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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I wrong for not wanting this photo shoot?

95 replies

Plantmams · 07/10/2021 08:26

So I have a 6 month old daughter.
Mentioned to my mother in law that I’d love to get some photos of DD when she’s young as well as some family ones with myself DH and my husbands son. I found a photographer I love but money is tight so I’ve put it off (I didn’t tell my mother in law this)
About a month ago my MIL said she had a voucher for a local photographer ( my MIL knows him) and we could use it for a family photo shoot which is so lovely of her. However after asking my DH it turns out that my DH and his ex did the exact same shoot with the same photographer when my DSS was about the same age- I’ve seen the photos and as soon as my MIL mentioned a photo shoot I just knew it was the same
one. MIL and FIL also got in on the photo shoot when DSS was a baby and still have some of the photos.
DH doesn’t have any of those photos as all of the ones of him have his ex in. (For context DH, MIL and FIL are all civil with the ex but don’t like her for reasons I won’t disclose on here)
I know my MIL has offered this as a wonderfully kind gesture but am I the arsehole if I turn down the photo shoot? Something about using the same photographer and doing the same shoot just makes me quite upset to be honest… or should I just suck it up and do the photo shoot?

OP posts:
TurquoiseBaubles · 07/10/2021 09:04

Would it help if you thought about it as a shoot for your baby, paid for by his grandparents, just as they paid for photographs of their other grandchild. It's great that they want to treat the children equally - so many grandparents favour one set of step-siblings over another.

Are you including your dss in the photographs?

annacondom · 07/10/2021 09:09

I know exactly what you mean about the 'head in the hands' thing. I had a photo shoot a few years back and he got me doing that - it was a recreation of a Princess Diana photo! Also he had these awful plastic cubes (fake leather) that we had to sit on. They were in all the photos on his wall!
So you have some good ideas here, about taking in toys etc. Don't be afraid to say no if you don't like something - you're the client and he'll want you to be happy. I wouldn't do a Christmas theme as it will look odd when you look look.at them at other times of the year. Hope you have a lovely day.

BigFatLiar · 07/10/2021 09:12

Speak to the photographer and let him know what sort of photo's you'd like and what sort you wouldn't. If he's any good then he's providing a service and wants you to like the pictures. For his own reputation he'd prefer a satisfied customer rather than one who wasn't.

DeireadhFomhair · 07/10/2021 09:13

@Plantmams

Thank you everyone ❤️ I’ll end this thread now if you don’t mind as you’ve all helped me realise I’m just being stupid 😅 So I will arrange the shoot this weekend with MIL Maybe even do a Christmas theme for the children. Thank you everyone! Xx
A Christmas themed one sounds lovely - especially as this will be your little one's first Christmas 🎄😊
earthyfire · 07/10/2021 09:16

It wouldn't bother me at all and I'd like it if grandparents wanted to have a photo too.

jillandhersprite · 07/10/2021 09:19

oh god - i think you shouldn't do it - but thats because i hate those styled photos.
i would speak to photographer and ask if he can do a different style instead - a lot are offering shoots outside in parks with all the autumn leaves as its so colourful. Could you ask if that would be a possibility instead?

girlmom21 · 07/10/2021 09:20

@Plantmams

Thank you everyone ❤️ I’ll end this thread now if you don’t mind as you’ve all helped me realise I’m just being stupid 😅 So I will arrange the shoot this weekend with MIL Maybe even do a Christmas theme for the children. Thank you everyone! Xx
Christmas theme is a good idea because you can gift the photo to relatives then - cheap presents with minimal effort Wink
HaveringWavering · 07/10/2021 09:22

I’d be a bit wary of a “voucher” to be honest- usually these are nothing more than saying they’ll do the shoot for free when that bit is normally free anyway- they will probably still charge exactly the same (very expensive) price for the photos. Or they say things like 20% off but it turns out that the starting price was more expensive to begin with. You might easily be able to get a deal that involves spending exactly the same money from a photographer whose style you like better. Unless MIL is getting this totally for free, she may have been duped into thinking that using her mate is a better financial deal.

If you do end up going with him, just be really firm that you will not be lying down with your head in your hands. He can’t make you!

Balonziaga · 07/10/2021 09:28

The photographer is being paid for. You are his client so you brief him on what you want and don't want.

Just because he has a few safe/go to poses that doesn't mean you have to do what he tells you. You can't ask for him to be something he is not, but you can say - "I don't want the bleached out lying on the tummy stuff" (I dislike these too OP) - "Please can we do something a bit more natural? Do you do outdoor shoots?"

Maybe he could shoot you in a more natural setting - garden/park? Even if he will only work in the studio, you could ask for some shots where you aren't all looking down the camera lens but interacting with each other etc. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want - and then your pictures will feel quite different.

CharityDingle · 07/10/2021 09:31

@HaveringWavering

I’d be a bit wary of a “voucher” to be honest- usually these are nothing more than saying they’ll do the shoot for free when that bit is normally free anyway- they will probably still charge exactly the same (very expensive) price for the photos. Or they say things like 20% off but it turns out that the starting price was more expensive to begin with. You might easily be able to get a deal that involves spending exactly the same money from a photographer whose style you like better. Unless MIL is getting this totally for free, she may have been duped into thinking that using her mate is a better financial deal.

If you do end up going with him, just be really firm that you will not be lying down with your head in your hands. He can’t make you!

That's what crossed my mind too re the voucher. Make sure it does exactly what it says on the tin, and doesn't turn into you spending way more money than anticipated. Check around with other photographers whose style you like.

The Christmas theme sounds lovely, if you do go ahead. And be very clear that you don't want to be lying down and whatever else.

Original poster
Plantmams · 07/10/2021 09:36

These are such good ideas everyone thank you!!
After reading everyone’s feedback I’ve come to realise that the thing I ‘don’t like’ isn’t what I originally thought!
It’s not that I don’t want the same photographer because DH and his ex did a shoot… it’s because I saw the photos and I didn’t like the style of them!
DH has agreed that they aren’t and never where to his taste- he’s not to keen on the ‘staged look’ either and I probably wouldn’t display them if that’s what they turned out like!

@HaveringWavering I’ll definitely ask MIL what the voucher is for because I don’t want her getting dipped into paying for something me and DH are t overall sold on.

So new question! Should I do the shoot and see if I can make it work? Or suggest we look for an alternative?
The photographer I found does £30 fit the shoot snd then you buy the photos you want and they are so beautiful (she specialises in family photos snd I know she’d get some beautiful photos of DSS and DD together ❤️)

OP posts:
Toasteh · 07/10/2021 09:37

If you don’t like the style of the photos then don’t do it, they sound very very dated. Unless he is willing to do the photo shoot outside or in a different style I wouldn’t do it. I was pressured by my MIL to do similar photos and I still hate those photos 20 years later.

Rainbowshit · 07/10/2021 09:39

YABU, you know you will be able to have some input into the poses etc?

girlmom21 · 07/10/2021 09:42

@Plantmams show the photographer the style you like and see if he can facilitate it?

KeyWorker · 07/10/2021 09:46

How long ago was the original photo shoot with your DSS? I ask because the photographers style may have changed with demand over the years? I know my friend who is a professional photographer who specialises in babies/children’s shoots, her style has changed dramatically over the last 5 years.your pictures may look nothing like the others.

andyoldlabour · 07/10/2021 09:46

Prior to Covid, I had a good wedding photography business, so here are my thoughts.
Prior to a wedding (usually months before) I would meet the couple and ask what they wanted. I never used props of any kind. Every wedding was a mixture of traditional group shots and candid shots from long range.
I am of the opinion that anything which is obviously staged, just looks unnatural.

PjsOn · 07/10/2021 09:48

I used different photographers for each of my children and we are still married! The pictures were very good in each shoot but our children look so alike as babies it'd look like the same pictures, same props, poses and backdrops (same looking baby!). So we have 3 different styles of photos. You could use this as an excuse if you can't be honest, you'd like different pictures or that you already had a photographer in mind.

timeisnotaline · 07/10/2021 09:51

Don’t do the shoot. You can’t have a dozen pictures of your family on the wall, you don’t want to pay for (or be gifted) a shoot for photos you don’t like. We got some photos like that when engaged and they’re awful. In a bag somewhere.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/10/2021 09:52

I see your point but I think that you can do the shoot, just make the poses ones that are different from the ones the ex did.
Maybe ask if it can be an outdoor shoot instead of a studio one? Or if he has a different backdrop or something?

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2021 09:54

Don’t like those photo shoots full stop.

Can you take some natural, candid photos yourselves?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/10/2021 09:54

Oops - forgot to read the second page!

If you've found a different photographer who suits you better, then use her instead. Let MIL donate the voucher, or use it for someone else.

MrsRobbieHart · 07/10/2021 09:56

Honestly OP I’ve never seen a single professional baby photo shoot that isn’t cringed and contrived as hell. Especially the ones with the parents in too. Get the photographer round to your house and let them take unstaged, natural photos of your baby. You’ll get far better photos from it.

MrsMiddleMother · 07/10/2021 09:58

I wouldn't do the shoot personally.

Lilymossflower · 07/10/2021 10:00

I actually completely understand where your coming from and don't think your being unreasonable at all. I would feel exactly the same. My tummy is getting in knots just thinking about that feeling.

EvilPea · 07/10/2021 10:09

They sound like the photo shoots that were very fashionable about 5-10 years ago.
Have a chat with the photographer and see if you can get some in a style you want.

I don’t think your being unreasonable but perhaps a little sensitive about it.