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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking BFFXH for help getting money back from BFFs DD

71 replies

Crabby1704 · 07/10/2021 00:19

AIBU? Never a lender or borrower be right? But I lent my BFFs 25yr old DD money 3 months ago to buy her little girls bday gifts and other items, understanding being she'd pay it back when she got paid a couple of weeks later. I've been fobbed off, lied to, ignored and even received a text telling me a big bill has gone out so she can't pay while I've sat listening to her on video call to her Mum bragging about having spent £30 on dog toys the day before and just ordered an expensive custom made dog bowl. She didn't know i heard.
I've asked BFF to get the money. I've sent my bank statement showing how desperate it's left me, I've been promised again, it'll be done, and again it hasn't.
Today I find out she has been out shopping for the day, has decorated her bathroom, has had her eyelashes done, is going on holiday on Monday but according to BFF hasn't got the money to pay me back.
Then tonight a post on her fb saying " I will go without to make sure my child has everything she needs " made me mad. Go without what? It's me going without! I'm the one who has lived on toast all week and now...
I am getting nowhere with BFF as she won't/ can't stand up to her. AIBU if I phone BFFs ex hubby and ask for his help? I am risking my friendship of many years! Is money really more important than friendship? No, it really isn't, and before you point out the obvious that BFF isn't helping, she has stood by me when many many people shut the door in my face so her friendship is worth more than money, but feeding my myself, my dogs (my kids are at uni) paying my bills, they aren't optional and I have nothing, and nowhere to turn, but she can have her takeaways, with her nice eyelashes, on her holiday!
Please give me your gentle but honest opinion, advice and POV. TIA. 🦀 xx

OP posts:
MzHz · 07/10/2021 07:51

Your BFF is a cunt. Who the hell would see their dd rip their friend off and do fuck all?

Tell BFF to pay you and get the money back from her dd or if she won’t, that you are going to have to go to her ex h, yes

The friendship is already over, she’s sat back and done nothing while you’re struggling.

Sarah2384 · 07/10/2021 07:55

How much did you lend?
£50 - write it off
£500 - pursue it

Nightbringer · 07/10/2021 07:59

@MzHz

Your BFF is a cunt. Who the hell would see their dd rip their friend off and do fuck all?

Tell BFF to pay you and get the money back from her dd or if she won’t, that you are going to have to go to her ex h, yes

The friendship is already over, she’s sat back and done nothing while you’re struggling.

How do you expect her to force her, adult, dd to pay it?
junebirthdaygirl · 07/10/2021 08:01

I learnt this the hard way. Never lend money. Luckily the money l lent wasn't essential for my bills. I just wrote it off as every time the person bought something new it was so annoying. You have learnt a lesson here and won't be so foolish again. Continue to pursue the borrower but in your heart accept it ain't happening. Its nothing to do with her parents. You made a wrong call. Its totally on you l'm afraid. Any time we lend money we take the chance that it's going to turn into a bad debt.

SalemWitchCraft · 07/10/2021 08:06

Depending how much it is, can't you threaten small claims court? Maybe that'll make it seem more serious and if it is actually a lot then pursue small claims court.

BobLemon · 07/10/2021 08:31

Thanks for the crab.

Not sure I could let that FB post go without comment!!

Your BFF isn’t. She’s not your BFF. She might be a friend, but she’s not as great/loyal/close/respectable as you think.

Ask the ExH.

gobbynorthernbird · 07/10/2021 08:34

OP, you made the daft decision to lend money you can't afford to lose. It isn't on to get the parents involved. What do you think they will do? March their adult DD to the cashpoint?

FinallyHere · 07/10/2021 08:40

@SalemWitchCraft

https://www.gov.uk/make-court-claim-for-money

What evidence would there be that the money was a loan rather than a gift? Or that it was to be paid back in any agreed timescales.

The court would need some evidence.

FinallyHere · 07/10/2021 08:42

I'd write this off under the heading "no good deed going unpunished".

And remember in future to only ever lend (or gamble with) money you can afford to not see again. Sorry.

TinnedPotatoesRock · 07/10/2021 08:43

Well let this be lesson to not lend money when you're practically on the bones of your arse yourself...what possessed you?

SalemWitchCraft · 07/10/2021 08:43

[quote FinallyHere]@SalemWitchCraft

https://www.gov.uk/make-court-claim-for-money

What evidence would there be that the money was a loan rather than a gift? Or that it was to be paid back in any agreed timescales.

The court would need some evidence. [/quote]
She could have a message from friends DD saying " can I borrow some money for DC birthday, I'll pay you back on the 29th when I get paid" or something, I dunno was just a suggestion but honestly I don't think she'll see the money again.

Loudestcat14 · 07/10/2021 09:00

How much did you lend her? If it runs into hundreds of pounds then it's worth threatening her with small claims court – I can't see her dad is going to have any more success than her mum. Anything less than that is probably not worth the effort of making a claim.

Or you could choose the nuclear option and call her out under her FB post about going without, saying you're having to go without because she won't pay you back. But that'll probably end your friendship with her mum.

MRex · 07/10/2021 09:27

Small claims court costs £80, unlikely to be worth chasing up. The lesson on not lending money again could end up being repaid tenfold if OP is ready to learn it though.

FairFuming · 07/10/2021 09:27

Does she owe a large sum?

Original poster
Crabby1704 · 07/10/2021 10:29

Thank you all lovely people for giving this your time and honest replies. I do really appreciate every single comment.

DD owes £240.
BF doesn't have the money to repay it, DD is a narcissistic little madam who controls my BF and tbh is the cause of her divorce to exH of 30yrs... money being at the root of it. I lent DD the money because I couldn't see BFs GC go without bday and BF so stressed about it. I couldn't really afford to lend it, but I didn't forsee other things that have happened since, leaving me really in a pickle. I now live 250 miles away from all the fam and friends in a place I don't know, so not like I can keep popping round knocking her door for it. It absolutely is my own stupid fault and lovely ladies, I'm not looking for sympathy at all, a kick up the arse would be more aptWink.
I agree it isn't exH responsibility to pay DDs debt, but he is a very decent man and will try and make her do the right thing.
I would just suck this up, survive for another couple of weeks, write the debt off - I would have done that in the first instance if DD had just been honest with me and not kept fobbing me off and lying to me. I am 43 and have early dementia and I know that she thinks that I will forget what she has told me previously. This is why I have asked the opinion of you wonderful people. I can't help but thinking that if it was anyone else she would at least offer to pay bit at a time. I am my own worst enemy, but have learnt my lesson the hard way this time.
Thank you all again xx 🦀

OP posts:
traintraveller · 07/10/2021 11:06

You were daft to lend money you couldn't afford not to get back to a "narcissistic little madam" but it has nothing to do with your friend or her ex.

SunshineCake1 · 07/10/2021 11:08

Why couldn't you see her child go without. It's not on you. Sounds a bit virtue signally which has back fired.

Xenia · 07/10/2021 11:08

Go to the courtservice online website and sue her for the £240 having sent a final demand letter first. If she does not pay after the court gives judgment in your favour send in bailiffs.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 07/10/2021 11:10

Call her out on fb.
Then never contact her again. Your bff raised one fucking awful dc didn't she?

Loudestcat14 · 07/10/2021 11:18

£240 is too much to write off, OP, and it's disgusting she's using your health condition as a get out. I would send her a strongly worded email, so you have it in writing (and she can't accuse you of forgetting) that you are setting her a deadline of xx to repay the entire amount in full or you'll be issuing a small claims court order to get it back. It may damage your friendship but your BFF was out of order to pile on the emotional pressure about her GC's birthday knowing you didn't have the money to lend.

Stompythedinosaur · 07/10/2021 11:33

What a shit she is!

I would go to small claims court.

£240 is a huge amount for a child's gifts!

TheShades · 07/10/2021 11:37

Agree you should pursue it, but why on earth would someone who's struggling financially need to spend over £200 for a young child's birthday? I can understand you not wanting to see the DC go without but a loan of £20 could have got her a couple of birthday presents.

KrisAkabusi · 07/10/2021 11:42

Embarrass her. Send her one more message giving one more chance to pay, and then go all out. Start knocking on her door. Comment under every Facebook post that she owes you money.

LettertoHermoine · 07/10/2021 12:05

You came from a good place OP and I am sorry that your kindness backfired on you by this little madam's selfishness. It sounds like she has been manipulating people for years and people like that rarely see the error of their ways and have little or no moral compass. They are takers and experts at fobbing others off hoping they will give up.
Personally I would probably do the Facebook thing that @KrisAkabusi mentioned.. that way she is called out plus other people are forewarned. That might not be the approach for you though and you have to do what sits right with you.
I do have to say you come across as such a lovely person and even your reply to others here on the thread was courteous and kind. I really do hope you get that money back by hook or by crook, I will be rooting for you!

MRex · 07/10/2021 12:38

@Crabby1704 - go to the ex, he may decide to put this right if he's decent as you say. I'm sorry for your health troubles and hope any progression is very slow.