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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking BFFXH for help getting money back from BFFs DD

71 replies

Crabby1704 · 07/10/2021 00:19

AIBU? Never a lender or borrower be right? But I lent my BFFs 25yr old DD money 3 months ago to buy her little girls bday gifts and other items, understanding being she'd pay it back when she got paid a couple of weeks later. I've been fobbed off, lied to, ignored and even received a text telling me a big bill has gone out so she can't pay while I've sat listening to her on video call to her Mum bragging about having spent £30 on dog toys the day before and just ordered an expensive custom made dog bowl. She didn't know i heard.
I've asked BFF to get the money. I've sent my bank statement showing how desperate it's left me, I've been promised again, it'll be done, and again it hasn't.
Today I find out she has been out shopping for the day, has decorated her bathroom, has had her eyelashes done, is going on holiday on Monday but according to BFF hasn't got the money to pay me back.
Then tonight a post on her fb saying " I will go without to make sure my child has everything she needs " made me mad. Go without what? It's me going without! I'm the one who has lived on toast all week and now...
I am getting nowhere with BFF as she won't/ can't stand up to her. AIBU if I phone BFFs ex hubby and ask for his help? I am risking my friendship of many years! Is money really more important than friendship? No, it really isn't, and before you point out the obvious that BFF isn't helping, she has stood by me when many many people shut the door in my face so her friendship is worth more than money, but feeding my myself, my dogs (my kids are at uni) paying my bills, they aren't optional and I have nothing, and nowhere to turn, but she can have her takeaways, with her nice eyelashes, on her holiday!
Please give me your gentle but honest opinion, advice and POV. TIA. 🦀 xx

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 07/10/2021 00:23

How much does she owe? Why can’t BFF pay you back and then she get it from her DD?

Salaj2207 · 07/10/2021 00:33

If your BFF isn't willing to ensure her daughter does the right thing and pays you back maybe you're going to have to learn a hard lesson here and perhaps these people aren't the BFF etc that you thought they were. If my best friend had lent my daughter money for one I would be horrified and embarrassed and then if my daughter was flaunting her purchases and not paying back what she owed I would feel so ashamed and ensure the money was returned ASAP. You've done a nice thing helping someone out but sometimes people are C words and repay you like this. It's not your fault, you may have to move on without repayment though.

Itsallok · 07/10/2021 00:38

@toomuchlaundry

How much does she owe? Why can’t BFF pay you back and then she get it from her DD?
this! But lesson learned. never lend or gamble for that matter as its often the same thing what you cant afford to lose
WorraLiberty · 07/10/2021 00:57

I think YABU

You lent a 25 year old adult money. She took the piss, is still taking the piss and is not paying you back.

Your relationship with the 25 year old is ruined now due to her awful behaviour.

Don't ruin your relationship with her parents who had nothing to do with your decision to loan money.

Chloemol · 07/10/2021 00:59

I would ask BFF for the money and she gets it back

If she says no, then be honest say you have to go to her ex husband

You need that money, the daughter is completely out of order. Tbh if you don’t get the money back I would be posting a comment on the daughters fb page under the premise you don’t want others to suffer the same fate as you

TopBlogger · 07/10/2021 01:00

How would her exH get the money out of her?

At least you now know why her own mum didn't lend it to her!

Stompythedinosaur · 07/10/2021 01:05

Would the ex even help?

It is tricky, I think your bff should want to help, but she also isn't responsible for her daughters actions.

Don't ever lend money again unless you can afford to lose it.

The daughter is of course totally in the wrong.

PurpleOkapi · 07/10/2021 02:12

YWBVU. You should have known better than to lend money if it not being paid back would leave you "desperate." Your BFF didn't borrow the money, and it's not your BFF's job to make DD pay back the money you should have known better than to lend DD in the first place. It certainly isn't her responsibility to pay you back herself. DD's father has nothing to do with any of this, and it's not reasonable to expect him to police the borrowing and spending habits of his 25-year-old DD.

AgentJohnson · 07/10/2021 04:17

Why on earth did you lend someone money you couldn’t afford, especially for non essential items? You either need to write it off or stop being so fobable. Let her know that you know about the custom dog bowl and other extravagant purchases and that you expect full payment by next payday. Your BFF isn’t much of a BFF if she’s not embarrassed by her DD’s behaviour but you have been very foolish.

NumberTheory · 07/10/2021 04:27

If there were hints from your BFF that lending her DD money was a bad idea (for instance - if she was no worse off than you but was refusing to lend her own DD the money) then I think YABU to be pushing through your BFF. If you really can't get by at all without getting the money back then you're going to have to go through the exH or anyone else you can, but I think you owe your BFF a bit of an apology.

If your BFF encouraged you to lend the money then I would be questioning her friendship a bit, tbh, and I'd use whatever means I had to get the money back and see how she reacted/whether it would all blow over. (And I'd only be hoping she'd see sense because of the long, good history you say you have, I think her attitude to this, if she condoned the loan, is pretty awfu).

RudestLittleMadam · 07/10/2021 05:31

You’re not getting that money back. Doesn’t matter who you go to, it’s not happening. How much was it? Would a threat to small claims court work on the daughter? Clutching at straws probably because she sounds utterly shameless.

PegasusReturns · 07/10/2021 05:46

You seem to acknowledge that asking BFExDH will result in the loss of your friendship with BFF. And you say that you don’t want that to happen so logic dictates you can do nothing.

I’d be questioning how great BFF is though. An admonishment to her DD is the least Guy could expect.

Nightbringer · 07/10/2021 05:55

What on earth does this have to do with your best friend or her exhusband?

You lent a 25 year old money. That 25 year old parents have nothing to do with this

AlthoughTheyFlyByJumboJet · 07/10/2021 05:59

You shouldn't have loaned it, but your BFF is shocking for not paying you back herself. Can she honestly not afford to do so?

I can't imagine how this even happened, tbh. Why did the daughter go to you for a loan, rather than her own parents? Doesn't sound like a very good BFF, to let you loan to her selfish flake of a daughter, and then not repay you on that daughter's behalf.

I'd do whatever it took to get the money back, because this would be a sign to me if how little my friend truly valued me.

negomi90 · 07/10/2021 06:38

Your bff and her ex are not responsible for their adult daughter's debts. You shouldn't be going to either of them or blaming them for a decision you make.
This isn't your friend's fault.

MRex · 07/10/2021 07:00

Your BFF isn't a good friend or she would pay you back. Lesson learned the hard way, don't ever lend anybody money, especially not money you can't afford to lose. Ask the BFF and her ex for the money, and find better friends if they don't pay.

Moneysavvymam · 07/10/2021 07:10

You need to knock on her door and say I need £20 now and I'll be back next week for another 20

scarpa · 07/10/2021 07:19

It's not the money being more important than the friendship, it's about the principle of it.

You valued your friendship (and the happiness of her DD/DGC as a result) highly enough to lend the money.

She does not value it highly enough to sort out honouring your loan with her DD, nor highly enough to be honest with you.

She could have said "Honestly, DD is being absolutely awful and keeps saying she hasn't got it. I'm mortified and I'm so, so sorry, but I don't have the money myself to give it you or I would". At least that'd be upfront with you.

Never lend money you can't afford to lose, and I would definitely try the ex-H, just to make a point!

TotallyFloored · 07/10/2021 07:22

You’re probably going to have to write it off - in the future never loan what you can’t afford to lose.

MadeForThis · 07/10/2021 07:29

How much money?

Ragwort · 07/10/2021 07:36

Accept you just won't get the money back, we've done exactly the same (twice Shock) lent money to people who said they wer 'desperate' and never seen it again. One was a family member who then went on to boast about holidays and a ridiculously expensive pet which he clearly couldn't afford to keep.

I would never loan any money again, if I could afford to, I would just make it a gift.

Watchingyou2sleezes · 07/10/2021 07:40

Why would you lend enough to put yourself in short term need???

You never lend £ to people that you're going to require to cover your basic needs...

girlmom21 · 07/10/2021 07:41

She's a grown woman. Her debt is nothing to do with her dad, or her mom unless she explicitly asked you to help.

Brefugee · 07/10/2021 07:44

you saw it on fb? are you friends with her? write a comment underneath - preferably when you know she won't be there to immediately delete it - that you're happy she's flush and now she can pay you back.

I think you have to write off the money, sending your bank statement? she won't care, will she?

"BFF" is nothing of the sort.

NoSquirrels · 07/10/2021 07:50

@WorraLiberty

I think YABU

You lent a 25 year old adult money. She took the piss, is still taking the piss and is not paying you back.

Your relationship with the 25 year old is ruined now due to her awful behaviour.

Don't ruin your relationship with her parents who had nothing to do with your decision to loan money.

If agree with this.

Deal directly with the person you lent money to.

Remind yourself again that when you lend money it should only be an amount you can comfortably lose.