To not want to become a carer...

[farming4]

Current situation is dhs uncle lives in a granny flat next door (also owns half the whole property) he's getting on in years and is going down hill. Fiercely independent and cantankerous to boot.

I already his first response to his fall alarm but he's getting worse on his feet - I've fetched him up of the floor 3 times in the last 48 hours.

He's not eating properly and drinking far too much (nothing new there he's done it for years)

I know where this is going and I can see the family wanting me to go in and cook and clean for him and generally be his on call carer.

I've 3 kids and work 2 jobs, DJ works a 70 hour week and we are just about keeping our heads above water.

Aibu to say I'm not going to do it? His brother has full financial and medical POA for him and I've been told his health is nothing to do with me in the past - however I'm the easy option.

What happens when he passes does bil inherit? That would make me question why I'm doing all this work and barely keeping my head above water

I'd be very worried where his share of your home is going to end up ...

This situation is very messy but you do need to put in place incredibly strong boundaries and stick to them. I have a friend whose siblings push, manipulate and cajole her into looking after their increasingly fragile and ailing DM so your worries are very real. It is really affecting my friend’s mental health so it is definitely worth battling now before the expectations and burdens grow. This is your DHs problem so I would start by pushing it back on him. Give his number for the alarm for example.

You have very clearly (and rudely) been told that this man's situation is none of your business. So embrace that and disengage totally. Remove yourself from the care line contact list and stop do anything.

When BIL complains point out to him that he has accepted the role of POA and all that legally entails.

You might also need to prepare to be tough with social services etc too.

We had a very similar situation with my MIL. Despite being totally unable to to cope, SS insisted she stayed in her own home because ‘that’s what she wanted’ We pointed out that her house was ill equipped to deal with her complex needs - for example, she was wetting her bed 4 times a night and was unable to wash properly as her bathroom needed to be adapted. A full time live in carer was also struggling to cope with her. We felt strongly the time had come for MIL to receive residential care as there was a crisis almost every day and we were getting frantic calls from her carer at all times of the day and night.

SS tried to dictate to us what we should be doing despite having muscled their way in and taking over, so we had to take the tough decision to stand well back and refuse to cooperate. They were adamant she had mental capacity although it was clear she certainly didn’t. It came to a head when they wanted her to pay for care and she had no clue where or how to or even what day it was. SS rang us to settle the bill and I just pointed out they would need to ask her, after all they had made decision that she had all her faculties. Poor MIL didn’t even know what day it was, let alone access a bank account.

I found SS tended to cherry pick. When it suited them, they became involved, when it didn’t, they expected us to pick up the pieces.

How did you know he had fallen? Is your name on the response list for the alarm company? If so, take it off.

Next time he falls call an ambulance.

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend I didn't say she had been manipulated. I don't understand why you're being so aggressive? You've posted several times on this thread and your tone is unpleasant.

@FangsForTheMemory because so far there is a non issue.

The best thing you’ve got going for you here is the fact that your DH is on your side.