To be upset about birthday presents?

[Rajono]

It's my birthday this week, and asked my DP a few weeks ago for my birthday to bring my 2 DS to our shopping centre and let them each choose a present for me. I'm not a big birthday person, as I have my children's birthdays near mine so I'm normally concentrating more on them, but liked the idea of each of them choosing and buying something themselves for me. I've just spoke to my partner and found out he hasn't done this, and instead this morning on the way to school asked them what to get me, and then will get it tomorrow. I told him I feel upset, as it wasn't a big request, and he apologised, but didn't see it as being a big deal. He has had plenty of opportunity to do as I asked as I work weekends so could have done it when I was at work, he just hasn't bothered. AIBU to feel upset that he didn't do as I asked?

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

it probably wouldn't be the fantasy of two enthusiastic children choosing some sweet gift, in the right price range, that has some meaning for them in terms of why they chose it.

Why not? My DS had been able to manage this since he was about 5. Initially it was charity shop bits then when he got older he pays half from his pocket money and I pay the rest, he chooses gifts for all the extended family. I think it's a really important lesson to learn and he enjoys it.

Plenty of children dislike shopping. Plenty of men too.

I've taken my nephew for these purposes (dsis is a single parent). It was never enjoyable for him and the gifts he chose weren't thoughtful or meaningful. When asked why he chose what he chose, he retroactively created some tenuous link between dsis and the gift and nobody was ever any the wiser.

@Rajono

He is their real dad. I dont mean dragging them round the shops all day, I just mean bringing them to a supermarket and letting them choose something. Because my birthday is so close to DS, my birthday goes on the back burner (by my own choice) but this year I just wanted a couple of gifts chosen and bought by the kids as they're a bit older and thought it would be nice, and just feel a bit disappointed that it didn't happen that way, as I always put alot of effort into his birthday

I don’t mean this to sound as mean as it might come across, but this “back burner” / “my choice” just makes to sounds like a martyr.

All the families I know with birthdays close together revel in birthday season!

Even if money is tight and you prioritise it for children’s present, that is no reason not to have a cake and a bit of attention on your own birthday.

For whatever reason you’ve decided to pretend to yourself that you don’t really “do” your birthday - drop the pretence!

* But if they are deciding what to buy and he’s getting it, what does it matter how it was shopped for? The kids are still choosing. I also think it’s a bit weird and controlling to say that they must go out and get a gift in a certain way*

^I agree. YABU OP and a bit controlling

I always make a big deal out of his birthday, and never ask for anything on mine, so I feel disappointed that he didn't do the thing I asked for

So he gets a big fuss on his birthdays, you don't get a fuss on yours because you're too busy with the kids' birthdays, and the one year you ask for something, he doesn't do it?

I'd be making the same level of effort for his next birthday - which is zero.

This is a really interesting debate and in my opinion YANBU. From a very young age - about age 3 my mum (now deceased) used to take my children to a local garden centre to choose Christmas presents for close family (each other, grandparents and parents) Always the same place finished off with a cake and drink. Over the years the kids (now age 20/18/15) have learnt to buy presents specific to an individual and within budget. The pure joy they get on Christmas Day has been wonderful to see. They take huge pleasure in seeing the reaction of the recipient of the gift. And they always associate it with my mum. Special memories.
So... to answer others who think the OP is being unreasonable, I think her children are a perfect age to start learning how to buy presents and learn the joy of giving; but it takes another adult to teach them.

I genuinely never get why adults need this massive fuss on their special princess days. I don't have kids so it's not that I don't feel birthdays are for adults, but I do think we can celebrate with friends and family without being a diva about it all.
Your DH is getting you a gift. There's another two days until your birthday. That's time enough, surely?

But the children are still choosing what to gift you? I think this is unreasonable because you’re actually receiving something before your birthday. It’s not like he’s left it to on the day either. If he was scrambling around on the actual day I would be put out. But it seems like he’s remembered and is making sure the kids pick something out as you asked. It’s just not how you envisaged it but the end result is the same surely.

I'd be making the same level of effort for his next birthday - which is zero.

But he’s not put in zero effort. He’s just not put in the right amount of effort in the way OP had requested. To ignore his birthday as revenge would be a petty overreaction.

But he has asked them! Then will get it

YABU

You aren't being unreasonable at all, your birthday is in two days and he has only just decided to do something about it. He could have gone online shopping with the kids weeks ago but couldn't be bothered. It doesn't matter if the people who are replying are into birthdays or not, you asked him to do one simple task and he didn't, I'm guessing it's because you usually deal with all the house hold stuff and emotional labour.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all!
You wanted them to chose it. Not tell him an idea and then him to pick something. It’s not the same thing.
The fact he had them at the weekend and still couldn’t muster the energy to spend an hour in a shop is just plain lazy.
It’s not a big ask IMO.

You don’t want something that he choses. You wanted something your children had chosen. Why is that difficult to understand?!

Plus if he goes tomorrow and then shows the kids when they get home, what if they say that’s not the right thing? Or they don’t like it. The birthday is Wednesday. It’s too late to do anything about it.

He sound like a typical lazy fucker parent. Get him nothing for his birthday and Father’s Day. He needs to reap what he sows. How sad is that.

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

YANBU, DH brought Dc aged 3 to the PJ dept in Primark for my birthday 2 years ago (he picked monsters inc pjs ), and during his the pandemic DH narrowed it down to 6 pairs online and got the kids to pick out their favourite. It's not that I am desperate for a pair of pjs picked out by a 5 year old but it's important that he learns that his parents are people and deserve birthdays too and about getting thoughtful gifts. It's nice that he notices every time I wear the pjs picked by him.

That’s lovely - and yes, entirely the point. Kids love giving gifts. Having an adult facilitate so that they can do something kind and thoughtful is what helps kids to grow up into decent adults.

Please OP on his next birthday do the bare minimum. You don’t need to go “all out” for him if this is the level of consideration he puts into your birthday.

Yes some people don’t do birthdays but you clearly do, and it’s not asking too much to expect something from your kids when you do so much for them, enabled by your husband when you do so much for him too.

Of course you should have a birthday present to open on your birthday. Is your birthday on the 6th? A very happy birthday and hope it isa lovely day.
Its actually my birthday tomorrow and am so old and fat .

Sounds like a lot of pressure on the children to pick something.

Poor OP. I understand x

I understand your disappointment but even so, I do think you’re being a bit U.

Family life with young children is busy and sometimes for various reasons, something slightly ‘extra’ that sounds simple can be surprisingly difficult to fit in alongside all the normal stuff. It’s not as if your birthday is being ignored, it’s just that he hasn’t managed to do it the way you asked.

I wouldn’t spend time being upset about it unless it’s part of a bigger pattern of ignoring you/not bothering about what you want.

I definitely think that it would have been thoughtful if Dad had included the children choosing a present for you . Mumsnet posters are always criticising parents in law for not bringing their children up properly!

I completely get it OP. It’s not about you getting a present - it’s about them experiencing gift-choosing and gift-giving and then you opening something that’s come from that place of love and excitement and a bit of silliness I expect, knowing what my kids might choose for me. And he couldn’t manage this one simple, not especially time-consuming thing for you - for some reason he has to also agree with it? Why can’t he just do this thing that you want? Why do we so often expect and allow the bare minimum from men? He might not have understood why it was important to you (and to that I would say: does he partake in any of the emotional labour around birthdays at all, or is it all you?) but it’s something he could easily have done that he knew you wanted. Why WOULDN’T he just do it? The fact that he knows you wanted it should have been ample reason! I am sorry that you’re upset and I hope you have a lovely birthday

@SickAndTiredAgain

I'd be making the same level of effort for his next birthday - which is zero.

But he’s not put in zero effort. He’s just not put in the right amount of effort in the way OP had requested. To ignore his birthday as revenge would be a petty overreaction.

Well I wouldn’t be putting in the effort anymore. Fuck that.

I agree it’s cheesy and weird. It’s all very artificial and set up. I’m presuming the 6yo and 9yo don’t have $$ for this and DH is either giving it to them or handing over the card at the register. That’s after he’s had to direct kids in a shop as they would most likely stand and shrug initially until he ‘guides them’ (which defeats the purpose). Then the inevitable fuss when they find just the thing they have to get mum and nothing else will do, and it’s 3 times over the budget for a piece of dust collecting tosh or toiletry no one would truly want. It would be a hard no from me until the kids were old enough to have their own money and organise whatever they wanted completely independently.

@SickAndTiredAgain

I'd be making the same level of effort for his next birthday - which is zero.

But he’s not put in zero effort. He’s just not put in the right amount of effort in the way OP had requested. To ignore his birthday as revenge would be a petty overreaction.

To only do things for his birthday she can fit into the 2 days before without much effort would be perfectly reasonable. That rules out ordering online from most places.