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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure what to do...

70 replies

Ncembarrassed1 · 04/10/2021 18:43

I don't know what to do. I'm a regular mner but have nc for this post.

I went out with a guy I've been seeing for a few weeks. I did drink too much but the pub was on my road and we had pre agreed he was staying with me.

Basically I woke up and had no recollection after the first few pints Confused he said I seemed fine (until I tried to put my key in the lock..) and all seemed good.

But I've found a condom wrapper behind the door. And I don't know who's it is or how it got there. Its unsettling me.

OP posts:
jelly79 · 04/10/2021 19:17

Do you remember anything from when you got home OP?

Siameasy · 04/10/2021 19:58

I’m not sure you’ll ever know the truth. I probably wouldn’t see him again though if your gut says he’s dodgy. Was he gone when you woke up?
I was spiked once but weirdly it didn’t cause a blackout-I knew exactly what was going on but couldn’t get out of the situation
If you don’t think you were spiked and this is a reaction you’ve had to booze, was it mixing drinks or something you’ve not drunk before?

StoneofDestiny · 04/10/2021 20:01

If you think you have been raped go to the police ASAP.

ThreeLittleDots · 04/10/2021 20:43

Just to add to pp, if you're not on hormonal contraception do consider emergency contraception, even the emergency coil

Original poster
Ncembarrassed1 · 05/10/2021 01:06

No, I don't remember anything after the 4th pint and I think I had 8? Which is so unusual for me. According to him I seemed fine, just struggled a bit with the keys in the door...

But I don't like the condom and the flat denial and feeling gaslighted.

OP posts:
LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 05/10/2021 01:16

Have you washed the sheets and your clothes.

Were you sore or bruised at all?

Please keep the wrapper and anything you haven't washed. Even if you decide not to report that will give you options. Also I would keep all communication with this guy to text now and keep every message.

Also consider getting yourself tested, I know there was a condom wrapper, but its best to check as you had blacked out.

Sorry you're in this position op, you must feel really confused and betrayed Flowers

How would you feel about making a police report?

Original poster
Ncembarrassed1 · 12/10/2021 01:18

I know I've delayed replying this but I've pastes his reply

If it sounded like I was changing the story, I didn't mean to. I don't have perfect memory so I was just trying to think about what could have happened, if that sounds like changing the story, then fine, but it wasn't done intentionally.

If you were concerned with having drinks, then we could have agreed not to drink together, I would have been fine with that.

I'm sorry that has happened before, I didn't know. But I would never think about doing something like that.

I'm upset that you don't think you can trust me, but I don't know what I could do to prove you can.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ncembarrassed1 · 12/10/2021 01:20

Back to front sorry.

You've changed your story three times now. Idk how I'm supposed to have a few drinks around you and not worry you'll have sex with me without me knowing. I liked you but I'm not putting myself in that position. I've been raped before and I can't do this.

OP posts:
NeverChange · 12/10/2021 01:32

This is a difficult one and must be really messing with your head.

It's been mentioned above but sheets, clothes, the condom wrapped etc, all in a sealed bag if not washed and leave them there in case you want to get them tested at some stage. You don't have to do anything now.

How did you feel the following more? Sore etc.

Maybe he did nothing but it appears like he contemplated it at a minimum with a condom wrapper found with no other explanation.

It's been a traumatic experience either way and I think you should ring the Rape Crisis hotline and talk to someone about it.

Original poster
Ncembarrassed1 · 12/10/2021 01:49

@NeverChange nothing would happen if I had collected my things. Even when I was raped I gave them everything straight away and they didn't test them for so long they went mouldy Sad I'm a cleaner and I cleaned up so I didn't miss it. I hate the unkowinging and the accusation.

OP posts:
GlowInThePark · 12/10/2021 01:53

Occam's razor - The simplest explanation is that you both drank too much and neither of you can remember that you had (or at least attempted to have) sex.

You may only be jumping to explain it as "rape" because of your past experience.

Original poster
Ncembarrassed1 · 12/10/2021 09:27

@GlowInThePark That stung.

If that was the situation, I still didn't give consent, but he had intent.

OP posts:
areyouinsane · 12/10/2021 09:34

Flowers so sorry OP. Can you call Rape Crisis?

Original poster
Ncembarrassed1 · 12/10/2021 10:15

I feel I can't as I don't know its happened Sad

OP posts:
GlowInThePark · 12/10/2021 14:59

[quote Ncembarrassed1]@GlowInThePark That stung.

If that was the situation, I still didn't give consent, but he had intent.[/quote]
What do you mean by "he had intent"?

HollaHolla · 12/10/2021 15:08

Can you also get the MAP too? You don't know if you had sex, and if you did, that he used contraception properly. I know that there are other things more serious, but the potential time period for effective use of the MAP is small.
Take care, OP. I don't think I'd want to see him again.

Original poster
Ncembarrassed1 · 12/10/2021 15:24

@GlowInThePark well he was the one who instigated sex?

@HollaHolla I'm on the injection (he doesn't know as I only got it a month ago and didn't mention it) but I wonder now whether an sti check is worth it? We haven't had the exclusivity talk yet and if he can do this to me... Sad

OP posts:
Wigglegiggle0520 · 12/10/2021 15:25

Op you can still call rape crisis. It sounds like you need to talk things through.

As PPs have said. If this has happened recently you can submit a sample for testing to see if you were spiked. If you are up to it do this sooner than later. CCTV can also be examined.

So sorry you’re going through this Flowers

GlowInThePark · 12/10/2021 15:32

he was the one who instigated sex?

How do you know that if neither of you can remember?

It's not like he's a completely stranger, you've been dating for several weeks. Have you been having sax with him? If I were you I would just assume that it was a drunken fumble that didn't actually turn into full sex because you were both too shitfaced (& that's why it hasn't stuck in the memory).

TaraR2020 · 12/10/2021 15:38

It's not like he's a completely stranger, you've been dating for several weeks. Have you been having sax with him

Sounds distinctly like an attempt at victim blaming @GlowInThePark. It makes absolutely no difference whether they've been intimate before- they could have a past of having done it off Big Ben and it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference.

I'm really sorry, op, for what you're going through. I'd like to throw my weight behind the advice you've had to contact Rape Crisis and think carefully about what you'd like to do going forward. Flowers

GlowInThePark · 12/10/2021 15:44

@TaraR2020

It's not like he's a completely stranger, you've been dating for several weeks. Have you been having sax with him

Sounds distinctly like an attempt at victim blaming @GlowInThePark. It makes absolutely no difference whether they've been intimate before- they could have a past of having done it off Big Ben and it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference.

I'm really sorry, op, for what you're going through. I'd like to throw my weight behind the advice you've had to contact Rape Crisis and think carefully about what you'd like to do going forward. Flowers

I'm not victim blaming, I'm saying no crime that took place. Just two people who are dating got so wasted that they attempted to have drunk sex together and then had hazy memories of the evening when they woke up ... This happens literally everyday and it's not a crime.

& yeah you could argue she was too drunk to give consent but that goes both ways - they were both drunk, did he consent?

Original poster
Ncembarrassed1 · 12/10/2021 15:45

I can't deal with @GlowInThePark

A woman can't physically rape a man. Legally rape involves a penis.

Also as pp said consent means at the time, and can be withdrawn at any time.

Thats why martial rape is illegal now. It makes me angry people think like this.

If I'm unconscious on my bed he shouldn't be thinking about a condom.

OP posts:
Wigglegiggle0520 · 12/10/2021 15:47

@Ncembarrassed1

I can't deal with *@GlowInThePark*

A woman can't physically rape a man. Legally rape involves a penis.

Also as pp said consent means at the time, and can be withdrawn at any time.

Thats why martial rape is illegal now. It makes me angry people think like this.

If I'm unconscious on my bed he shouldn't be thinking about a condom.

Completely agree OP.

Just ignore.

HollowTalk · 12/10/2021 15:48

So is he saying that you and he didn't have sex last night or is he saying you did and you consented to it?

Was the condom wrapper in your bedroom? Have you looked to see whether there's a condom in the bin? Wouldn't that be normal if he thought you'd consented?

GlowInThePark · 12/10/2021 15:50

@Ncembarrassed1

I can't deal with *@GlowInThePark*

A woman can't physically rape a man. Legally rape involves a penis.

Also as pp said consent means at the time, and can be withdrawn at any time.

Thats why martial rape is illegal now. It makes me angry people think like this.

If I'm unconscious on my bed he shouldn't be thinking about a condom.

Why are you assuming you didn't consent? Why are you assuming you were unconscious? Why are you assuming sex even took place?

Only because your past experience of rape is causing you to see this situation through that lens.

You don't remember anything & neither does he. The only "evidence" is a condom wrapper that can be explained in more likely ways as I've outlined.