. It all began in my early teens, but looking back, I was always quite an anxious child.

Anyway, when I was about 14, I was possibly at my lowest and was no longer attending school full time and was being home schooled...sort of. It was actually a bit of a nightmare and on the days my parents were working, I would get a bus into town on my own, with their knowledge and just wander around. I was quite often leered at by men of all ages, sexually harassed and sometimes even followed.

One time I was followed into the public toilets and was flashed and was even touched. I can still hear his voice and the disgusting things that he said to me like it just happened. I was absolutely terrified and frozen with fear. I didn't leave the toilets for about an hour.

When I got home, I told my mum and dad what happened. As embarrassed as I was, I left nothing out and was very upfront about what he did to me and the vile things he said. I expected my dad to hit the roof with anger, but instead, they both calmly said that they didn't think it was worth getting the police involved. They weren't happy about it, but at the same time, not that enraged, as I would certainly be if it were my dc!

I kept explaining that where it happened was CCTV and it would almost certainly have been caught, but they still insisted that the police probably wouldn't do anything and to let it go.

All these years later and it still massively effects me. I think the case of Sarah Everard has really brought things to the forefront of my mind, as now I actually feel guilt. Real guilt. I could have saved another girl/woman from being subjected to that or worse. I'm almost certain I wouldn't have been a one off, so therefore I'm almost certain I could have helped stop this from happening again.

As a mum, I can not get my head around their decision. I could have overruled them, but decided they must be right. Must know something about the system that I didn't, but I now know they were wrong, weren't they?

I'm very close to them. I love them very much and I know they love me, so it makes it so much harder to understand.

Am I right to feel this way? I haven't enabled voting, as I don't want this to feel like a poll. I honestly just would like some clarity and advice.

Thank you.

It is completely normal to feel this way, because it’s an awful thing what happened to you. I know that someone else posted and said your parents could have been worried about getting into trouble themselves but at the end of the day you are their daughter and what you went through was horrific and should have been reported regardless of what he circumstances were plus the fact he could have done this to so many other young girls which is so upsetting too.
A bit of a different story but ,
When I was 10 my mum remarried, I really liked him and got in well with him. When I was around 12 my mum left me alone with him and he started touching me and I was terrified, i didn’t tell anyone anything not even my mum, when I was 13 he did it again and was touching me. This time I told my mum and at first she was concerned and asked him about it and he said “ he was just pulling my T-shirt up” and my mum laughed in my face and called me an attention seeker and a liar and called me horrific names. I was so upset and never mentioned it again until I got married and after years of this building up inside expecially knowing what my mum said to me I finally broke down and ended up in tears and told my husband everything. My mum was still married to him up till a while ago, but I don’t let my children near him and I don’t talk to him.

A few months back my mum confided in me about how he mentally and physically abuses her and all sorts and at that time she was confiding in me I told her again about what he did all those years ago and told her how it has destroyed me mentally and had such an effect on me that I now suffer with depression and anxiety. We talked and she said she was so sorry that she never believed me and that she knows what she did was wrong.

Mine is completely different from what happened to you, but your parents are your parents. Don’t keep it bottled up inside, you could end up breaking down like I did. Have you thought about talking to your mum about it Atleast ? Let her know how you are feeling, ask them why they reacted in that way ? How all this has affected you.

My guess is they didn't want to put you through the ordeal of an official investigation, having to relive the incident repeatedly for the police and the court process. Their view was misguided by modern standards but I think they had your best interests at heart.

I don't think you should blame yourself for what the attacker may or may not have done subsequently, it's not really your fault.

*really not

YANBU for feeling the way you do. I really understand why it would make you feel neglected, unacknowledged, and unsafe.

But it also doesn't sound too uncommon for 20 years ago - maybe they thought it would be traumatic to report it and that nothing would come of it anyway. People also took these things less seriously sometimes - it was just 'how things are.' That is obviously very wrong but maybe it came less from a place of neglect and was more a product of a warped society.

When I was 4 a flasher came to the window and scared me to death - I still remember it - and my mum did report it but nothing ever came of it.

I’m not saying they’re right but honestly the police would have done nothing. Even now they do nothing. And also I think things like this were seen differently even 10 years ago.

I think we’re, quite rightly, more aware of inappropriate behaviour nowadays. There was definitely a culture of ‘not rocking the boat’ in the past.

Forty years ago, when I was around 10, my best friend’s parents employed a gardener. He was in his 40s always liked to have ‘friendly chats’ with us both and regularly used to ask to see our pants - I feel absolutely sick at the memory of it now. I told my parents and their advice was, “Don’t take any notice of him” when actually, he needed to be arrested!

On another occasion, a man in his 20s approached me. I was around 12 at the time. He said he needed to pee on some local wasteland but was worried about being seen. He wanted me to go with him “to look out and warn” him if anyone was coming. Again, I feel repulsed that this happened. I had an intuition even then that he was bad news and went straight home to tell my parents. My father actually said there was no point in calling the police as he was probably miles away by now.

I still can’t decide if my parents were incredibly naive, stupid or disinterested.

I think back years ago sexual assault was minimised and covered up. Hence, priests, family relatives, scout leaders, football coaches etc etc etc all got away with it.

A mixture of not being believed, shame on the family (which of course it isn't) and not speaking out/believing children etc. All wrong.

Nowadays we have learnt from some of the past mistakes and cannot imagine how stupid/naïve/wrong/disgusted with how sexual crimes were treated. That doesn't help much. Can you speak to them about what happened and see what they say.

I am so sorry it happened to you and justice and help weren't sought by your parents. It must be very hard to understand.

I am speaking from my.own experience here when I say you should report it. Not necessarily to the police, but if not to a rape crisis line or a counsellor.This will give you the feeling of taking action and hopefully you will discuss it and get advice that will enable you to put it in the past, where it belongs. In my case it finally gave me closure and let me move on with my life. I wouldn't bother to try to discuss it with your parents as it's unlikely they will admit their lack of action was wrong, which it decidedly was. Take action yourself .

That's terrible and I'm sorry that this happened to you. When I was a teenager c. 40 years ago, I was on one of those closed train carriages where you couldn't move and a man got in and started wanking. I yelled at him at the time and then reported it to British Transport Police and they took it very seriously - came round to my house and took a statement from me, though I bet they never caught him.

@SickAndTiredAgain

they still insisted that the police probably wouldn't do anything

I’m not saying your parents were right, but this is probably not a wildly ridiculous view. They should have been more supportive of you and your wishes, but I’ve reported something along these lines the police and it’s not an experience I’d want to repeat. Which isn’t acceptable of course, but it was the reality.

I am sorry this happened to you.

They may have thought they'd get into trouble themselves for leaving you wandering around town alone aged 14 during school hours?

They may have been correct that the Police would have done nothing, or worse, treated your complaint sneeringly / disbelievingly

Please try not to feel 'guilty'. The responsibility for the wrong actions of men lies with them, not the girls and women they harass.
And anyway, you did report it to your natural 'higher authority' ie your parents. But it was not your fault in any shape or form.

I agree with others your parents may have thought they might have been in trouble, but they also may have thought nothing would happen if they reported to the police. I’m mid 30s and I look back on my teenagers years and there are things that happened which now would have been investigate by police/social services, but were brushed away as normal. So 13 year old girls hanging round with 21 - 25 year old boys. One getting pregnant by them (and nothing happening).

Thanks everyone. This has genuinely helped me a little.

I think I originally I just wanted to have my anger justified, but actually it probably is multi layered and not that simple.

It's so depressing to read how common this was/is and it's equally depressing that I'm not surprised in the slightest.

I can sympathise. When I was about 14 I started getting dirty telephone calls when I was in the house by myself. When I told my Dad he made me tell him what the man had been saying, then he burst out laughing and thought it was hilarious.

I am so very sorry that happened to you OP.

I was home ed a few years earlier than you, and my parents were very keen to stay “under the radar” because several councils had recently taken home ed families to Court in the 70s and 80s because they thought that learning at home should be just like learning at school. One family got told off and threatened by ‘social worker’ for not having a blackboard at home! More seriously another got arrested and had their daughter put on the stand as a witness in a trial against her parents, where she had to show that she could do basic maths and english with the judge, police, etc, staring at her as she tried to protect her parents. Needless to say she ended up in tears in the witness box.

I imagine that if you were 14 and home ed and in town along while both parents were at work, the police would definitely have started criminal investigations against your parents and it could have got very nasty. At the same time look at the woeful police misogyny and lack of prosecution of crimes against women: there is very little chance the man would have been found and no chance he’d have been imprisoned.

I don’t agree with what your parents did but I can see why they did it.

Perhaps your parents were concerned about getting in trouble.

"Must know something about the system that I didn't, but I now know they were wrong, weren't they?"

A friend of mine in college was raped by three men(this was over twenty years ago). It was reported to the police and I was interviewed by them as I saw them, as they interacted with her in a pub, before they later raped her. I thought the interview would be about what they looked like and what they wore etc (to identify them) but no it was all about, whether she was flirting with them, whether she was smiling, what she was wearing, exactly how many drinks did she have, exactly what type of drink. She later asked that they not look into it further and they seemed happy enough to do that.

I remember very vividly sitting in the station being interviewed thinking, I pray to God that nothing ever happens to me because they seem much more focused on the victim and how it was her fault. Your Mum might have been aware of the very sad reality of victims of sexual assault when they reach out to the police who are supposed to protect them. They might have been concerned that as you were a child that Social Services might have become involved. Unfortunately due to the prejudices society has against children and females, it is not as straightforward as you would think.

I would discuss it with them though. If you are close to them then you should be able to have a conversation and they should be able to explain their thought process at the time. They could have done better and you are perfectly entitled to feel that they should of done better.

I think they were covering their own neglect by not reporting it. Which compounds the evil. Of course you are bitter about what heppened, because it is like a Russian nesting doll of badness. Children are supposed to be treated with care by adults. It is part of the contract the world has with them. We all protect the young. Yet that was violated twice in this instant. A man violated you sexually, putting his desires over your right to live freely as a child. Then your parents failed to support and protect you, putting their laziness, self-image, and fear of being found out as irresponsible parents over their responsibility to keep you safe and let you live freely as a child.

A recent author, I forget who, has written about the effect of such harassment. SHe says that whatever else, it is a "thought stopping process." I have been thinking about that.

That sounds awful and you were incredibly brave to tell your DPs. You were a child and you took action by telling your DPs. They chose not to take action and although you could have overridden them most children wouldn't, not least because you had no idea what would happen next.

Your DPs may have felt police involvement would add to your anguish with no satisfactory outcome. They might also have feared opening a hornet's nest if the spotlight landed on your family, which it would. You were neither at home or at school that day and it is likely social services would have become involved. Your DPs were probably doing their best to protect you.

I am twenty years older than you and the first time I was flashed at I was twelve. I told my DM who said it was unfortunately the female experience and told me some abuse to shout if it happened again. There was no thought of reporting it to the police. Over the years I had many such experiences and I never contemplated telling the police. These days there is more awareness that this is not an acceptable part of the female experience, as I tell my DCs.

It's interesting that your DF says he doesn't remember the incident but your DM does. She will have experienced harassment as 'part of the female experience' and would probably have felt very conflicted. Perhaps you could talk to your DM about her experience of being a woman and the difficulties she has faced - not in relation to this incident (I'd let that go as she's so defensive) but in relation to life for young women today. That might create some understanding between you and allow you to forgive her. I would also recommend talking to a counsellor as Flowiththego suggests as this could bring some closure.

And most importantly do not feel guilty. You were brave and strong telling your DPs and it's highly unlikely anything would have been done even if this had been reported. The guilty person was the man and you were the victim.

I don't know if this will help make you feel better, but when I was 11 a similar thing happened to me. A policeman was actually nearby, and when I told him he couldn't have cared less. Just told the man to move along and that was it.

In my teen years the adults did seem to deal with all male aggression and sexual aggressionby dealing with female behaviour and were very much of the "men will do this if they can" view. Thankfully there are higher standards and "not all men" is often heard as some sort of defence which gives some hope to the idea maybe moreM men realise it's fucking appalling.

It does sound as though your parents were putting their fear of questions around why you were unsupervised first. But it does fit with that pattern of a focus on changing female behaviour to AVOID trouble rather than stopping men committing sexual and violent offences. It is true that police would probably think if not say then something about them not keeping you safe. As though somehow men did not commit these offences outside or even in schools as well. Obviously you should never have been put through that ordeal. I'm sorry they didn't give you support at the time. It sounds tough . I hope you can get past these unwanted memories, perhaps some form of therapy?

*I don't blame your parents, I do think a 14 year old should be able to be in a normal town centre and be safe! The police at the time probably would focus on that though. Which is ridiculous. Unfortunately a lot of expectation around poor policing is there for a reason.

I do think they should have found you more support though and blame them for not taking the police in hand over it.

I don't blame your parents for letting you be in town is what mean (!).

@Djifunrsn

Might they have thought that they would themselves be in trouble with the police because you were 14 and not in school or homeschool and they had actually gone to work and left you alone and not doing schoolwork?

Home education has always been legal. Though there are steps she would of had to of followed.

I doubt there would have been card actually in the toilets though? Tb h I doubt the police would have prosecuted, even if the cctv showed the man going into the toilet. Try not to fixate on it, you've your whole life ahead of you leave it in the past.