To be upset about birthday presents?

[Rajono]

It's my birthday this week, and asked my DP a few weeks ago for my birthday to bring my 2 DS to our shopping centre and let them each choose a present for me. I'm not a big birthday person, as I have my children's birthdays near mine so I'm normally concentrating more on them, but liked the idea of each of them choosing and buying something themselves for me. I've just spoke to my partner and found out he hasn't done this, and instead this morning on the way to school asked them what to get me, and then will get it tomorrow. I told him I feel upset, as it wasn't a big request, and he apologised, but didn't see it as being a big deal. He has had plenty of opportunity to do as I asked as I work weekends so could have done it when I was at work, he just hasn't bothered. AIBU to feel upset that he didn't do as I asked?

The thing that gets me about these type of posts is that you know for sure if these guys were chasing a woman they’d be all over the birthday present buying. When I was just dating my husband he used to go above and beyond. Buy lovely thoughtful gifts. Drive me interesting places on dates…now years after kids and marriage zero effort. Can’t be arsed. But I know if he had interest from another woman he’d be all over that kind of thing. It’s not that he can’t do it, it’s that he won’t.

YANBU! Especially the 9 year old, that's definitely old enough to choose something for you. Like you say it doesn't have to be something fancy, could just be a box of roses or whatever. I'd be disappointed with DH's lack of effort. As a previous poster said, it's good to encourage children to think of others and what they might like. Kind of like how you take a toddler out to buy a gift for their new baby sibling - the baby couldn't care less but for the toddler it's empowering.

@twoandeights

The thing that gets me about these type of posts is that you know for sure if these guys were chasing a woman they’d be all over the birthday present buying. When I was just dating my husband he used to go above and beyond. Buy lovely thoughtful gifts. Drive me interesting places on dates…now years after kids and marriage zero effort. Can’t be arsed. But I know if he had interest from another woman he’d be all over that kind of thing. It’s not that he can’t do it, it’s that he won’t.

That's annoying. I went into my marriage knowing exactly what my husband's gift giving capabilities were...zilch. Its still disappointing but at least I don't feel misled!

If you constantly put everyone else first on your list of priorities, and never yourself, how will others ever know or learn to put you at the top of the list?

You do need to have a word with your dp. Remind him the effort you go to for him.

That's crap of him!

I'd say from now on just sort out your own birthdays.

He should take them. He really wasn't that busy. He just couldn't be arsed.

Gift giving is an important skill. Kids have fun picking out something.

I have no idea why people are hating on this plan. As a child me and my brother would be taken by an adult into a department store given £50 and we could buy my parents Xmas gifts, we would really try hard and could buy whatever we wanted with the money as long as we got at least 2 gifts each. I did this from age 6-13 when I was able to do it alone, TO THIS DAY we all laugh as a family about the things we picked out, a big brass fish to hang on the wall for my mum, a bike lock for my dad who didn’t and never had owned a bike, a gorilla mask, an oversized rubber duck, a salad spinner the list is endless. It taught us about budgeting, buying thoughtfully, wrapping and the GIVING part of Christmas.

It’s a great tradition to start, maybe read this story to your husband and you can start from next year, get the kids in Asda or John Lewis and give them a budget and absolute free reign.

The gift OP wanted for her birthday was to help her children choose and buy something.

She’s not getting the gift she requested - that’s the upset.

It’s not about the “thing” itself.

I wouldn’t fall out about it hugely because at least he’s tried to make sure the DC have gifts to give, but I would impress on my DP that it was the time, thought and effort of the trip itself you wanted, not random stuff to open.

As you can see, plenty of people here don’t get it so obviously he didn’t either.

Btw, did the kids know about the plan? If not, next time get them involved in the discussion. They’re definitely old enough to nag to make sure the shopping trip happens.

You wanted him to do what you normally do. I'm guessing that actually it's you who does all that running around, organising, choosing, wrapping etc for everyone. He's not used to doing it because he's never HAD to, you've always done it on behalf of all of you.

This is where you need to step back and make him start stepping up, he needs to be involved in the family planning events. He needs to get organised.

It's a really sweet idea but to be honest a bit fake. I think you want your family to be the sort that do that, and you are the sort of person that does that but your DP just isnt and by extension your family isnt. And I think you're more upset that you dont have the family dynamics that you want and DP isnt helping you to drive that ideal forward. Try not to let it bother you too much. Maybe ask DP to make your kids wrap the presents?

I get it Op, it's part of bringing children up to be thoughtful and not expecting things to be just done for them.

OP I understand what you wanted. As a single parent, I could never really be "surprised" at my own presents, so when my DDs were 8 and 10 I would take them to the Dollar Store, give them $10 each, and let them go in and choose gifts for me and for their sister for Christmas. Then we would drive home and they would "wrap" (wads of paper and tape!) the gifts and put them under the tree for Christmas.
I got some unusual things - press on nails, a candy bar, a salt shaker (not the salt and pepper set, just one shaker) shaped like a chicken. Thirty years later, I still have that chicken shaker!! It IS the thought that counts and your DH could have done it.

I suspect that would have been really difficult for the children if he’d really taken them to a shopping mall and asked them to pick something. My five year old doesn’t like going to the toy shop to pick a toy as he finds it too difficult to stick to parameters of suitability and price. If I put him in a massive shopping centre and asked him to pick I think he’d crumble.

So basically he forgot.

Yanbu

What you are BU about is putting yourself second or last, that’s your fault and if you do it others will too. Maybe you should look to change that, is that the lesson you want to teach your kids? That mother’s are not as important? Hope your kids don’t grow to see mothers that way.

I think you have every right to feel disappointed and unappreciated. You made a request for something that meant a lot to you, and your DH has shown you very clearly that he couldn’t be arsed to prioritise it, even with lots of advance warning.
My own lovely DH died 30 years ago, when the DDs were babies. I had to hire a professional nanny in order to go back to full time work.
The nanny not only took my DDs out in her car to choose my presents as soon as they were old enough, she hired a video camera and spent hours filming an editing a video of my DDs as her birthday present to me! I think she puts your DH to shame.

YANBU it was a simple request for your birthday, you wanted something your kids picked especially themselves. He's an ass and so are the people on this thread.

@FreeBritnee

I suspect that would have been really difficult for the children if he’d really taken them to a shopping mall and asked them to pick something. My five year old doesn’t like going to the toy shop to pick a toy as he finds it too difficult to stick to parameters of suitability and price. If I put him in a massive shopping centre and asked him to pick I think he’d crumble.

Seriously!?

Since my kids were little, when I take them to the supermarket I've said you can buy what you want as long as it's less than 3 pounds or whatever the budget is. They're really good at choosing stuff.

I really don't think they'd struggle at all to find stuff mum likes within a 10 pound budget. In fact, I reckon my kids would have a lot of fun choosing, but I guess different kids react differently.

I think that you need to tell him that you are upset.

That for your birthday what you wanted is for him to take the children shopping. That was the gift.

And you're hurt that he didn't do it

My kids when young, have always done this for birthdays and Xmas. We always went to Poundland where they had the choice of the whole shop. It was very interesting to see what they choose for each member of our extended family. Some weird and wonderful choices from when they were three.

@MrsMiddleMother

YANBU it was a simple request for your birthday, you wanted something your kids picked especially themselves. He's an ass and so are the people on this thread.

It's not a request so much as a demand if she is going to get stroppy when it isn't complied with.

Lesson learned, don't make as much effort for his birthday.