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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to become a carer...

60 replies

farming4 · 04/10/2021 08:43

Current situation is dhs uncle lives in a granny flat next door (also owns half the whole property) he's getting on in years and is going down hill. Fiercely independent and cantankerous to boot.

I already his first response to his fall alarm but he's getting worse on his feet - I've fetched him up of the floor 3 times in the last 48 hours.

He's not eating properly and drinking far too much (nothing new there he's done it for years)

I know where this is going and I can see the family wanting me to go in and cook and clean for him and generally be his on call carer.

I've 3 kids and work 2 jobs, DJ works a 70 hour week and we are just about keeping our heads above water.

Aibu to say I'm not going to do it? His brother has full financial and medical POA for him and I've been told his health is nothing to do with me in the past - however I'm the easy option.

OP posts:
NeedAHoliday2021 · 04/10/2021 08:44

But you live in a house funded by him?

JacquelineCarlyle · 04/10/2021 08:46

Tell his brother he needs to sort proper care for him as it's too much for you.

themuttsnutts · 04/10/2021 08:50

You have your hands full and yanbu. Look into benefit entitlements, such as Attendance Allowance, which is non-means tested. Contact Social Services re equipment for him - rails, shower stool. If he has less than 23,000 is savings, he will be entitled to help with costs of a carer. If not, the Attendance Allowance will cover some of it. Age Concern would be a good place to start

TimeIhadaNameChange · 04/10/2021 08:51

I think you need to move out asap.

GrimDamnFanjo · 04/10/2021 08:52

I'd be calling a family meeting to discuss his well-being moving forwards.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 04/10/2021 08:55

Just say no you can't as too busy.
You can get meals on wheels. He could get a carer to pop in and see him etc.

And there are services that provide first responder services so you could give that up too!

WoodburnersRUs · 04/10/2021 08:56

Perhaps you can sell the house or buy him out of his half and he can go into a home.

TheUnbearable · 04/10/2021 08:59

Who owns the other half of the Property?
Is looking out for him some kind of pay off for living in this jointly owned property?

HotSauceCommittee · 04/10/2021 09:00

Your husband needs to either reduce his work hours or step up and speak to his family.

MarshmallowSwede · 04/10/2021 09:01

Tell your husband and his brother tk do it. I would say no.

This is why women get roped into being carers when we don’t want to. You have to be honest and say you’re not doing it. It sounds as if they are expecting you to just do it.

I would say no, and suggest getting a nurse to look after him.

WoodchipNightmares · 04/10/2021 09:01

he's getting worse on his feet - I've fetched him up of the floor 3 times in the last 48 hours.

Has he had a referral to Falls Clinic?

girlmom21 · 04/10/2021 09:03

You need to move out. You must have known this would eventually happen when you moved into a house with him in the granny flat?

Tell DH to contact his brother and arrange for a SS assessment.

drpet49 · 04/10/2021 09:04

How the hell are you the easily option when you work 2 jobs, have 3 kids and your husband works 70hrs a week! This is outrageous and your husband better tell his family you are not an option whatsoever!!!!

Pythonesque · 04/10/2021 09:19

Hmm. You need to be the emergency option only, not the regular option. Because you're there, you can see that his needs are going beyond what is "emergency support". Agree with other's advice - SS assessment and also referral for assessment regarding the falls, and it's your DH's brother's job to move on those. Great to know tht someone does have medical POA, that can really help in this sort of situation I suspect.

NewtoHolland · 04/10/2021 09:23

The thing is if you're benefiting from living in the property of course there's an expectation you'll help. Do you want to stay living there? What boundaries could you have around helping? Assuming there are meals made for your family so plating up one extra would maybe be ok? But daily visits from carers to help him with personal care etc. Needs an OT to adapt the flat and reduce fall risks if falling is becoming a problem.

billy1966 · 04/10/2021 09:49

OP,

On exactly what basis are you living in the house?

Is the intention of your BIL to use you as a free carer and you will be turfed out when the uncle dies?

I would be looking at moving out if that is the case.

Original poster
farming4 · 04/10/2021 14:05

The house is owned jointly between uncle and dh but is considered a business asset - uncle doesn't put his hand in his pocket for any bills, food etc - these are all covered by the business which dh is working all hours to keep afloat. So no I don't feel beholden on uncle for "letting us live in the house.

I've had the assessments done and all the gran tails etc have been installed, he got a walking frame and shower seat etc. This was all during COVID so was done at arms length. District nurse organised his fall alarm and referred him for physio. Things were being sorted and put in place when i was told to but out as it wasn't my business.

I don't mind helping anyone out but I don't want to be responsible for taking food round every night and besides he won't eat what we do - he's very plain eating and must have meat and 2 veg. We eat a lot of pasta, curries, veggie meals so I would end up have big to cook something different for him.

OP posts:
CoronaPeroni · 04/10/2021 14:12

I don't understand why you think it should be you? Honestly it's not a woman's job to be cook, cleaner and carer to anyone just because she's the 'obvious' option. If dh lived alone, what would be the options? Start from there. Or, share the duties between you, dh, uncle's brother and carers if you think that would help.

Singinginshower · 04/10/2021 14:14

Get his GP involved. It could be the drinking that is contributing to his increased falls. Not necessarily through being drunk, but may be affecting him physically.

BeyondMyWits · 04/10/2021 14:22

My MIL has dementia and falls quite a bit. DH and his brother have POA. They have arranged carers, they have arranged fall alarms, they take her shopping.

I am not expected to do any of the care, she is not my mother. I had a discussion with dh when she started to go downhill, advised them on poa, care plan stuff (as I had been through similar with my mum), said I was not going to be doing any of the care stuff...

I will happily do the sitting drinking wine and eating cake stuff (sorry... "helping to meet her social needs").

Define your boundaries and actively manage their expectations. Works for us.

Comedycook · 04/10/2021 14:24

Christ no...he's not even your own family. Why you? Because you're the nearest woman?

Stripyhoglets · 04/10/2021 14:26

He needs a care act assessment from adult social care

He might be able to get help with someone coming in and prepping meals etc. Leaving him with something easy to eat.

Just say you can't do it yourself.

FluffyWhiteBird · 04/10/2021 14:37

@NeedAHoliday2021

But you live in a house funded by him?
She said he owns half of it. Also, who owns it is irrelevant to the OP question.

OP YANBU. If you don't want to be carer then don't. I'd stop now personally. 3 falls in 48hrs is too many. If he'd had to call an ambulance they'd be thinking of discharging him from hospital to a care home. Except he doesn't necessarily need a care home if he's falling down drunk, he needs to commit to being sober and get help from alcohol services. Which won't happen, so I'd walk away from the situation now before you get dragged down by his cantankerous (abusive?) nature. Make someone else the alarm call, there must be official services for that probably costs more and he doesn't want to pay, not everyone has friends or relatives who'll pop round, on call 24/7 to help them back onto their feet.

waybill · 04/10/2021 14:38

@Singinginshower

Get his GP involved. It could be the drinking that is contributing to his increased falls. Not necessarily through being drunk, but may be affecting him physically.
I agree with this, however it may not be drink. A friend of DH's was drinking a lot and started having trouble with falls etc. Everyone thought it was the drink, but it turned out he was having TIA's and it only came to light when another friend went round to see him and who was so worried he called an ambulance.
FluffyWhiteBird · 04/10/2021 14:47

@TimeIhadaNameChange

I think you need to move out asap.
Yes and get a job that doesn't involve being tied into uncles business, which BIL has financial POA for. I can see this all getting very messy when uncle died. BIL saying butt out shows his less-than-nice side. I'd suspect he's not got POA for truly altruistic reasons and possibly more of the mindset that he doesn't want to miss out on inheritance. Your DH is working himself into the ground for a business that he only partially benefits from. 67-70 he's a week isn't sustainable in the long run. I'd start winding it down now, close or sell the company, and get a job that's not tied to home and family, before the shit hits the fan.