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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a bit sad that your child isn’t having the most AMAZING time at Secondary school, not the high achiever/sports extraordinaire but…….

71 replies

MissPeregrine · 06/10/2021 18:38

And of course I’d never EVER make my feelings known to DS!

I’m sure my parents never had these same thoughts because there just wasn’t the information out there back in the 80’s! No Mumsnet to scroll through, no social media posts showing talented kids, no tv channels (except the usual three) showing talented kids and their family etc

DS isn’t in the top sets at school, isn’t great at sport, finds some subjects pretty hard, finds some social aspects challenging.

What he bloody loves though is nature, birds, wildlife etc! He can name every bird he comes across, their song, loves them! But in the educational environment this will never be up there with the current curriculum!

Just a thread to get that off my chest! Nothing deep, just frustrating!

Might have the next Springwatch presenter though!

OP posts:

Bookridden · 06/10/2021 18:49

Sometimes the "average" kids don't shine at school but come into their own art a later date.

CourtesyFlush · 06/10/2021 18:56

One of my DC is a high achiever, top sports person, super driven, happily joins lots of extra curricular activity, beloved by teachers and students alike. But said DC also suffers with crippling anxiety which means they dread each school day. You never know what anyone else is battling with and so it's better just to play the long game. Do what you need to do on a day-to-day basis to get them through to the next day, and the next. Teach them skills and attitudes that they can take with them once they leave school, whatever they end up doing. Ignore the "ideal" because it's very rarely what you think it should be.

Cabinfever10 · 06/10/2021 19:00

The fact is very few people/children are exceptional/high achievers mist are average and there's nothing wrong with being average.
The amount of pressure people put on children to be the best at everything is extremely toxic and IMHO the direct cause of the massive increase in mental health problems amongst teenagers. Just be happy for him and celebrate whatever his personal wins/achievements are instead of comparing him to others

FuckingFabulous · 06/10/2021 19:01

@MissPeregrine

And of course I’d never EVER make my feelings known to DS!

DS isn’t in the top sets at school, isn’t great at sport, finds some subjects pretty hard, finds some social aspects challenging.

Just a thread to get that off my chest! Nothing deep, just frustrating!

Might have the next Springwatch presenter though!

My 12 year old son is not into football, not a high flying over achiever for any subject at all.... he does alright and he has topics he loves in history and some sports in PE, but generally he thinks school is the most boring waste of his time. He comes alive outside in the woods. He can build shelters. He can make things out of willow. He can build fires and cook over them. He can forage. He makes nettle tea. He doesn't play Xbox, although he has one. He has penknives and a whittling kit. His favourite days in our house are "no technology" days. I adore him for who he is and he's perfectly happy doing this while his school friends all meet up to play football, but sometimes I feel he must be lonely. He doesn't seem to be, so maybe I'm applying my own feelings to the situation. I don't ever wish he was Mr Sports in school- he seems to have enough friends to be happy, but sometimes I feel really sad that he's not met his kindred spirits- the wild kids who also want to be outside building

Underamour · 06/10/2021 19:02

I would get him involved in the things that he enjoys. Check out Park Ranger careers also environmentalist jobs etc- you will see there is a huge choice in careers should he choose to go that way. If not, he gets to enjoy the things he likes. You never know, he might pull it out for exams, suddenly do well at A Level standard or suddenly become a high achiever. I know plenty of people earning goodish salaries from these types of jobs who seem to enjoy their work. Also, many who have taken degrees then not done so well.

SionnachRua · 06/10/2021 19:03

Ah I love his interest in wildlife and nature. Too many people don't give a damn about it, maybe he will go into that field and do great things there.

He sounds like an average lad tbh? I know everyone wants their child to be the brightest pumpkin in the patch but most of us are average. Although social media would try convince you otherwise

gannett · 06/10/2021 19:07

What he bloody loves though is nature, birds, wildlife etc! He can name every bird he comes across, their song, loves them!

He has a passion, that will set him up for a good life (and maybe good career) more than a lot of the kids hothoused into high achievement who end up not knowing what they want out of life or burning out.

I also think that the point of life isn't really to peak in your schooldays. I would say most of my friends are successful people in their fields and very few of them look back on their schooldays with much fondness.

TumtumTree · 06/10/2021 19:14

Your DS sound fab OP

Nayday · 06/10/2021 19:14

He doesn't sound at all average, self-taught, knows his interest and has pursued it to a gone level of knowledge - sounds pretty bright to me.

IMO our education system is doing a fine job of convincing parents that 'success' is a narrow ribbon of sports and testing achievement (note I don't say academic or education achievement - rote learning and testing of that learning is what our curriculum is rapidly becoming).

A love of learning and self directed learning at that, is for life.

Was it Einstein that said 'If you measure a fish by it's ability to climb a tree it will spend it's whole life thinking it's stupid' - I think that nails it really.

Be proud of your son for who he is.

Nayday · 06/10/2021 19:14

*good

Bogoroditse · 06/10/2021 19:31

My 10 year old sounds so similar. Following for inspiration for ideas to encourage and further his knowledge and passion for wildlife and boost his self esteem in ways that school simply doesn't. Round us the Wildlife Trusts run young rangers clubs at weekends, maybe worth looking into?

MrsDonnelly · 06/10/2021 19:34

He sounds lovely. The high flyers at school aren’t guaranteed happiness and success in adult life. A love of nature and things which are available for free is great for mental health x

BrutusMcDogface · 06/10/2021 19:36

Goodness me. Everyone is different. Celebrate and give him chances to shine at what he’s good at/interested in. In the 80s parents just let their kids get on with their lives without watching and analysing their every move.

Comparison is the thief of joy. As long as he’s happy?

RonaldMcDonald · 06/10/2021 19:38

Nope.
I only ever wanted them to be happy. All the other stuff can be sorted out when they are older.
Mostly mumsnet is full of liars - or else they all went to Oxbridge, earn 100k and have g&t kids…

Theendoftheworldisnigh · 06/10/2021 19:48

School only recognises a few things. Sport, music, drama, art, academics. Your son has something that is a talent and a lifelong hobby and helps him to appreciate the world. That's important.
One of my DCs has one of the recognised talents in quite a big way and it came with huge challenges and sacrifices.

MissChanandlerBong81 · 06/10/2021 19:58

I get it. But the fact is that not everyone thrives and excels at school. It’s an environment that suits particular people. It doesn’t mean anyone who doesn’t excel at school is stupid, far from it. I think it’s great that your son has a passion. And he sounds pretty smart to me if he can identify birds from their song etc.

GoWalkabout · 06/10/2021 20:15

My best friend growing up loved bug hunting and collecting leaves. She became a very successful wildlife film producer. Her brother loved watching films and never left the tv. He works for a major film company handling huge marketing budgets. Their mum was really nurturing and their dad was really ambitious and entrepreneurial, I think it must have been a good combo! Let your son follow his interests and all will be well.

DamnYouAutoCarRental · 06/10/2021 20:18

Almost all the people I know who are happiest in their jobs work outside, or with nature. If that's what he loves, encourage it and celebrate the stuff he enjoys.

CatsArePeople · 06/10/2021 20:26

My DC are pretty average too. They have their own things they're really into, but nothing school related.

Original poster

MissPeregrine · 06/10/2021 20:36

The problem DS also faces is the fact he’s deemed ‘weird’ by some of his cohort because of his love of nature.

Lots of the dc in his year can talk about Fifa but it’s not cool to talk about nature.

Later in life it won’t be an issue but to fit in at school you often have to have something in common.

Appreciate all of your comments.

OP posts:

Autumngoldleaf · 06/10/2021 20:42

Has he got any sen issues op?
Not saying a love of birds means that but everything you have said?the subjects he finds hard do you know why?

TheViewFromTheCheapSeats · 06/10/2021 20:45

In the long run there’s a lot going for a kid who’s just ‘nice’ and can find happiness in something quite simple. Can set you up for a content and happy life, which is an excellent thing to ultimately achieve.

rrhuth · 06/10/2021 20:52

No, I would not worry about this. I would be encouraging that love of wildlife at every opportunity, with clubs, books, dvds, visits. Late night badger walks, bat spotting etc.

So many children have truly sad lives, my children are cared for and free to follow their own dreams. Your son sounds lucky to me! He sounds great, especially if he enjoys good health too.

SionnachRua · 06/10/2021 20:53

I wonder if he'd play a video game related to nature? Something like Horizon Zero Dawn, Breath of the Wild, Okami, Fallout... Even one of the Assassin's Creed games - Black Flag, Odyssey, Origins etc - where there's a lot of traversal through beautiful environments.

Now I'm not saying that he should follow the crowd and get into gaming - though it's a great hobby, I wouldn't be without it - but it might provide a bit of common ground between his interests and what classmates are up to.

GoWalkabout · 06/10/2021 20:56

He'll find like minded people in sixth form and uni, probably sooner but yes you need to be Street smart enough to fit in just a little through years 7-11

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