Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To think surely you wouldn’t leave your sick child?

80 replies

Sadlifeee · 04/10/2021 02:34

So I’ve posted about this yesterday but I need some clarification because I seem to doubt myself a lot these days. I can’t ask my friends because I am embarrassed.

My baby was ill and in hospital due to his first febrile seizure, he had a high temperature and was not very well. His dad and I don’t live together but are in the process of sorting things out. Or we were. Anyway he sat with us at the hospital for a while but it was a one parent only in so I took our son, I told him he may as well go home because it will be hours. I didn’t get home until the early hours with 0 sleep. Whilst I was at the hospital he told me he may go out Sunday evening. I just said so you’re going to leave me here at the hospital 0 sleep and go out. He just got annoyed.

Our son is okay still under the weather. He checked in with us all morning and then told me he’s going out. He went out, he didn’t come to see our baby, he didnt offer to come over instead of going out. My family asked where he was and I had to lie because I was embarrassed that he wasn’t here. I wouldn’t of been able to leave the baby. I know they are common but he still is poorly and I was running on 0 sleep. AIBU to say any normal person wouldn’t leave their child

OP posts:

TintinIsBack · 04/10/2021 08:16

@B1rthis

Hospital policies need to change. It's a disgrace that people are welcome to go to football matches sit in restaurants etc as a family but babies and children are separated from their fathers when they're very unwell and require hospital treatment.

Same thing happens with people in hospital dying.

A family member has been in hospital fir more than 2 months now. They are dying. No visit allowed, not even their life long partner. (And no it’s not covid but cancer)

NOTANUM · 04/10/2021 08:18

I see you don't yet live together. I wouldn't be changing that if I were you. He has put you on notice about what your future will look like.

Interesting that you're already lying to friends/family on his behalf yet as you're embarrassed. This is because you don't want to admit that it's not as rosy as it looks but why cover for such a horrible person? Will you be covering for him when your child is 15 and has an important sports game or whatever?

I hope your DC is on the mend soon.

Anxietyandwine · 04/10/2021 08:18

Oh Op he’s been really shut don’t doubt yourself.

This reminds me of when I was pregnant with much wanted pfb. I was bleeding and he came with me to the hospital - they told me it was a threatened miscarriage and if I was going to lose baby there was nothing to be done.

I got home and drew the curtains and lay in bed crying. He came upstairs and started getting ready, I asked where he was going and he said he was off to play football at his weekly game. Pfb is 10 now and he has very little contact.

Save yourself years of heartache and see this big red flag for what it is.

starfish4 · 04/10/2021 08:27

I think only you know if you need to have concerns over your relationship.

When DD was little she was in hospital for four days - only one of us could be there and DH was happy to let me chose which one - being selfish I chose to be there three nights (very little sleep in upright chair with half hour checks going on). He knew that's what I really wanted, so stepped back.

Maybe, I'm easy going but he'd actually got a night planned out the night DD came out, fair enough he lived with us so had seen DD and it really didn't bother me he was going out. Having said that, I do know that if either of us had asked him to stay, that's what he'd have done.

He's been a great DH and DD over the years, and I still trust that he'd be there for either of us if we needed him.

Gingernaut · 04/10/2021 08:28

You're a single mother

Do not think life with this twat will improve.

Split up amd go through CMS.

You and your child deserve better that this knobhead.

Original poster

Sadlifeee · 04/10/2021 08:31

I told him I was disappointed he didn’t help. He said I should of asked nicely, then told him yesterday. And it’s done now so I should get over it. So he does not care at all. Pretty much cemented it for me

OP posts:

NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 04/10/2021 08:31

He sounds like he cares very little for your and your baby.

My son was ill recently in hospital (we were both allowed to see him as he was admitted so had his own room). We both stayed in with him every day and took turns looking after the baby, I preferred to stay overnight but dh came over at the crack of dawn and helped look after him all day.

He would also run out and get food and give me a break when I really needed it. I remember he said he wasn't going back to work until his son was ok (we both took leave).
I wouldn't expect anything less from a father who's child is unwell.

Siriisatwat · 04/10/2021 08:47

You should have asked him nicely?

Oh, he can fuck off. What a twatty thing to say.

I’m glad it’s cemented it for you, never get back together with him. You’ve only got one life, don’t waste it on a dickhead.

MarshmallowSwede · 04/10/2021 08:52

You should have been honest and told his family that he went out so that they would know that drinking and partying is more important to him than being there for his sick baby.

Magenta83 · 04/10/2021 08:53

When my son was in hospital last year for three days for an asthma attack I stayed with him the most because I couldn't stand to be away and only one parent could stay with him. I did shifts with my DH. He stayed for 3-4 hours during the day when he finished work early (saving his leave for when we needed it) bringing over snacks and clothes etc. When I couldn't manage anymore nights my DH was ready to take over then our son got discharged. You should be working as a team, discussing who does what and what support you need while there. This guy is not worth it and you deserve better.

Original poster

Sadlifeee · 04/10/2021 08:58

That’s what really hurts. I thought we were a team. Anytime he would need me I would be there or try my hardest to help him. When it comes to our son i wouldn’t even expect to ask

OP posts:

ZenNudist · 04/10/2021 09:03

You know what to do. Dump. He is an awful person.

However you can still try and coparent with him. Sit him down. Explain calmly that the lack of care over this incident has been a wake up call. You aren't getting back with him BUT you still want to give him the opportunity to be a parent not a deadbeat absent dad. Say he's not done right by you but can still do right by baby. Then work out your arrangements for contact for now explaining that as baby grows he will be able to have him more often.

Also spell it out that if child is ill it is both parents responsibility to look after them and they can't go to nursery/ school.

Is that realistic? Can you get his family on side. If you were considering getting back with him he must have some good in him? It might be that he can coparent not be your partner.

Bounce55 · 04/10/2021 09:07

If asked where he is you tell them where he is
Complete lack of support for you
I'd SERIOUSLY be thinking long and hard about your future together as a couple....

CuteGirlsWatchMeEatEther · 04/10/2021 09:10

Have you got any other family that could help you out? Ask your parents to watch your son while you get a bit of sleep?

I’m sorry op, your ex is a selfish shit and has proved to you he doesn’t give a shit about you or his unwell child. I hope your son recovers soon

Rosebel · 04/10/2021 09:11

He sounds horrible. I get that there wasn't much point him being at the hospital as he wasn't allowed in the room but he should have stayed at yours Sunday so you could sleep.
My son has been in hospital a few times and my husband wouldn't dream of going out when I've been awake all night.
Don't take him back. He's a shit partner and a shit dad.

CuteGirlsWatchMeEatEther · 04/10/2021 09:16

@Sadlifeee

No, you SHOULD’NT have to ask nicely for a father to give a damn about his own child. He should naturally want to help his child.

PlanetTeaTime · 04/10/2021 09:19

Omg that's awful, I'm so sorry

Generallystruggling · 04/10/2021 09:29

I’m sure it’s a relief not to be in a relationship with him anymore, he sounds like a selfish prick. YANBU of course, no caring parent could go out drinking with their child sick in hospital.

billy1966 · 04/10/2021 09:35

Why are you lying to your family?

I genuinely don't understand the lying.

Tell the truth.

By lying you are protecting his behaviour.

Don't offer ANY explanation for his behaviour.

"He didn't want to be with the baby, he wanted to go out."

Spell it out.

Telling the truth is very freeing.

Lying protects him and isolates YOU.

Hope your baby feels better soon.

WTF475878237NC · 04/10/2021 09:37

I'm so sorry OP. He's horrible.

Original poster

Sadlifeee · 04/10/2021 09:39

I think I lied because I was embarrassed to take him back. None of my family like him. So yeah to protect him but also to save the hassle

OP posts:

Lockdownbear · 04/10/2021 10:05

Your family are seeing lots of wee things that you possibly aren't. There is a reason why they don't like him.

They might not want to say much for the fear that you'll turn against them but listen to them. They have tour best interests at heart.

Siriisatwat · 04/10/2021 10:07

@Sadlifeee

I think I lied because I was embarrassed to take him back. None of my family like him. So yeah to protect him but also to save the hassle

Listen to your family on this.

billy1966 · 04/10/2021 11:50

Tell the truth and be honest with yourself and if your family are supportive, let them support you.

My second child had febrile convulsions once and his lips turned blue, we thought he had gone into a coma in my husbands arms, as I drove them both to the hospital.

Turns out he had something viral and it never happened again.

We nearly lost our lives with the shock though.

His medical team at the time said it is not uncommon and to give him a spoon of medication to reduce any temperature rise immediately, and not allow his temperature to rise.

We did, but it never happened again.

Hydrate · 04/10/2021 23:39

@Sadlifeee

I think I lied because I was embarrassed to take him back. None of my family like him. So yeah to protect him but also to save the hassle

If he cared about his baby or you, he would have come over on Sunday so you could sleep.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread