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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure what to do...

70 replies

Ncembarrassed1 · 04/10/2021 18:43

I don't know what to do. I'm a regular mner but have nc for this post.

I went out with a guy I've been seeing for a few weeks. I did drink too much but the pub was on my road and we had pre agreed he was staying with me.

Basically I woke up and had no recollection after the first few pints Confused he said I seemed fine (until I tried to put my key in the lock..) and all seemed good.

But I've found a condom wrapper behind the door. And I don't know who's it is or how it got there. Its unsettling me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ncembarrassed1 · 04/10/2021 18:45

Why is a condom wrapper in my place? He's denying it and insinuating its from someone else?

OP posts:
Northernsoul90 · 04/10/2021 18:47

You are definitely not being unreasonable for being concerned OP that is very alarming and a huge concern. How did you feel on waking the next morning? Any unusual headaches or feeling out of it? What was his reaction when you asked him

Cocomarine · 04/10/2021 18:49

I’m sorry Flowers
It sounds to me like you believe he had sex with you when you unable to consent, either because you were too drunk or because your drink was spiked?
Neither of which would be your fault.
You know whether anyone else would be leaving condom wrappers in your house.
I wouldn’t see him again, and I would seek support for how you’re feeling.
Even if it was nothing to with him and the wind blew it in… there are plenty more men out there, so why take the risk with this one?
Be kind to yourself - no need for that username Flowers

Northernsoul90 · 04/10/2021 18:49

Sorry just seen the second part of the post - this is huge alarm bells if there is definitely no other way the wrapper could have ended up there.

BornIn78 · 04/10/2021 18:52

When did this happen? It sounds like your drinks were spiked. I’m just wondering if you’re within a timeframe that it would show up in a blood or urine test.

Original poster
Ncembarrassed1 · 04/10/2021 18:54

I felt fine (apart from hungover) but I asked him straight and he called me at work which made me think it was in my head...

I don't know which brand it was, but I know it wasn't a brand I have here ifkwim

So I don't know what I do now?

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 04/10/2021 18:54

Just to add - if you do think your drink was spiked, you could go to the police and they might do a blood or urine test. I say might, because I don’t know the exact process - but if you’re considering this, then I’m sure someone here can explain it. However, it’s not clear when this happened and it’s a very short window (24 hours I think) for the result.

When you say he’s insinuating it’s someone else’s, do you just mean he’s saying it’s not mine so must be someone else. Or do you mean he’s turned this on you and suggested you’ve had sex with someone else and are not admitting that? If that latter, even more reason not to see him again. Honestly though - I don’t think you need any more reason not to see him again. x

GoWalkabout · 04/10/2021 18:54

You could speak to the police OP, and decide later if you want to make a complaint. If you have the condom and he's denied it then if it is his DNA that is good evidence. If you need to speak to someone in confidence first, look for your local rape crisis or similar helpline. I'm so sorry you have this worry and I hope that you get some clarity on what has happened. Could anyone else have had access to spike your drink?

SparryG · 04/10/2021 18:56

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Cocomarine · 04/10/2021 18:57

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Wowcherarestalkingme · 04/10/2021 18:58

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tedsletterofthelaw · 04/10/2021 18:59

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tedsletterofthelaw · 04/10/2021 19:00

I hope there's an innocent explanation for you. Maybe it fell out of his pocket? Okay I'm clutching at straws here. What is your gut telling you?

Sorry you are going through this Thanks

Bounce55 · 04/10/2021 19:01

Fucking hell!

Cocomarine · 04/10/2021 19:02

I don’t understand what you thought was maybe in your head, when he rang?

What you do now, is whatever is right for you. Do you have anyone you can talk too? If not, but you want to talk, rape crisis line is great, and you don’t need to be sure in your own mind what happened before you talk to them. They’ll help you process confusion too. Just please please don’t feel embarrassed. Flowers

Northernsoul90 · 04/10/2021 19:02

SparryG - disgusting response

WellLarDeDar · 04/10/2021 19:03

Did you feel sore when you woke up? Were you dressed? How long ago was it? I would tell you to go straight to the police station and ask to have analysis don't to see if you were spike and a check up to see if there were any other signs but I have a bad feeling it's too late for anything to be detected :s. How do you feel about this guy now? Hope you're okay OP X

Cocomarine · 04/10/2021 19:03

Thank you for acting so fast, and also deleting my quote MN 👍🏻

WellLarDeDar · 04/10/2021 19:03

*analysis done,
*Spiked not spike.

ShuddaBeenMe · 04/10/2021 19:06

How worrying. I think it sounds like it must be his.

SparryG · 04/10/2021 19:06

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coffeepleeease · 04/10/2021 19:10

Would you normally be that drunk after a few pints? If you suspect you were spiked call the police

Dancingsmile · 04/10/2021 19:10

Ask yourself some questions.

When I've got drunk before do I suffer from large blank moments of the night where there is no recollection?

When drunk do I pass out normally or do I have disturbed sleep ?

Have I slept with someone recently using a condom at home ?

When I am drunk do I still have a memory of what happened in the night ?

Why is he being defensive is he gaslighting you ?

Don't doubt yourself . You know how you are When you drink. It is rare to drink so much you don't have any recollection .

tedsletterofthelaw · 04/10/2021 19:11

@SparryG

I actually cannot believe it has been deleted if I went out for a drink with a guy i was dating and we had agreed he was staying with me I wouldn't be surprised the next day when I found a condom wrapper. You lot are mad. Wow
Except she has no recollection of the night before so was clearly in no state of mind to consent.

And you don't find him denying the wrapper is his just a little bit concerning?

Wow yourself!

BornIn78 · 04/10/2021 19:16

@Ncembarrassed1

Why is a condom wrapper in my place? He's denying it and insinuating its from someone else?
I’d be tempted to text him “I picked up the wrapper very carefully by the corner, the police are confident they’ll get a finger print off it”.