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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I wrong for not wanting this photo shoot?

95 replies

Plantmams · 07/10/2021 08:26

So I have a 6 month old daughter.
Mentioned to my mother in law that I’d love to get some photos of DD when she’s young as well as some family ones with myself DH and my husbands son. I found a photographer I love but money is tight so I’ve put it off (I didn’t tell my mother in law this)
About a month ago my MIL said she had a voucher for a local photographer ( my MIL knows him) and we could use it for a family photo shoot which is so lovely of her. However after asking my DH it turns out that my DH and his ex did the exact same shoot with the same photographer when my DSS was about the same age- I’ve seen the photos and as soon as my MIL mentioned a photo shoot I just knew it was the same
one. MIL and FIL also got in on the photo shoot when DSS was a baby and still have some of the photos.
DH doesn’t have any of those photos as all of the ones of him have his ex in. (For context DH, MIL and FIL are all civil with the ex but don’t like her for reasons I won’t disclose on here)
I know my MIL has offered this as a wonderfully kind gesture but am I the arsehole if I turn down the photo shoot? Something about using the same photographer and doing the same shoot just makes me quite upset to be honest… or should I just suck it up and do the photo shoot?

OP posts:
Minionbums · 07/10/2021 10:09

My instinct would probably be the same as yours, to be honest. But when you think about it, it’s a bit like refusing to shop in sainsburys because they did their shopping there! It’s understandable but I think you might be able to move past it.

olidora63 · 07/10/2021 10:14

@MrsSkylerWhite

Don’t like those photo shoots full stop.

Can you take some natural, candid photos yourselves?

This !
PowerNap · 07/10/2021 10:19

Honestly I think it's a bit strange to be OK with shagging the same men, giving birth to a child by the same man, having the same parents-in-law, but feel weird about having the same photographer take your pictures Grin

But it's how you feel and no one can tell you it's wrong. It's subjective.

Pumpkin314 · 07/10/2021 10:19

I'm a family photographer, and my twopence worth is that if you want natural unposed outdoor photos then I would definitely go with a photographer who's website shows lots of great examples of that. If the photographer your MIL wants to use only does posed studio shots you can't assume they would be able to produce what you want as it's a very different thing. I shoot outdoors and in people's homes and while most the images are unposed, part of the skill of getting great 'candid' images with families with small children is suggesting games and things to do that allow them to have fun and that will look good in photos. Most people don't like having photos taken, so if you just tell people to ask natural without some prompts they just feel really awkward! Also I think you need to look at a photographer as less of a service you buy and get to tell them to do things differently, and more of an artist that you choose based on what you know they already produce. And I agree that the head on hands studio stuff is a bit old hat, if he also does selective colour, run! Wink Oh and I would make sure you know what the photographer you want is charging for the images, a decent photographer should tell you all the pricing before you book but some still start with a cheap session price then spring a high price to actually purchase photos afterwards.

NutellaEllaElla · 07/10/2021 10:23

I actually don't think YABU. Lovely gesture, but there are loads of photographers out there with different styles, why can't you just go with one of them?

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 07/10/2021 10:30

Nah, I'd find it weird too.

Rosesareyellow · 07/10/2021 10:36

I can understand how you feel but I don’t think it should matter. YANBU to feel a little bit weird about it but YABU to actually want to turn down the shoot because of this. Once you’re there and you’ve got the nice pics it won’t matter.

DappyApple · 07/10/2021 10:36

No yanbu, if the photographer your mil is suggesting is not to your taste then def go with the family photographer that you’ve chosen.

Plantmams · 07/10/2021 10:38

@PowerNap
I know right 😂 it’s so daft when you put it like that! But if you saw my next post after reading replies I’ve come to realise that the issue I had was never really about the ‘same shout as the ex’ it’s because I don’t like the photos this photographer takes! (This thread helped me realise that) so now I’m stuck with do I do the shoot and try snd make it work- but rush the photos looking like staged and horrible (to the point I wouldn’t display them in my home) or go with a different photographer.
I don’t want to come across as ungrateful to MIL but don’t want her paying for something that I may ultimately not like?

OP posts:
Joystir59 · 07/10/2021 10:39

Let the past go. Let your DH and his family and his children enjoy what was good about their shared family history before you came along. Not everything was bad. You coming along into their lives doesn't erase the past and neither should it. Help create your own positive experiences going forward, and your own wonderful memories.

Joystir59 · 07/10/2021 10:40

Let your mil have her moment. Stop trying to control everything and make everything about you.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 07/10/2021 10:41

Well, the pictures will be of different people for a start! Talk to the photographer about what you would like I reckon.
I don't get the jealousy of what went before tbh.

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2021 10:42

Joystir59

Let your mil have her moment. Stop trying to control everything and make everything about you“

? Not seeing that at all.

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 07/10/2021 10:44

If you don't like the photographer's style you should just say no thanks in a lovely and non-offensive way. Then you won't feel duty bound to hang up photos you don't like.

No brainer.

PowerNap · 07/10/2021 10:51

[quote Plantmams]@PowerNap
I know right 😂 it’s so daft when you put it like that! But if you saw my next post after reading replies I’ve come to realise that the issue I had was never really about the ‘same shout as the ex’ it’s because I don’t like the photos this photographer takes! (This thread helped me realise that) so now I’m stuck with do I do the shoot and try snd make it work- but rush the photos looking like staged and horrible (to the point I wouldn’t display them in my home) or go with a different photographer.
I don’t want to come across as ungrateful to MIL but don’t want her paying for something that I may ultimately not like?[/quote]
Well, that I completely understand. I absolutely hate staged, photoshoot-style pictures. Never had any done with my family. In fact we once won a voucher for a free family photoshoot session in a raffle and I never used it.

My kids are a bit older now and I have many favourite photos. Not a single one of them is a posed photoshoot or taken by a professional. They are all moments of genuine happiness and enjoyment where we were doing something other than posing for a photographer.

JudgeJ · 07/10/2021 10:54

Reminds me of friend's daughter who was arranging her second wedding, when she visited the florist she was shown some photos of previous weddings, one of which was her own!

godmum56 · 07/10/2021 10:57

[quote Plantmams]@deadgood That’s exactly what I think!
The photographer uses the same back drop, poses, colour theory everything so yes, my photos will look very similar to the last shoot.[/quote]
you might have a think about what you would like and suggest different poses and ideas?

Thethreecs · 07/10/2021 10:59

I personally hate those staged photos, I've a sil who adores them, tbh it's like keeping up with the kardashians photo shoots, you know, everyone dressed same, very staged poses, heads in hands, just all fake looking and kids look ridiculous as they're dressed in something they would never wear, doing stuff they'd never do.

I've had great photos when mine were small, very natural, some came with big suitcases full off fun things, like bubbles, puppets, squeaky toys and loads more, they had an assistant who would use these toys to entertain the kids, make them laugh, keep them occupied and interested because everyone knows when a kid goes to these photo shoots they suddenly want to cry, crawl/run off.

Definitely look into the voucher, we learned the hard way on our first that it doesn't usually cover the cost of all the photos and when you're presented with what photos they've taken you feel guilty not choosing them all or they're too nice not to get and ends up costing a fortune.

Photographers usually have a 'style' and if staged is their thing then maybe use the voucher for a group Christmas photo of you all and arrange something with the photographer you prefer. You can probably look up their work and see what exactly they do. One thing for sure, if you really want photos done, get them done they way you like, these photos usually end up on display forever, no point having ones where you're all lying on the floor in denim and white, head in hands gazing into the air.

Joystir59 · 07/10/2021 10:59

It's just a photograph.

JudgeRindersMinder · 07/10/2021 11:00

@Plantmams

Okay - thank you everyone! I will stop being so silly and set up a date for the shoot ❤️
Oh come on, you’re being totally unreasonable by admitting it so early on 😂
Plantmams · 07/10/2021 11:08

@Joystir59
And how exactly am I not letting my MIL ‘have her moment??’
If you’d bothered to read my replies you’d know that this thread is now about if I should go ahead with a photographer that I don’t like because my MIL has a voucher for a shoot.

I’ve already drawn the conclusion that it was never really about ‘not wanting the same photo shot as DH’ ex
It’s that I didn’t like the way the photos LOOKED by this photographer so wouldn’t really like a shoot done by him.

I’ve looked at all of his work, studio an location and even his newest stuff outside is very staged. His editing style is very bright and everything is in the same level of focus, even close up shots of couples and babies.
I just don’t like his style but I’m asking if I should just do the shoot anyway or ask my MIL if we can use a different photographer. I don’t know how that translates as ‘taking away her moment? 🙄

OP posts:
Plantmams · 07/10/2021 11:09

@JudgeRindersMinder
What’s that supposed to mean??
Because I realised I was being silly and let my anxiety get the better of me?

OP posts:
Maves · 07/10/2021 11:13

Tbh if you think like that you would litrally just stay in your house 24/7 she's been to mil house do you make sure you do t sit where she used to? They have a child together which is a lot bigger than using the same photographer. You got with a man with a child all the "firsts" as a family he's already done unfortunately.

kwiksavenofrillsusername · 07/10/2021 11:14

@Plantmams

Thank you everyone! My in laws being part of the shoot wouldn’t bother me. The photos are not my personal preference as they are very ‘staged’ - lying on your stomach with you head in your hands being one of the go to poses- but I didn’t want to come across as ungrateful.

MIL payed for the shoot with DSS and has now offered this voucher for me to have one so I know it’s coming from a place of kindness

That pose is really dated now (let me guess, they all wore jeans and had bare feet?) so hopefully the photographer has moved on to new styles! You could always think of some ideas before you go if you’re worried they might try and do the naff early 00s style.
JudgeRindersMinder · 07/10/2021 11:14

[quote Plantmams]@JudgeRindersMinder
What’s that supposed to mean??
Because I realised I was being silly and let my anxiety get the better of me?[/quote]
It was a joke! Sorry it fell flat

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