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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to become a carer...

60 replies

farming4 · 04/10/2021 08:43

Current situation is dhs uncle lives in a granny flat next door (also owns half the whole property) he's getting on in years and is going down hill. Fiercely independent and cantankerous to boot.

I already his first response to his fall alarm but he's getting worse on his feet - I've fetched him up of the floor 3 times in the last 48 hours.

He's not eating properly and drinking far too much (nothing new there he's done it for years)

I know where this is going and I can see the family wanting me to go in and cook and clean for him and generally be his on call carer.

I've 3 kids and work 2 jobs, DJ works a 70 hour week and we are just about keeping our heads above water.

Aibu to say I'm not going to do it? His brother has full financial and medical POA for him and I've been told his health is nothing to do with me in the past - however I'm the easy option.

OP posts:
Original poster
farming4 · 05/10/2021 07:24

Moving or closing the business is not an option. I've had a long chat with dh and he's on my side and agrees I'm not to take on any more responsibility for him. His drinking is under control to a point - he's always been a heavy drinker and tbh I'm astonished he's lived as long as he has. He's not hurting himself when he falls it's more that he hasn't the strength to get up again with help.

BIL lives over an hour away but it was uncle who decided he would have POA. He's never given us any indication that he's got an agenda but of course until the shit hits the fan no one can be quite sure.

I'm just pissed off with the fact that it's expected that I take it all on because I'm a woman and I live next door. Dh helps me pick him up as he's impossible to lift by myself but the nature of his work means he's not always in the area.

Dh is going to have a discussion with BIL today apparently

OP posts:
DownTownAbbey · 05/10/2021 07:31

How can BIL tell you to butt out then demand you become a carer?!?

Naunet · 05/10/2021 07:44

This is utter misogyny, you’re expected to do it because your a woman. Can you imagine a situation where you would expect your BIL to provide full time care to one of your parents, with no pay?! Of course not, and I’d point that out to him if he dares to push it.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 05/10/2021 07:49

I know where this is going and I can see the family wanting me to go in and cook and clean for him and generally be his on call carer.

So no one has actually asked you to do anything else than what you are doing, have they?
So all you need to do is say "he needs a carer, you need to organise that" and then if there's any musings or mutterings about you doing it just say "I cannot help with this situation". That's it

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 05/10/2021 07:50

@DownTownAbbey

How can BIL tell you to butt out then demand you become a carer?!?
Well, he hasn't actually told her to do anything has he?
R0tational · 05/10/2021 07:54

Can I be the one to titter at "DJ" in OPs first post?

Flowers OP - sounds tough. Hope you find a solution.

billy1966 · 05/10/2021 07:55

Unfortunately OP this is one of those situations where your BIL is more than happy for you to be used as an absolute skivvy while he tells you butt out.

This is one of those situations that unless YOU are very tough you will become his default carer.

The next time he falls, call an ambulance, insist he is admitted to hospital and when they try and move him home to be looked after by YOU, you refuse outright.

Your husband works to pay for everything for this man but he gave POA to his brother.

He is happy to be fed and have everything paid by ye, but refuses to have you know his finances?

You two need to get real and harden up very soon.

As for his food?
Special meals?

Not a chance.

Tell the BIL who said butt out to arrange his meals.

You are not your BIL's skivvy to tell YOU what to do.

Flowers
LannieDuck · 05/10/2021 08:02

I'm just pissed off with the fact that it's expected that I take it all on because I'm a woman and I live next door.

Who's expecting you to take it all on? BIL told you to butt out.

Are you making an assumption it'll land on you?

powershowerforanhour · 05/10/2021 08:11

Are you farmers?

skodadoda · 05/10/2021 08:15

Dh helps me pick him up as he's impossible to lift by myself but the nature of his work means he's not always in the area

Call an ambulance when he falls.

Purplewithred · 05/10/2021 08:22

Just about to say what @skodadoda said - call an ambulance if he falls and you can't get him up by yourself.

I know where this is going and I can see the family wanting me to go in and cook and clean for him and generally be his on call carer

So make sure it doesn't. Or ask for carer's pay from the family for doing it. Private carers cost c. £25/hour round here.

BoxOfDreams · 05/10/2021 08:29

First thing I'd do is stop being first response to his alarm. Having a vagina shouldn't make anyone default carer. He has family, they should be dealing with it, not delegating to the nearest female because we're conditioned to "be kind". Start making yourself less available.

godmum56 · 05/10/2021 08:31

@skodadoda

Dh helps me pick him up as he's impossible to lift by myself but the nature of his work means he's not always in the area

Call an ambulance when he falls.

this. You shouldn't be regularly getting him up off the floor without proper training anyway and under no circs if you are alone. I will give you the same advice I have given many relis which is to sit down and make a list of what your FiL needs and what, if anything, you can supply. I'd also be sitting down with DH and looking at all your financial circs and options including who owns what in terms of the business and the house (tenants in common or joint tenants?) although of course you may already know more than you are posting here and quite right too. POA is complicated...has he just dumped it all in BiL's lap or is it only triggered by capacity loss? Beacuse if your Fil has capacity (which it sounds to be the case) then the chat needs to be had with him as well as your BiL
JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 05/10/2021 08:32

@LannieDuck

I'm just pissed off with the fact that it's expected that I take it all on because I'm a woman and I live next door.

Who's expecting you to take it all on? BIL told you to butt out.

Are you making an assumption it'll land on you?

Yes, as far as I can tell she hasn't been asked anything of the sort and has built up a fictional scenario in her head.
ApolloandDaphne · 05/10/2021 08:41

@powershowerforanhour

Are you farmers?
This is exactly what I was thinking. OPs DH is running the family farm to bring in an income to keep their family and the uncle. Is this correct @farming4 I think your user name tell us that it is.

You need to be clear you are not taking on any more duties in relation to the uncle. I imagine you have quite enough on your plate as it is.

ErrmWTAF · 05/10/2021 08:42

The BIL thing makes reminds me of the bit in Lundy where an abusive husband tried to get full custody of the children, then make his ex-wife do all the child care, i.e. all the glamour and authority, none of the wiping shitty bottoms.

Stand strong, OP! Tell BIL you're butting out.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 05/10/2021 08:47

If he only wants meat and 2 veg meals, how about e.g. Wiltshire Farm Foods or Parsley Box? Can he use the oven/microwave? Parsley box apparently don’t need to be stored in the freezer.

My DM used to have WFF, they do a huge variety of meals, inc. larger/smaller portions.

DottyHarmer · 05/10/2021 08:49

Surely the joint ownership of the property does complicate matters. It is not the OP’s responsibility to provide care, but when it comes to financing it she and her dh are involved (apart from the care allowance).

There definitely needs to be a cards on the table honest family meeting. People might quite reasonably say, “Well, OP, you get to live in a £1m house so it’s only right that you/your dh sort out uncle.” Having the benefit of the property but getting to swerve the responsibility possibly wouldn’t seem a fair deal to other family members. They might say that fair enough Uncle has to go into a home, but that means selling up.

GenderApostatemk2 · 05/10/2021 09:03

Are they joint owners or tenants in common ?

Your DH not having POA etc. is rining massive alarm bells - does this other Uncle get involved with the business?

HollowTalk · 05/10/2021 09:07

Is that legal, having all your food etc covered by the business?

FangsForTheMemory · 05/10/2021 09:11

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend your posts are really unhelpful. Many people end up as carers because everyone else manipulates them into it. Since the OP has been round to help this man up three times in two days, she already IS his carer, in fact.

Also ‘meals on wheels’ as such doesn’t exist any more.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 05/10/2021 09:13

She hasn't been manipulated. She hasn't even been asked. Get a grip

HairyScaryMonster · 05/10/2021 09:14

Could he manage to heat up a Wiltshire food type thing? Does he have the funds for a daily carer to check in on him?

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 05/10/2021 09:15

And it looks like a thing to me..

To not want to become a carer...
billy1966 · 05/10/2021 09:17

It's messy when it is farming income.

OP, is it possible that your uncle could pass his share of the farm to BIL while you are carer?

If you don't know about the will, there is a possibility that your home could be sold from under you.

If ye are doing so much for him, why hasn't he signed the farm/business over to you?

Kindly, don't be naive.
When it comes to land, do not expect honesty or fair play.

If he refuses to sign the property over to you, you are in effect being used as a fool by him.

He could well have his half already willed to BIL, who sounds like a piece of work with his butt out.