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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset about birthday presents?

98 replies

Rajono · 04/10/2021 19:13

It's my birthday this week, and asked my DP a few weeks ago for my birthday to bring my 2 DS to our shopping centre and let them each choose a present for me. I'm not a big birthday person, as I have my children's birthdays near mine so I'm normally concentrating more on them, but liked the idea of each of them choosing and buying something themselves for me. I've just spoke to my partner and found out he hasn't done this, and instead this morning on the way to school asked them what to get me, and then will get it tomorrow. I told him I feel upset, as it wasn't a big request, and he apologised, but didn't see it as being a big deal. He has had plenty of opportunity to do as I asked as I work weekends so could have done it when I was at work, he just hasn't bothered. AIBU to feel upset that he didn't do as I asked?

OP posts:

ChamberofSecrets69 · 04/10/2021 19:58

@NatriumChloride

Urgh I’m in two minds about this. I think making your DH make your kids go and choose something for you is a bit cheesy and weird. I wouldn’t expect individual presents from a 6 and 9 year old. However clearly this meant a lot to you and you did ask your DH to do it and he didn’t , which isn’t good of him either. Maybe you should tell him that you’re hurt and that next year you do expect him to take the kids out to choose a present for you.

@NatriumChloride

What an odd thing to say.....

What part of them buying their mother a gift is cheesy and weird? I think you're the only weird one here.

user1493494961 · 04/10/2021 19:58

I think it's very poor OP, given the ages of your DC, I'm sure they would like to choose something for you.

BiscuitLover09876 · 04/10/2021 19:59

It is disappointing op, especially as you don't ask for much. When you have a bit of time can you sit down with dp and say how you feel in a calm way? Hopefully then he'll understand and it won't happen again!

ChamberofSecrets69 · 04/10/2021 20:00

@Rajono

See that's not good enough, is it? It would be different if he were worried about taking them into a store because of Covid or something similar, but he essentially forgot. You didn't ask for much, and he couldn't even carry out a simply request on your birthday. How sad for you ❤

IWantT0BreakFree · 04/10/2021 20:01

If I wanted my kids (similar ages) to choose a present for their dad, I’d have to either take them to the shops or show them a catalogue. Otherwise they would struggle to really think about what he would actually like. They wouldn’t be able to just pluck ideas from the air. If I just asked them in the car on the way to school there’s no way they’d come up with anything half decent.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all. You’ve just asked him to encourage the kids to put a tiny bit of thought into a present for their mum - who presumably does absolutely loads for them every single day - and he couldn’t be arsed to facilitate that. He’s missed an opportunity to teach his kids the importance of showing someone you care about them (especially someone they really ought to appreciate who does so much for them), and he’s failed to show you that he cares for and appreciates you.

Santatizer · 04/10/2021 20:06

Sorry I think YABU

AllWaxedOut · 04/10/2021 20:06

I think YABU. You can't dictate exactly how and when the DC/ DP buy your presents, it's all a bit forced.

You've not even had your birthday yet and are already complaining about it

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 04/10/2021 20:17

YANBU, DH brought Dc aged 3 to the PJ dept in Primark for my birthday 2 years ago (he picked monsters inc pjs ), and during his the pandemic DH narrowed it down to 6 pairs online and got the kids to pick out their favourite. It's not that I am desperate for a pair of pjs picked out by a 5 year old but it's important that he learns that his parents are people and deserve birthdays too and about getting thoughtful gifts. It's nice that he notices every time I wear the pjs picked by him.

ChirpyChirp · 04/10/2021 20:38

To the posters who don't understand...the OP wanted her children to choose her something. Not her DP. So if the DC have said to buy her chocolates and a book, it will still be her DP choosing chocolates and book, not her DC (unless the DC are incredibly specific in their requests of course, but this is unlikely given their ages).

DysmalRadius · 04/10/2021 20:44

I can totally see what you mean about getting the kids to choose something. When I worked with kids, we used to get a stash of small but nice presents (bath bombs, chocolates etc) and get the kids to pick a present for their parents every Christmas to teach them about choosing things for others and enjoying having a surprise for the recipient. It was also nice for the single parents to have a surprise to open that was just from their kids for them.

WeALLdeferTOtheDOG · 04/10/2021 20:45

U r being totally reasonable and anyone who says it is about getting a gift u want is missing the point. Ur partner shd b modelling thoughtful behaviour. The boys need to know what it is to take the time to choose and show love through the buying (or making ) of a gift for their mum. It took me years to get this practice engrained in our household but now my 2 teenagers r really thoughtful wen getting gifts for their friends and they really appreciate wen others do likewise. They r still ropey wen buying me a gift but r getting better. It’s a display of kindness and a life skill.

Livpool · 04/10/2021 20:47

I think YABU sorry.

My DS has just turned 6 and if he was choosing my present I would end up with a children's magazine, Lego or Ryan's World rubbish!

I know you have a 9 year old too but I think the idea of them choosing would be very different to what you end up with!

I think your DP's idea is a good compromise. And I don't think 2 days before your birthday is last minute

katemuff · 04/10/2021 20:48

I agree OP. I want something, no matter how weird, that they have personally chosen. DD once bought me a tiny fake sharks tooth because I like snorkelling. Random and excellent.
DM still has a small and very ugly vinegar bottle I bought her in 1981. I'd seen a fancy crystal decanter at my great uncles house and thought this was JUST THE SAME. I got it from Oxfam for 5p which was within budget so I was delighted. I am so glad DB didn't tell me and spoil it. I total get it OP. You just wanted them to think about you for a while, and then see what they thought was best.

Tal45 · 04/10/2021 20:51

YANBU. You asked him to put a little bit of effort into your birthday and he couldn't be bothered because 'time got away from him' - what every single weekend? what exactly was he doing that kept him so busy?

PairOfPears · 04/10/2021 20:56

YANBU. If he didn’t want to do that he should have said so instead of pretending he was going to then just doing what he wanted.

Bluntness100 · 04/10/2021 21:01

Isnt it the same end result op? He’s asking them what they want to get for you and buying it. It’s still the kids choice, it’s still the presents they chose, you still get something to open, he’s still having to go and buy the gifts.

Is there more behind this? Is it you want him to make an effort to show he cares?

Wimblingwombling · 04/10/2021 21:05

I personally think it’s quite unusual to request this and make it into an issue. I can understand being upset if you got no present at all

Holskey · 04/10/2021 21:06

I think everyone is being a little unreasonable.

I get that it's nice to have something your children have chosen. But I agree with PP: it probably wouldn't be the fantasy of two enthusiastic children choosing some sweet gift, in the right price range, that has some meaning for them in terms of why they chose it.

It would have been nice for DP to have done this for you though. It's not a big ask and he's been lazy. But he's not an absolute shit either, as long as he gets a gift the children have chosen in time for your birthday.

I'd make the point that he cba doing as you asked for your bday, but I wouldn't labour it.

DressedUpAtAnIvy · 04/10/2021 21:11

We’ve been taking ours out to pick presents for adults since they were two. We think it’s important for them to learn about giving as well as receiving. They get some pretty good things, and some of the conversations we have are priceless. So I don’t think OP IBU to want this for her kids.

Original poster

Rajono · 04/10/2021 21:11

I didnt think it was that unusual to have children pick out presents! We've done it for family members in the past, BIL is a builder so DS chose some tools from Poundland, and SIL is a personal trainer, so they chose some bright rainbow sweat bands for her. It's not about what the present actually is, I just like that the children are choosing them themselves. I just wanted to be on the receiving end this time

OP posts:

UnsuitableHat · 04/10/2021 21:15

Yanbu. I understand why you’re disappointed.

CanICelebrate · 04/10/2021 21:15

Yabu
He is still getting you something they chose but he just isn’t physically taking them to that shops. You do seem to be making a big deal out of your birthday and making it unnecessarily hard work.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 04/10/2021 21:17

it probably wouldn't be the fantasy of two enthusiastic children choosing some sweet gift, in the right price range, that has some meaning for them in terms of why they chose it.

Why not? My DS had been able to manage this since he was about 5. Initially it was charity shop bits then when he got older he pays half from his pocket money and I pay the rest, he chooses gifts for all the extended family. I think it's a really important lesson to learn and he enjoys it.

SusieSusieSoo · 04/10/2021 21:18

YADNBU ds absolutely loves buying me a gift himself. When we had a regular babysitter I gave her £ and she took him, wrapped it up & he hid it until the day. Ditto with Mother's Day presents & Christmas presents from the school PTA pop up shop. I think it's a lovely thing for dc's to do. I always used to feel sad for him that he never got the chance to go (am LP & my family could never get it together to take him) x

SleepingStandingUp · 04/10/2021 21:20

If he'd said nah I picked something for them, I'd get your point. But all you're missing is them physically picking an item off the shelf. And they've told Dad what they actually want to get you, not been dragged around Trsco to find wherever will do

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